To hear the song I'm listening to now. "Hard Love" by Bob Franke. I finally managed to find it, hurrah.

Of course, I first learned about it through the book of the same title by Ellen Wittlinger, which, if you know me, you know is one of my all-time favorite books. Too. Awesome. For. Words.

*sigh* So, yeah, I decided to whip it out and re-read it. I managed to plow through it in a matter of a few hours....and of course, I'm at the end, and crying, and listening to the song, and trying to breath, because it reminds me so much of a situation I'm in now. And DAMNIT TO HELL does it make me feel...like I'm growing up, and yet so broken and damn lost. I hate that feeling.

I haven't posted a lot of personal stuff in my blog lately, I've kind of been keeping it at arms length for fear of some things, but I'm getting over that again...this is my damn blog. I choose to bare my soul to the world, and godamnit, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it properly.

(-_-) Hurrah, me.

Seriously, though, peoples....if you can't find the song, at least check out the lyrics, and I highly, highly reccomend the book. Like I said, it's one of my all-time favorites. Like, in the Top 5. And when you read as much as I do, that's serious shit.

Oddly enough....the two sections that apply to my situation, are the two quoted in the book...

"It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name,
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave you was hard love."

"So, I"ll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself, and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes, it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."

So...very, very true.
-Manda

posted by Manda @ 9:16 AM+

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+Thursday, July 27, 2006+

O.O Sometimes I startle even me...

Alright, now, anyone who knows me knows that my family is a bit on the wierd side in that we have clairvoyant abilities.

Mine basically stick within the realms of predicting things, reading people's thoughts, and having extreme empathy (feeling other's emotions)...

Sometimes I start to wonder if maybe I'm crazy and it's all in my head (I know it's not, but....people tell you that enough, and well...), but....there are subtle reminders. Like having dreamed about my Uncle's death two days before it happened (and having told my entire family about said dream....everyone remembers this, not just me.), having dreamed that my little brother broke some of my mother's precious things from her curio display cabinet and him doing so three days later, knowing what people are going to say, once telling a friend exactly what he was eating while we were chatting online (he lived in Tennessee, I was in Arkansas, we'd never met, I knew none of his food preferences), etc. I've proven my abilities to myself, and many others, time and time again, but sometimes it catches even me by surprise, because frankly, I don't really control it. (Yes, yes, I know, I sound fuckin' crazy...but just read...)

So....today...as Nirvana's "Something In The Way" was ending, I began to sing another song...Foo Fighters "The Best Of You"...no sooner had I sung "I've got another confession to make, I'm your--" does that exact song come on.

Now, mind you, there is no music at the beginning I could have heard and thought "Oh, that's..." it's just the dude's voice, and the song hadn't started yet, at all, PERIOD.

I have 125 songs on this playlist, and it's on SHUFFLE.

Yes, I know, it could be an odd coincidence, but I'm sorry, to me...that's just a tad bit beyond (-_-)

Anyways, I'm tired, and for some reason, I felt like that was worth blogging about.

-Manda

posted by Manda @ 7:21 AM+

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+Wednesday, July 26, 2006+

Hurrah!

So....I'm working on pulling out the writing gloves once more. Of cours,e I've been working on my Fan-Fictions, because, you know, I can't just leave them unfinished, but lately I've been seriously contemplating working on an original piece.

But there are issues with that, of course. Things like, oh, I want my stories to reflect the kinds of things I'm interested in, or at least do things that I believe are worth reading about. Unfortunately, my world is a bit too taboo for the romance novel world. Bleh.

So, anyways, I'm working on writing a story that reflects the sort of things I find interesting, and trying to ignore the fact that it'll never be published. Heh.

I'm also planning on starting a "Writing" blog.....mostly to motivate my ass. Hurrah.

Anyways, here's something fun, fun, fun!


Yes, that's right, I made a South Park-esque version of me. I've wanted to for awhile, though I didn't expect there to be a generator for this sort of thing...I shoulda known better.

Anyways, if you want one of your own, go to SouthPark Studio's!

