So, yeah, Christmas sucked. I mean, presents are cool, don't get me wrong, but that's not what Christmas is about, and I spent most of the day holed up at my computer crying. *sigh* Yeah, I'm a jackass. My entire family was here Christmas day, but we all know how my family and I work, right? Right.

BUT...I must say, Christmas Eve was rather nice. My step-dad's sister, niece, and his sister's fiance' came down to spend a few days with us before Christmas, and before they had to leave that night to go back to St. Louis, we went out to Chinese for Christmas Eve dinner, and we all had a blast. Adam & Mikey got Burger King and brought it to the Chinese place. 'Twas funneh.

So, ye' wanna know what I got? Let me start listing...
In order of whom gave it to me (note, sometimes when I state what "I" got..it's a joint present between Adam & I):
Adam's Mom: The most beautiful sweater I've ever seen in my life (I'll get you all pics soon), and a beautiful little body wash/lotion/perfume set.
My Mom: A shit load of books concerning everything from Self Help to Balancing Chakra's to the "real" deal behind Mary Magdelene. A toaster, a can opener, two huge kitchen jars, 4 small table jars for things like cream, sugar, etc., a desk organizer, and various other little things. She also gave me the 50 dollars my Grampa sent for her and Dan. She also bought most of my World of WarCraft Collectors Edition (my grama helped a little), and she kicked in the extra cash for the down payment on our trailer. (She owed me like, $350 bucks from this summer, and so, the rest for the down payment on the trailer was a Christmas Present).
My Grampa: 25 bucks
My Aunt Terry: A kick ass t-shirt of a dog looking miserable, dressed up Christmasy and says "I've got a Christmas Attitude".
My Cousin Lexi: A little Panda-beanie-baby-type-thing (^-^) Sqwee!
My Aunt Tammy: An angel keychain, some victorian post cards, a kick ass necklace, a mood toe ring (rofl), and some hand loation :)
My Uncle Jay: 20 bucks :)
My Grama: She pitched in on my World of WarCraft collectors edition a few weeks ago.
Adam (he took some of the money we got for Christmas and bought me a pressie): A CAREBEAR! A *GIANT* talking Harmony-Bear! Sqwee!
My Grama Nita & Grampa Larry (my step-dad's parents): a crap load of this awesome trail-nut-mix (Grama Nita knows I'm worried about my PCOS so she bought a bunch of really expensive nuts and stuff and made me special trail mix instead of just sending me home candy like she did with everyone else lol), and 4 different types of Bath & Body Works Body Wash (^-^) I smell good!
My Little Brother: he kicked in a bit of the money for my Harmony-bear, bought me a cute little set of Hugging-Care bears (Tenderheart & Love-Alot...they're being "Shared" between Mikey and I lol), and he bought me a little memo pad and gave me his Neopets Trading Cards he got back when McDonalds was giving them out (^-^)

And that's it :) I still have money to spend, but already I've bought: Craftwire & beads (don't ask), a 3 ring binder, hair ties (damn long ass mess!), and a new sketchy pad (^-^) Woosh! And I got a 3 month DeviantArt subscription! w00tage!

Anyways, I made my first Chibi-Anime-CG thingy last night. Yeah, I finally stopped being a coward. Click Here to see it.

Anyways, not much else is up. Happy Holidays folks, I'll probably update again relatively soon.

~Mandy


posted by Manda @ 6:42 PM+

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+Monday, December 13, 2004+

And she wonders why...

*sigh* So the trailer is here and set up....it just got finished being set up roughly 20 minutes ago....and my mom is pissed at me because I'm not running out this second in this chilly ass weather to go look at it. I peaked my head in and saw most of it today, and even said it was a nice little dump. Which, c'mon, it's a trailer, it's a little dump, lol. I even said it'd be nice once fixed up.

When it's done being set up, she hollars to me and Adam, who are snuggling in our room "We have house".....and I say back "And your point is?"

Now she's irate with me, even though I tried to sit down and explain to her that I've been horribly deppressed for the last month and a half. That I haven't been interested in much of anything but burying myself in my art and curling up in bed and crying.

