I fucking hate myself right now. Like, worse than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life. I fucking hate me.

I was so stupid. I'm so godamn stupid. I'm so fucking dumb. I knew. I fucking KNEW he'd never care about me. I never thought he'd even consider me more than a toy, but he considers me a friend. Whoopedy fucking doo dah. Here I am actually fucking psychotic enough to fucking walk away from *EVERYTHING* for him, and I'm a friend. w00t.

God I'm so fucking stupid. I tried so hard not to fall for him. I tried so god damn hard to not let it happen, to remind myself that there was to be "no attatchment".

And what do I do?

Fall head over fucking heals.

God I hate me. I fucking hate me.

He's the most beautiful thing in the world. How can I be feeling this?

How can I care about someone so much that I could possibly consider walking away from EVERYTHING to move to another godamn continent? How the fuck can I be thinking such a thing?

I don't get it. He's the only fucking person who understands me. The only one in my entire life who really gets me, and who knows the road I've walked, and who helps me. He fucking helps me so much with coping and dealing and learning to block shit. And godamn it he makes me so mutherfucking happy. He makes me fucking grin just by telling me to fuck off (jokingly of course). I mean, what the FUCK is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'm sitting here in tears, not even knowing why I'm crying, because I knew this was coming. I wrote it in my pencil & paper journal...and beat myself into the ground for days, telling myself that this would end up bad.

Why Aijo? Why? Why must you know me better than I know myself at times? Why must you do things to me that no one has ever done before?

Why must I care about you like I do? Why do I give a fuck about you? WHY?

Because I knew all along that you would never care about me, and I accepted that, because just being around you makes me happy...because of what you give me.

Because I'm a fucking masochist.

I'm stupid, you're smarter
I'm stupid, thinking there's a way
That this could turn out right

I'm dreaming, you woke up
And I should have known from the start
That you were never mine

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me...

I'm crying, but don't pity
I'm dying, but just walk away
I'm gonna be alright..

'Cause I was dreaming
But you woke up
And I'm gonna miss you
But I...
I'm gonna be alright...

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
If I can't make you love me
You're not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me
Don't worry about me


I'm stupid
You're smarter
I'm stupid
Thinking there's a way
That this could turn out right..

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me

If I can't make you love me
You're not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me
Don't worry about me

'Cause if I can't make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
Don't worry about me...

~I'm Stupid (Don't Worry About Me) by Prime STH

*curls up in her corner and clings to her Panda for dear life*

~Mandy

posted by Manda @ 6:11 AM+

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