This Saturday (the 22nd), I was sitting in bed listening to the radio while Adam slept beside me...and I heard the first notes of Journey's "Faithfully". (Journey is my all time favorite band for those of you who pay no attention to a word I say lol).....

Anyways...as it's starting, I hear the DJ Mention that Journey had gotten their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I started crying I was so happy, and I guess it wasn't quiet crying because Adam woke up and was like "What's wrong?" and when I told him, he smiled and started crying too. And we hugged and listened to the song (it's "our song") while singing it softly to eachother, and being happy as little clams.

I kept hoping Steve Perry (the former lead singer, who helped make the band the #1 band of the 80's, and who I might note, has the most beautiful voice in the world, and who is the only person besides Adam who can always put a smile on my face) was there...and today I finally decided I had to know, so I looked it up online...

And he was...he was there...and he got one of the replica plaques, and he signed autographs, and spoke to the crowd....and he got the recognition he deserves....

It pisses me off so bad that some people don't even know who he is. I mean, Journey fans who know the current band...some of them have no clue who Steve Perry is. It's like O.O >.<

Steve Augeri replaced him...and while he's not a bad singer...he is in no way shape or form *MY* Steve. Steve Perry has the most amazing voice ever, and it's such a horrible shame that he had to quit Journey. (He was a part of the group for 20 years...and he *had* to quit because of severe health issues, not to mention a lot of emotional things that went on around the time he got very sick).

*sigh* I just...hate the fact that people don't know who the greats are. The best "incarnation" of Journey ever was, and in my opinion, still is: Steve Perry on Lead Vocals, Neal Schon on Guitar, Ross Valory on Bass, Jonathan Cain on Piano, & Steve Smith on drums. (Which is why it was THIS incarnation that came back together to make Trial By Fire in 1996 =P

I'd like to note that that line up was there for the ceremony. All five of them. When I saw the picture, I couldn't help but cry.

I'm sure there are those of you going "WTF they're just a band, why do you get so worked up over it?" But....most people can't quite grasp what this band means to me. Their music reaches every inch of my body. Adam & I's joint present for our 1 year Anniversary was the "Journey's Greatest Hits Live" DVD, which was full of music video's and concert video's from 1977 to 1997 (the time period while Steve was at the helm). The first couple weeks we had it, I watched it non-stop, and I don't like watching movies. But I'd get up and dance and just have a blast watching the guys perform. And that is where I get my stubborn opinion of what the best Incarnation is. But anyways......if it tells you anything, Adam's first present to me was a burnt copy of his "The Essential Journey" CD's :)

I don't know if they're his absolute favorite band, but I know he loves them almost as much as I do....

They're a band that wasn't just for money or fame. They were about the music and the fans. And, I think deep down, they still are. I mean, most of the guys are in their 50's...and they're still doing concerts, making CD's, etc. They're really amazing. They all have the money to live comfortably forever....but...they still keep going..

Anyways....that just...was a huge moment for me...but then again, Journey is a huge part of my life. Laugh at me if you wish, I'll roll my eyes at you.

*smiles* I'm going to go sing along with Steve now. Ciao.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 9:44 AM+

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+Wednesday, January 19, 2005+

godamnit

She fucking knows. She knows how bad Jamie bothers me. Why does he bother me now that he's alive?

Because he was dead. And he came back. ANd I don't know what's lies and truth. And my mom just has to rub that in over and over and over again.....I don't need that rubbed in my fucking face. It tears me apart bad enough.

Me and all of my friends. I mean Jesus H., there were like 20 of us having to deal with that bullshit---JUST THE ONES I KNEW. What about the ones I didn't know who just read his diary? *Sigh* Mom tries to rub it in that it was one big falsehood. Wether it was or wasn't isn't the issue.

I can't fucking believe she'd bring that back up. She knows how bad it tears the shit out of me ....

posted by Manda @ 9:14 AM+

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*sigh*

Yeah well...after the last little bit...

Realized I can't leave because if I do, my medicaid goes poof, and Mom realizes that too. And we talked and are "working things out" as a family, which is a big "yeah right". We've tried this before, it never works, but hey, I gotta try *sigh* Which is fucking stupid on my part because I'm just going to end up more hurt.