Not that she cares. She's bitching at me and she WONDERS why I want the fuck away from her.

Grr.

Every Christmas it's like this. Every year things are sad and deppressed. This is year #4. *Sigh* 2000, 1999....they weren't that great either....*sigh*

I'm sick of hating my mom at Christmas time.

Fuck her.

I'm tired of caring about her. I'm not going to be this way because of her.

Yeah right, I always say that.

posted by Manda @ 5:43 PM+

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+Sunday, December 12, 2004+

*sigh*

So yeah, last night wasn't good, and I snapped and lost a grip and that's just not good. But..I'm doing better now *sigh* I think. I dunno. I just wish I could...do something...

I want to be able to...do things...like make beautiful art...I want to be special. I want to be able to be different, to do something special. For people to recognize me as someone special...

*sigh* I hate that I just get trashed on and treated like shit constantly...and I can't ever be special...*curls up* And the one time I do..it was for no reason...and it got shot to hell quickly...

*sigh* Oh well. Anyways...

Toodles.

P.S. I lasted 6 months, 2 weeks, 2 days...time to start over...*sigh* IE: Yes, I cut.

posted by Manda @ 5:48 PM+

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+Saturday, December 11, 2004+

I FUCKING HATE YOU

I hate the fact that EVERY person in my life has to do SOMETHING to fuck it up. Even if it's something little, every one of them has done something to hurt me or make my life worse. No matter how wonderful they are

I fucking hate my mother. All she's done is tear my heart apart.
I fucking hate him. Because he understood me, and then walked away.
I fucking hate Dylan. Because I loved him until I couldn't love anymore, and he left me for someone else and killed a part of me.

I fucking hate my life, because it has no point, no meaning. I have no reason to exist, and I hate it. I don't want to be alive anymore.

It's one thing to want to die. It's another to just not want to be alive anymore.

I want to kill someone. I want to tear someone's fucking heart out and watch it beat in my hand and then squeeze it, knowing I took that from them. Knowing I killed them. I want to fucking slit my throat. Why? Because it's so much easier than killing someone else, and I would never want to hurt another person like that, except my mom. She's done worse to me.

She left me alive, to feel the pain for years.

Killing me would have been nicer.

I want to die. I'm so god damned tired of all of this pain, the self loatheing, the self doubting, the tears. The hatred for myself. The sadness. The loneliness.

I hate it. I hate me. I hate my life.

I want to be dead. I want to see nothing but black. I want it to all go away.

posted by Manda @ 10:40 PM+

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+Friday, December 10, 2004+

I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt...

She said "Don't
Don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said "you're a touch over rated
You're a lush and I hate it
But these grass stains on my knees
They won't mean a thing"

And all I
Need to know
Is I'm something you'll be missing
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did get quite that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
Is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I
Need to know
Is I'm something you'll be missing
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did get quite that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that that...

'Cause I'm a wishful with the worst intentions
This will be the last chance that you get to drop my name
'Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This will be the last chance that you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar

You're So Last Summer by Taking Back Sunday

*~*~*~*~*~*

*SIGH* *mumbles* I'd probably even try to clean the blood off...

*curls up in her corner with her pandoon and her blankie and sobs*

posted by Manda @ 12:10 AM+

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+Tuesday, December 07, 2004+

*sigh* And I'd give up forever to touch you...

So..the joys of life eh?

Not much new is up, except the lack of my sanity. Yaye.

Made a new doll, cried during 99.9% of it's making. You can see it on the side bar. *sigh* Self explanatory I believe. Looks really shitty on a black background.

Not much else is up, 'cept I'm dolling more and whatnot, but we already knew that. Yes, we did.
(T-T)--(U-U)--(*-*)--(^-^)--(@-@)--($-$)--(#-#)--(!-!)--(^_^)--(~_^)--(O-O)--(o_O)--(-_-)

<('-')> (>'-')> <(___)> <('-'<) <('-')> Yes, that's my poor attempt at Kirby. Lemme alone..