*yawns* Old episode's of Roseanne are on Nick @ Night, I have a tasty batch of quotes to jot into my quotes journal, and I've got many, many romance novels I need to finish plowing through.

*yawns* G'night, folksies.
-Manda

posted by Manda @ 3:22 AM+

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+Sunday, July 23, 2006+

Could anything ever be this good again?

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red,
Out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head,
Out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head,
Out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

*sigh* I haven't really written so much about my life as just thoughts lately 'cause I'm afraid of sounding too angsty, heh...

But...I feel like i need to get some things out, specifically where a certain ex of mine is concerned *coughReecough*

This song reminds me of a lot of things in my life, but lately it really really reminds me of him, but then again, so does pretty much everything. I guess that happens when you love someone and miss them.

I was reading through some of our old conversation's last night and it was really like having teeth pulled...

And then today I pulled out the letter he sent me with the package he sent me last April...

"Peche -

I love you dearly, Amanda. That's why I put this package together in the first place. That's also why I just couldn't stop adding to it. I want to give you the world...so I'll give you part of mine.

Enjoy with all the love I picked them with. I love you always. - Raven"

Why can't anything in my life ever be simple? Why do I have to fall for the most...offbeat people? Why can't anything ever just go the way I want it to -_-

*sigh*

Aishiteru yo, Tenshi-sama.

-Koishii, Peche, Manda

posted by Manda @ 11:11 PM+

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+Tuesday, July 11, 2006+

Greetings from Vacation-land!

So, as I mentioned previously....I had two vacation's to go on, and I'm currently on the second one. (^-^) I'm visiting Phil in TX. Now, for brief background info...

I've known Phil since I was 13. We met in EQ during the last few weeks of my 8th grade school year. Yeah, lots has come and gone since then. Heh.

I came down to TX to visit our mutual friend Michael about 3 years ago, but I only got to see Phil for about an hour then. Heh.

So, yeah, I've been down here a few days and things are really cool. I was extremely nervous at first, 'cause Phil's like, one of my favorite people on earth, and my trip to see Michael went REALLY badly because of circumstances in his life, and I was petrified something similar would happen with Philip, but so far, things are going great. It's basically how I always pictured it, except I'm smarter now, thankfully. (Phil's a damned genius).

I've been being subjected to all kinds of good music (Phil is the one who turned me into a Grunge head originally, years and years ago when we met. Thank you, Philip!)

It's funny, because this feels like back then, except in person, ha.

If you're curious about things that went on back then, you can always go read my OpenDiary which I started a few months after meeting Phil, and it gives quite a few details about the past. (Click Here if you're curious. I can't really promise it's all that interesting, though, but if you're looking for past details about me, it's a great place to start.)

So, anyways....I'm not doing much other than vedging to music while Phil's at work and reading. I gotta admit, I'm kinda bored without him around, heh, go figure. I really should be playing Katamari Damacy, though. I need to beat it before I go home, heh. Awesome game. Horribly addictive.

Anyways, I'm having a great time. I'll probably be posting some lyrics or something here shortly. Wewt.

*Hugs*
Mandy

posted by Manda @ 10:06 AM+

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+Tuesday, July 04, 2006+

The Trippage

Alright, I'm a slack ass. I just really don't feel like typing up a whole entry about my trip, because, quite frankly, it all happened too fast, I'm tired...(I have been for awhile...I lost my medicine on the way back from St. Louis and I just....don't feel like much of anything) and just...yeah, so you're getting a copy & paste of my DevArt journal entry. So, here ya' go...

"Well, as you can tell, I'm back from vacation.

Though things didn't exactly go as planned, hehehe.

So, here's a brief overview of what went on:

Day 1 - Wednesday, June 21st - Leave around 7 pm. Pick up Justin on our way North-ward. Drive all night.