Oh well, might as well try..

Went to the Endocrinologist on Monday. He's totally awesome. I won't get into how cool he is, but let's just say she checked me from head to toe, spent an hour TALKING AND LISTENING TO ME, and is extremely thorough. He even asked about things that weren't even related to my Endocrin problems.

Anyways...yeah...trying to get life straightened out in my head. Yeah right.

*sigh* I want it to get better...I'm just scared it's going to end up like every other time we try to fix things. *sigh* Oh well. What can you do but try?

Cioa guys..
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 5:38 AM+

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+Saturday, January 15, 2005+

I won't do it. You can't make me.

So yeah, wanna slit my wrists at the moment, but I'm being a good little girl and not doing so. She's not fucking worth it.

Who's she? My mom.

Long story. I was suppose to be getting to see Manda today. Ha. Yeah right. Instead I finally was able to tell my mom in a lound resounding "FUCK YOU" in front of her mother in law, just how I feel about her bullshit. I don't think I said enough though. I'm waiting for her to slip and say something about me. The second she does, Ding Ding, Round 2! (^-^)

Yeah, I admit it, I'm looking forward to it. She's a fucking bitch. She won't help me with my deppression, no matter how much I beg. She'll blow off Doctors Appointments, Dentist Appointments, helping me with my college shit, etc. constantly.

She never listens to a word I say. Last week I mentioned how I appreciate it when she'll ocassionally buy me clothes, but that she always gets me shit I hate. So I gave her a few guidelines.

The top three things:
I don't like any pants that aren't long and baggy and dark in color
I hate pink
I won't wear ANYTHING on my shirts (labels, cartoon chars, etc.) except Pooh characters.
And my sizes.

Yesterday she brings home WHITE KAPRIS (They only go to mid shin and they're skin tight), TWO Pink shirts, one with Eeyore (which made it redeemable) and one with MINNIE MOUSE.

She never listens to me. She never fucking hears me.

I'm so fucking done.

She's trying to kick me out and all this shit----Adam & I had already decided earlier today that we were leaving =P

And if she really wants to push the "Pack your bags and leave" thing, I'm going to tell her Mommy In Law about her little habbit, and tell my Daddy how she buys pot with the Child Support he sends her =P

*smirk* Push me you stupid cunt. Push me. You've pushed me for years. Push me farther. I fucking dare you, bitch. You'll lose Mikey. You'll lose the money. And you'll have drugs on your legal record.

Fuck with me. Keep treating me like shit. Keep walking on me. See if you EVER see your grandkids. See how much more Mikey's going to like you if you alienate his big sister from him. (Not that I'd ever let the bitch keep me away from my little brother). But just watch. She wants to fucking rumble. Let's go bitch.

*grins* Fuck her. Fuck her. I'm done. I've let my parents destroy me for too long. As much as it hurts, I can't keep letting it destroy me. I can not let the rest of my life be ruined just because the first 17 years have been pain and suffering.

I will be happy. They may have done what they've done in the past. But they can't take away my future.

Wait till her inlaws get a load of the pierced nipples. Oh, and the fact that once I lose a few pounds, I'm going to do nude modeling. Twenty bucks says they disown me within the next 5 years.

Heehee.....fuck you Mommy. You can hurt me all you like. I can hurt you more. And your son is going to see one day just what you are. He's defended you in the past, but he's getting smarter.

And Dad? I don't give a fuck if you don't want me and don't care I'm alive. I love your wife, I love your kids, and I love you. It doesn't matter if you love me or not.

Yaye. I'm gonna go figure out something to make me cheer up, and then I'm going to fuck Adam senseless after he gets home from work tonight. And I'll be nice and loud. Just to fuck with the inlaws *beams* Actually hrm....that won't work, I believe they're leaving before Adam gets home. Oh well, I can still masturbate and scream....buahahahaha

Yeah, I admit it. I like fucking with them. Why? Because of the way Dan's mom treats me. She's a fucking snob. EVERYONE except Mom & Dan will say that. The entire family. The woman looks at us with disdain, and guess what she gave me for Christmas? FUCKING BODY WASH. I found out two weeks before I got it from Mom that she was going to give that to me because apparently she told mom "Adam and Amanda need it really badly."

