Why do I feel like the death march is playing as I'm going to write this? And why in God's name does the death march sound like Here Comes The Bride? *sigh* God only knows what's going on in my fucked up head.

I spent like, 2 hours crying on Adam last night because I just broke down. *sigh* Why? Because of things I've lied about and kept inside all this time, and with the stress of the realization that this was MY year. The year I was suppose to graduate, nd the year I turn 18. But I'll never graduate. Because I left and got my GED.

I will never....ever....graduate high school...

And that's just a big fat kick in the ass. I've looked forward to 2005 my whole life. Now it's here, and I spent New Years Eve hating myself. Why?

Multiple reasons...the things I've lied about.....

I've been lieing for years when I say I don't care when my mother talks shit to me. That I don't care what other people think of me. It's not that I care what they think of me....it's my family. My parents.

My dad didn't bother for 11 years, when I called *HIM* right before I turned 11, he began to bother. And he's treated me like shit. He's talked shit about me to my mother, his mother, everyone. He makes me feel like fucking garbage.

All I wanted, was to be Daddy's little girl. All I ever wanted, was for him to love me. And apparently that was too god damned much.

And here I am, going on 18 years old, and all I want is for my daddy to tuck me in and kiss me good night like he does with my little brother and sister..... Now it would probably just be wierd....I mean when I was a kid. *sigh* I just want a father. I didn't think that that was too much to ask, but I guess it is. He sure as shit can't treat me like he does Nick & Bren. But, then again, this *IS* my father we're talking about.

*sigh* When I was in Daisy Girl Scouts as a kid..there was this little thing...Father-Daughter Do-Dad Weekend...*sigh* It was where the Daisy's and their Daddy's all went on a camping trip....mom tried to get a friend of the family (someone I cared about as a friend, not a dad or even an uncle)...to take me..and he said he would, but I was like "hell no"...he wasn't my dad.

And a million other things like that. Spoiled little rich bitches who get pissed off at their daddies because they cut off their cash flow, or make them babysit. They're so godamned ungrateful.

Kids who lose their parents to death...I feel so sorry for. (Adam's dad died when Adam was only 15...)....and in a way, they understand better than anyone how I feel. But the wierd thing is, Adam has one thing in the way of understanding. He says he'd rather his father be alive and hate him, for the simple fact that his mom would be happy then. (His mother, in 12, almost 13 years, has never even so much as looked at another man...she will never date or remarry, as far as she's concerned, she is still married, and always will be. Have I mentioned I think that Adam's mother is one of the most amazing women I've ever known? Mom rules. (Yeah, I call her Mom.)) So...he wants her to be happy, so he'd suffer with Dad hating him. But Jeebuz. My parents, were never fricking happy together, so I have no reason to want the son of a bitch alive and hating me.

I just want him to love me.

And my Mother? In my head, she says she love sme, and I guess I know it. But when someone calls you a cunt and a bitch your whole life, and beats the shit out of you when you make simple mistakes, it tends to make you not believe those words. Or maybe it's just me. But I find it ridiculously hard to believe. She tries to show affection with gifts and shit, it doesn't work. All I want is her love and her help. I can't deal with this fucking emotional shit alone. And I have been for years. My friends online are the only ones that help, but there's only so much they can do. And well...we'll get to them in a minute.

But back to Mommy...

She just doesn't fucking understand that I need HER...not Presents. And she thinks because she gave me shit and all that....I'm just a spoiled brat. Fuck that. It's not like she has spoiled me THAT much, I have a hell of a lot less than the kids I went to school with, and I was content with that. I don't give a fuck about what I have.

*sigh* So yeah, there's another person I feel like they hate me.

My family? They treat me like shit. They have fucked with my little world for years and years and I'm disgusted with most of them. I feel like they all hate me too. And have for years. I mean, fuck, when you walk into the Christmas Eve Party at your Aunts house and your Aunt & Cousin start saying you answer the phone like a phone sex operator (I do fucking not), simply because they *know* you're having phone sex with your boyfriend, it tends to fucking embarass and piss you off.