Yayeness for wierd smilies. Woot.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven
That I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

When all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
~Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

*Sigh* Just...sigh.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 10:53 AM+

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+Monday, December 06, 2004+

*curls up in her corner* I'm stupid, you're smarter..

I fucking hate myself right now. Like, worse than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life. I fucking hate me.

I was so stupid. I'm so godamn stupid. I'm so fucking dumb. I knew. I fucking KNEW he'd never care about me. I never thought he'd even consider me more than a toy, but he considers me a friend. Whoopedy fucking doo dah. Here I am actually fucking psychotic enough to fucking walk away from *EVERYTHING* for him, and I'm a friend. w00t.

God I'm so fucking stupid. I tried so hard not to fall for him. I tried so god damn hard to not let it happen, to remind myself that there was to be "no attatchment".

And what do I do?

Fall head over fucking heals.

God I hate me. I fucking hate me.

He's the most beautiful thing in the world. How can I be feeling this?

How can I care about someone so much that I could possibly consider walking away from EVERYTHING to move to another godamn continent? How the fuck can I be thinking such a thing?

I don't get it. He's the only fucking person who understands me. The only one in my entire life who really gets me, and who knows the road I've walked, and who helps me. He fucking helps me so much with coping and dealing and learning to block shit. And godamn it he makes me so mutherfucking happy. He makes me fucking grin just by telling me to fuck off (jokingly of course). I mean, what the FUCK is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'm sitting here in tears, not even knowing why I'm crying, because I knew this was coming. I wrote it in my pencil & paper journal...and beat myself into the ground for days, telling myself that this would end up bad.

Why Aijo? Why? Why must you know me better than I know myself at times? Why must you do things to me that no one has ever done before?

Why must I care about you like I do? Why do I give a fuck about you? WHY?

Because I knew all along that you would never care about me, and I accepted that, because just being around you makes me happy...because of what you give me.

Because I'm a fucking masochist.

I'm stupid, you're smarter
I'm stupid, thinking there's a way
That this could turn out right

I'm dreaming, you woke up
And I should have known from the start
That you were never mine

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me...

I'm crying, but don't pity
I'm dying, but just walk away
I'm gonna be alright..

'Cause I was dreaming
But you woke up
And I'm gonna miss you
But I...
I'm gonna be alright...

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
If I can't make you love me
You're not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me
Don't worry about me


I'm stupid
You're smarter
I'm stupid
Thinking there's a way
That this could turn out right..

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me

If I can't make you love me
You're not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me
Don't worry about me

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me...

~I'm Stupid (Don't Worry About Me) by Prime STH

*curls up in her corner and clings to her Panda for dear life*

~Mandy

posted by Manda @ 6:11 AM+

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+Saturday, December 04, 2004+

Hrmmm....

Welp, not much has been up lately.

Alright, *that*'s a lie. Things have been relatively interesting. I won't get into a whole lot of detail, but yeah....things get so wierd *sigh*..

Adam and I are getting married in Sept., and of course, the thought of it makes me want to run in terror, but that's nothing new. Marriage always scares me. I should just fucking tie the knot and get it over with so I can't be afraid anymore.

What am I saying. The word sends me into panic attacks *sigh*

So anyways...yeah....Aijo. *SIGH* Big fucking sigh. Up until about 5 minutes ago (literally), I thought I was just a stupid idiot...now maybe I'm not so stupid. But anyways. Yeah. Damnit Aijo. Damnit, damnit, damnit.

*sigh* So anyways, in other news....I've actually been giving my poor DeviantArt account some love, since it's been being neglected for as long as I've had it. It's getting lots of love. *hugs her DA* Muah.

Go check it out if you have a few minutes on your hands to be bored. Buah. (For those of you who are too lazy to go to my links section and click: Click Here, Lazy Ass)

Anyways, not much is up. Just the same old shit. Well, I've been playing World of WarCraft since Nov. 24th, which is like, awesome, though I haven't played much the past few days because I've been in an artsy mood. So yeah, that's about it. Heh.

Anyways, ta.
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 3:03 AM+

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