#1 -- Adam's name wasn't anywhere on the package.
#2 -- The woman has NEVER once seen me dirty. Any time she sees me, I've either gotten a shower the day before, or the same day. I'm still trying to figure that out. I think maybe she saw Adam without a shower once or something. She's a fucking moron. All she talks about is God. I respect people's faith, but when your Bible persecutes everything I am, and I am obviously NOT CHRISTIAN: Give it a fucking break. And don't look at me like I'm a pile of shit because I'm not all Holier-Than-Thou like your judgemental ass.

Yeah, fuck you bitch. You and your perfect God.

And Mom---fuck you for changeing whenever she's around and pretending you're so much like them. You're a liberal. You're PAGAN. You swear as badly as MY FUCKING ASS. You fuck outside of marriage (I believe you're up to 28 men you've fucked real good). Your daughter is BISEXUAL. You've been married FIVE TIMES. You've had a KID OUT OF WEDLOCK. You are NOT what this woman is. And for you to pretend to be this nicey nicey bitch. And to slam me for MY mouth when we're around them...FUCK YOU. I tell you FUCK YOU any time they're not around, so why shouldn't I say it when they are? Guess what. I just did bitch. I told you FUCK YOU in front of your precious mother in law. Yeah, she can see me for what I am.

Just wait till I come home with money from selling nude pics online, with a girlfriend (and a boyfriend, 'cause guesswhat, I believe in Polyamory! Ha. Monogomy was created by the CHURCH), and I'm wearing a Pro-Choice shirt. Just you wait until I'm free. Wait till your precious Oh-So-Good in laws see what I am. Because guess what? I was raised SOLEY BY YOU. My father had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. YOU made this. Wait till they see what YOU raised. I love me. I like my views, my opinions. I think I'm an open minded, well educated, well rounded individual.....they'll think I'm posessed. Just wait till they see it Mom. I am not this little Godly Angel. Niether are you. And you pretend to be. You kiss their asses, and if I didn't know better, I'd say you admire them secretly because they're everything you're not. You pretend to be like them, because you want to be "Upper Class" because you never have been. You deny, to this day, that you're lower class (even though you are!!). You are fucking dillusional. And you hate who you are. You always have. You have more self esteem issues than I DO. *smirk* You're a falsehood around them. Inside, you're just like me.

Wait till they see the product of your "Wonderful Child Rearing Skills".

Yeaaaaaah. Voosh, Mom. Voosh.

*smirk* Fuck her. I don't need her.
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 6:50 PM+

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+Wednesday, January 05, 2005+

Time is running out....

Who wants to know what Manda did today? I see no hands, but I'll tell anyways...

I slept, slept, slept some more.....got up, did...nothing....laid back down for a few, got back up....got online...and got an automessage on MSN from Aijo stating that he missed me, wanted to talk to me, etc. I was surprised seeing as how I thought he was avoiding me, but hey.

I message him back saying I've missed him too, next thing I know he wakes up, comes online, and he tells me he wants to play on WoW with me. So we make new chars together. Undead Mage (him) and Undead Priest (moi). We play for awhile, a friend of his comes over, he has to go....otay...so I hop off, go browse DA for hours and do a bit of Gaia...

Then Adam decides he wants to get my Dwarf Priest lvl'd up to play with his Dwarf Hunter....we play his Dwarf Warrior with my Dwarf Priest for awhile, then he falls asleep in his seat waiting for this one NPC to respawn, and Aijo says he wants to play our Undeadites now that his friend left, and so, once Adam goes to bed, Aijo and I start playing our undeadies.

And that's what we've been doing. Sort of. Hehehe. He had to eat dinner and Rach came over, and well, basically, I had lots of time to work on my latest drawing, which turned out rather good. So yayeness. Anyways, we're kind of playing, kind of not, so I should end this.