I don't answer the phone like that, so why do they have to say it? Just to hurt and piss me off. That's not fucking family that cares, that's family that fucks with your head.

And then you've got the kids in school....they never fucking liked me. And I've never even been convinced that Stacy, the one I was "best friends" with from the time I was in 6th grade liked me. The way she treated me, I'm not sure if she was telling the truth about her family or if she just didn't like me. Either fricking way, there's that. They all hated me. Heh.

And then you've got my net friends....and while I *know* this can't be true, it's the way I've felt for a long time: My friends online don't really like me, they just tolerate me because they pity me and they're too nice to say anything about it. I know this can't be true, but I guess it's just how my brain works. I think there's a few of them I don't really believe this about...Sarah, Manda #67, and Manda...Sarah because...she's my Sawah...and....Manda #67 because she was madly in love with me (poor girl...I'm such a fucking cunt), and Manda....I guess because...she's always been there...for almost three years now, she's been there...but...I just don't know why. And all I can think of is they tolerate me and just *pulls hair out and collapses in tears*

Which is why I always think the only reason Adam's with me is because he doesn't think he can get better (I know he can, but he doesn't think he can). Adam swears that not it, and that he loves me and just...I don't fucking know. I just don't know.

If everyone else hates me, how can HE alone love me? If my friends just pity me and don't really like me, and my family, even my PARENTS hate me? How can he love me?

*sigh* Life's a fucked up mess right now, and I feel utterly worthless. And my precious fucking Mommy can't understand that. The other night I told her my life was a wreck at the moment and she said "what is so wrong in your life?"

And the only example I needed to give her before she burst into tears was my Father.

Oh...Jesus...*sigh* I was going through my OpenDiary...searching for...I don't know...but it was my first New Years with a Diary and I was just surfing through my January entries and I came across this:

"I am ready...hahahhahah yeah, sure...right... 1/21/2002
Keep listenin to this song...I Am Ready from the Cruel Intentions soundtrack...I am so not ready for anything. I'm alone, scared, frightened, deppressed. Nothing seems right. I feel so isolated, like a caged rat!!! Sure, I have the best friends in the world...(Sarah, Manda, Robbie, Jamie, Phil, Mikey! I love ya guys!!!) but I mean...they're oh so far away. I'm sorry guys, I really love ya'll..but it's true...dang non tangible crap!! LOL!

*sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel alone. And I feel like my life will never change...*sigh* I don't know what to do. *sigh* anyways...I'll talk to ya'll later...I'm gonna go work on something or another...

~Mandy "

The silver part wasn't highlighted in the original entry, I highlighted it because of this:

Some things...have changed....but some things never ever have. And then, the things I didn't want to change...have....*sigh*

The other day I said those exact words to Adam, and I never realized....that I'd said them before...3 years ago almost.

God, what is happening to me? How am I suppose to do this alone? Because Adam doesn't know how to help, and godamnit *THAT ONE* who *DID* understand pushed me away, and so many of my olds friends are gone, and the others are so busy with school and just...

I can't fucking do this anymore. I got shoved away from my faith. My friends all got "real lives"....everythings so wrong...

I'm so tired....

I understand my friends had to grow up and live their lives...I just wish I could be a part of those lives..

*sigh* I'm going to go, but before I do....my New Years Resolutions...

#1. Create one piece of art with every medium I have ever wanted to try.
#2. Get a total of 100 DeviantWatchers at DA (a girl has to have a goal, right?)
#3. Start a Web-Comic/Manga (with MY shitty artistry? Ha..ha..ha.)
#4. Get 10,000 hits on my Website
#5. Get into shape. This one, unlike the other millions of womens who make this stupid fucking pledge, is very important. Right now, my body is a complete and utter health risk. And unfortunately, because of PCOS...*sigh* it's not getting better,but I'm going to the Endocrinologist in 5 days, so maybe...just maybe he can help.
#6 Figure out what the hell I believe.
#7 Attain some kind of inner peace.
#8 Get the hell away from my mother.
#9 Figure out what I want to do with my life.
#10 Get a nice collection of Art Supplies going.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 3:09 PM+

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