Day 2 - Thursday, June 22nd - Arrive in St. Louis around midnight. Get an AWESOME meal cooked for us by my Grama Nita & Grampa Larry (my step-dad's parents), even though it was super late. They rock. Get back on the road around 2 am. My flannel dissapears out of the blue, no trace of it in sight. Sometime around 6 am we hit Indianapolist, and my ass got lost there. We still have yet to find it. But, we found my flannel.

We reached Ohio around 1:00 pm and waited at Miss Chrissy's. (Miss Chrissy is my adopted-aunt who I've known FOREVER who is also one of my mom's nearest and dearest friends.) She got home around 3:30ish, which was waay later than she was suppose to. After she got home, we all hung out for a bit, then headed over to a wing place to have dinner. We had a bad ass time.

After dinner, we went back to her house and hung out a bit, then we headed over to my former step-dad, Mike's, house, which is where we were staying. (Yes, Mike is my lil brother Mikey's dad.)

We got there, settled in for the night, talked to Mike a bit, then Justin, Mikey, Adam, & I hung out in the basement and played games until we decided to go to sleep.

Day 3 - Friday, June 23rd, 2006 - Mom wanted to visit her friends in Greenville (where she grew up/ I was born), but I wasn't feeling up to it. So, Adam, Mikey, & I stayed with Mike.

We had a really good day together, and it was nice to relax for a bit. Trust me, in the days to come, I'd appreciate that relaxation, lol.

Day 4 - THE PARTY - Saturday, June 24th, 2006 - We got up around 7 amish, had breakfast, and then rushed off to get to Cranberry Park for the party. On the way, we got to go to a Drive-Through Dunkin' Donuts (sweeet). So, we got there at about 10 am and started decorating, la di da. And then around 1, people started showing up. It was an absolute fucking blast. Trying to describe just how awesome it was would take -eons-, so I'll post it in my blog soon. But, a few highlights were getting to see my mom's cousin, Jason's, little boys, Josh & Jordan, who, aren't so little anymore. Jason died back in October, and it was really nice to see how well the boys are doing. I also got to see my two favorite aunts -- Aunt Barb, my Grama's sister, and Aunt Donna, my Grama's little brother's wife. They are SO wonderful, and Aunt Donna gives THE best hugs. (Aunt Donna is Josh & Jordan's gramma who's been raising them for years.)

I also got to see my cousin, Woobz (Jay), who is like my brother. He moved to Utah to work at eBay, and yeah, I've really freakin' missed him, so it was so cool getting to hang with him. It was really awesome, he'd found this kickass game shop near the park, and so he, Justin (who's my best friend and Jay's), Adam, & I all piled in the Aztec and ran down there, and Woobz decided to buy the D&D Player's Manual as an early birthday present for Adam & I (^-^)


My boys! (^-^) My favorite men! Jay, Adam, & Justin. From shortest to tallest (^-^) Note: My other two favorite men couldn't/wouldn't be there. One's in Texas, and the other is in the Airforce, ROFL.

So, this is where the itinerary changed. I wanted to spend more time with Woobz, and so did Justin and everyone else. So we decided we'd miss most of Pridefest and hang out a bit more in PA, leave the next morning, and catch the end of it.

Well, we were all partying pretty hard at my Aunt Candy's that night. (Candy's my mom's cousin). 'Cept for me and my 2nd cousin, Hunter. The two of us hung out and talked and talked and talked all night while everyone else got drunk, lol. It turns out, he and I have a shit load in common. Which is funny because when we were little, he was the runt that we all kinda drug around. He annoyed us 'cause we had to take care of him, LOL. Now he's fuckin' rad. It's wierd, he and I are so much alike it blows my mind.

So, anyways, it was a very good night. Well, Adam had passed out early in the night in the Aztec..

Day 5 - Sunday, June 25th, 2006 -

Around 4 am, everyone but Justin, Jay, Hunter, & I had went to sleep. Around 5:30, Justin & Jay went to crash. Around 6, Hunter and I did the same. I went and passed out in the Aztec with Adam, lol.

A few hours later, Woobz was leaving to go visit his dad's side of the family, and we were going to leave. So, I hugged and kissed him goodbye, and that was that.