Ciao (^-^)

posted by Manda @ 2:37 AM+

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+Saturday, January 01, 2005+

*sigh*

Why do I feel like the death march is playing as I'm going to write this? And why in God's name does the death march sound like Here Comes The Bride? *sigh* God only knows what's going on in my fucked up head.

I spent like, 2 hours crying on Adam last night because I just broke down. *sigh* Why? Because of things I've lied about and kept inside all this time, and with the stress of the realization that this was MY year. The year I was suppose to graduate, nd the year I turn 18. But I'll never graduate. Because I left and got my GED.

I will never....ever....graduate high school...

And that's just a big fat kick in the ass. I've looked forward to 2005 my whole life. Now it's here, and I spent New Years Eve hating myself. Why?

Multiple reasons...the things I've lied about.....

I've been lieing for years when I say I don't care when my mother talks shit to me. That I don't care what other people think of me. It's not that I care what they think of me....it's my family. My parents.

My dad didn't bother for 11 years, when I called *HIM* right before I turned 11, he began to bother. And he's treated me like shit. He's talked shit about me to my mother, his mother, everyone. He makes me feel like fucking garbage.

All I wanted, was to be Daddy's little girl. All I ever wanted, was for him to love me. And apparently that was too god damned much.

And here I am, going on 18 years old, and all I want is for my daddy to tuck me in and kiss me good night like he does with my little brother and sister..... Now it would probably just be wierd....I mean when I was a kid. *sigh* I just want a father. I didn't think that that was too much to ask, but I guess it is. He sure as shit can't treat me like he does Nick & Bren. But, then again, this *IS* my father we're talking about.

*sigh* When I was in Daisy Girl Scouts as a kid..there was this little thing...Father-Daughter Do-Dad Weekend...*sigh* It was where the Daisy's and their Daddy's all went on a camping trip....mom tried to get a friend of the family (someone I cared about as a friend, not a dad or even an uncle)...to take me..and he said he would, but I was like "hell no"...he wasn't my dad.

And a million other things like that. Spoiled little rich bitches who get pissed off at their daddies because they cut off their cash flow, or make them babysit. They're so godamned ungrateful.

Kids who lose their parents to death...I feel so sorry for. (Adam's dad died when Adam was only 15...)....and in a way, they understand better than anyone how I feel. But the wierd thing is, Adam has one thing in the way of understanding. He says he'd rather his father be alive and hate him, for the simple fact that his mom would be happy then. (His mother, in 12, almost 13 years, has never even so much as looked at another man...she will never date or remarry, as far as she's concerned, she is still married, and always will be. Have I mentioned I think that Adam's mother is one of the most amazing women I've ever known? Mom rules. (Yeah, I call her Mom.)) So...he wants her to be happy, so he'd suffer with Dad hating him. But Jeebuz. My parents, were never fricking happy together, so I have no reason to want the son of a bitch alive and hating me.

I just want him to love me.

And my Mother? In my head, she says she love sme, and I guess I know it. But when someone calls you a cunt and a bitch your whole life, and beats the shit out of you when you make simple mistakes, it tends to make you not believe those words. Or maybe it's just me. But I find it ridiculously hard to believe. She tries to show affection with gifts and shit, it doesn't work. All I want is her love and her help. I can't deal with this fucking emotional shit alone. And I have been for years. My friends online are the only ones that help, but there's only so much they can do. And well...we'll get to them in a minute.

But back to Mommy...

She just doesn't fucking understand that I need HER...not Presents. And she thinks because she gave me shit and all that....I'm just a spoiled brat. Fuck that. It's not like she has spoiled me THAT much, I have a hell of a lot less than the kids I went to school with, and I was content with that. I don't give a fuck about what I have.

*sigh* So yeah, there's another person I feel like they hate me.

My family? They treat me like shit. They have fucked with my little world for years and years and I'm disgusted with most of them. I feel like they all hate me too. And have for years. I mean, fuck, when you walk into the Christmas Eve Party at your Aunts house and your Aunt & Cousin start saying you answer the phone like a phone sex operator (I do fucking not), simply because they *know* you're having phone sex with your boyfriend, it tends to fucking embarass and piss you off.

I don't answer the phone like that, so why do they have to say it? Just to hurt and piss me off. That's not fucking family that cares, that's family that fucks with your head.

And then you've got the kids in school....they never fucking liked me. And I've never even been convinced that Stacy, the one I was "best friends" with from the time I was in 6th grade liked me. The way she treated me, I'm not sure if she was telling the truth about her family or if she just didn't like me. Either fricking way, there's that. They all hated me. Heh.

And then you've got my net friends....and while I *know* this can't be true, it's the way I've felt for a long time: My friends online don't really like me, they just tolerate me because they pity me and they're too nice to say anything about it. I know this can't be true, but I guess it's just how my brain works. I think there's a few of them I don't really believe this about...Sarah, Manda #67, and Manda...Sarah because...she's my Sawah...and....Manda #67 because she was madly in love with me (poor girl...I'm such a fucking cunt), and Manda....I guess because...she's always been there...for almost three years now, she's been there...but...I just don't know why. And all I can think of is they tolerate me and just *pulls hair out and collapses in tears*

Which is why I always think the only reason Adam's with me is because he doesn't think he can get better (I know he can, but he doesn't think he can). Adam swears that not it, and that he loves me and just...I don't fucking know. I just don't know.

If everyone else hates me, how can HE alone love me? If my friends just pity me and don't really like me, and my family, even my PARENTS hate me? How can he love me?

*sigh* Life's a fucked up mess right now, and I feel utterly worthless. And my precious fucking Mommy can't understand that. The other night I told her my life was a wreck at the moment and she said "what is so wrong in your life?"

And the only example I needed to give her before she burst into tears was my Father.

Oh...Jesus...*sigh* I was going through my OpenDiary...searching for...I don't know...but it was my first New Years with a Diary and I was just surfing through my January entries and I came across this:

"I am ready...hahahhahah yeah, sure...right... 1/21/2002
Keep listenin to this song...I Am Ready from the Cruel Intentions soundtrack...I am so not ready for anything. I'm alone, scared, frightened, deppressed. Nothing seems right. I feel so isolated, like a caged rat!!! Sure, I have the best friends in the world...(Sarah, Manda, Robbie, Jamie, Phil, Mikey! I love ya guys!!!) but I mean...they're oh so far away. I'm sorry guys, I really love ya'll..but it's true...dang non tangible crap!! LOL!

*sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel alone. And I feel like my life will never change...*sigh* I don't know what to do. *sigh* anyways...I'll talk to ya'll later...I'm gonna go work on something or another...

~Mandy "

The silver part wasn't highlighted in the original entry, I highlighted it because of this:

Some things...have changed....but some things never ever have. And then, the things I didn't want to change...have....*sigh*

The other day I said those exact words to Adam, and I never realized....that I'd said them before...3 years ago almost.

God, what is happening to me? How am I suppose to do this alone? Because Adam doesn't know how to help, and godamnit *THAT ONE* who *DID* understand pushed me away, and so many of my olds friends are gone, and the others are so busy with school and just...

I can't fucking do this anymore. I got shoved away from my faith. My friends all got "real lives"....everythings so wrong...

I'm so tired....

I understand my friends had to grow up and live their lives...I just wish I could be a part of those lives..

*sigh* I'm going to go, but before I do....my New Years Resolutions...

#1. Create one piece of art with every medium I have ever wanted to try.
#2. Get a total of 100 DeviantWatchers at DA (a girl has to have a goal, right?)
#3. Start a Web-Comic/Manga (with MY shitty artistry? Ha..ha..ha.)
#4. Get 10,000 hits on my Website
#5. Get into shape. This one, unlike the other millions of womens who make this stupid fucking pledge, is very important. Right now, my body is a complete and utter health risk. And unfortunately, because of PCOS...*sigh* it's not getting better,but I'm going to the Endocrinologist in 5 days, so maybe...just maybe he can help.
#6 Figure out what the hell I believe.
#7 Attain some kind of inner peace.
#8 Get the hell away from my mother.
#9 Figure out what I want to do with my life.
#10 Get a nice collection of Art Supplies going.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 3:09 PM+

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