Then, we did our rounds of goodbye's with the family and we were on our way back to St. Louis---at this point, we were too late to make Pridefest, but you know what? That was A-Okay! We hit the game shop on our way out of town, since Adam & I still had $$ and we knew we wouldn't make Pridefest. Mom & Dan + Adam & I split the cost of the $40 Forgotten Realms Campaign Manual. I also got a full set of dice! My first full-set ever!! (^-^)


Me picking through the dice at the Game Shop! (^-^) So much fun!

We hit St. Louis way late (looong drive), so they'd postponed Floydfest until Monday. No problems there.

Day 6 - Monday, June 26th, 2006 - We woke up and ate breakfast. Then Grama Nita & Grampa Larry (my step-dad, Dan's parents) asked if we'd like to go to the St. Louis Science Center. Of course, we said yes.

So, we went, woohoo!! We didn't have a whole lot of time to look around 'cause we only had two hours, and there was a special exhibit known as the Lego Mind Storms that Me, Justin, Mikey, & Adam wanted to take part in, soooo, we only had an hour to gawk, then we had to get over to Mind Storms. Well, when we got there, we found out that it wasn't what we thought (^-^) It turns out, Lego Mind Storms is a program where you put together a Logo Robot then program it! (^_^) It was SO cool.

Justin & Mikey were on a team and Adam & I were on one as well. All together, there were 4 teams.

Our robot's job was to clean up "trash", and whoever cleaned up the most trash from their ant hill in 2 minutes won each little competition.

Well, Round 1 was Mikey & Justin vs Adam & I. We won! (^-^)

Round 2 was Adam & I vs another team, and we tied (-_-)

It was awesome!

Then we had to head home.

We went home and hung out for a bit, and Grama asked me if I'd like to participate in her Bible Study group that night. I said sure, so she gave me her book to look over the material and whatnot. Then she ordered pizza and we chowed down, then we had the Bible study. It was really, really awesome!! (^-^) It was one of the most comfortable experiences with Christianity I have yet to experience :)

Then we had Floydfest! It started out pretty spiffy, 'cept mom was sick (she got sick on the way home from the Sci center). But, the DVD we were watching had a glitch, and we switched DVD's...it got kind of boring after that, but it was still cool.

Day 7 - Tuesday, June 27th, 2006 - As I woke up, I heard Dan mentioning that Laurell K. Hamilton, the author of the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series (my favorite author, btw), was doing a book signing in St. Louis because it was the release of the 14th Anita Blake book, and Laurell is from St. Louis (the series also takes place there). So, Dan said he wanted to go (he's the one who got our family into the series, and he like, lives at her website), and OBVIOUSLY I wanted to go, but we were out of cash and I was bumming that I wouldn't be able to buy a book to get signed.

So, later we're hanging out making D&D characters, and Grampa asked if we wanted to go to the Zoo---PSH! Like we WOULDN'T!

So, off to the St. Louis zoo! (^-^) Well, once again, it was me and the boys doing our own little group and then the adults going off with Genevieve & Hannah (Dan's sister's little girls). Well, Grampa gave us 40 bucks to buy train tickets and food and whatnot, but being us...we all decided to just conserve our cash and buy souveneirs!

So, we mapped out a fun route to take to see everything we really wanted to see, which included Mongeese, Bushdogs, Hippo's, PENGUINS, etc. (No Panda!) Well, on our route, I saw someone with a Build-A-Bear box, and Justin asked the lady for me where she got it. It turns out, the zoo has a shop called the "Build-A-Bear Workship At The Zoo" that has zoo exclusive animals!! (^-^) So, of course, we had to have one. So, Mikey & I put our cash together (Adam had spent his to buy me a little stuffed panda), and bought a stuffed tiger! We also got him a little T-Shirt that had the "Fragile Forest" exhibit logo on it, with the St. Louis zoo logo on the sleeve. We named him Demetri (^-^)

Well, by the time we got out of the Build-A-Bear, it was time to go, so we rushed back to our meeting spot and we left. The great thing is, the zoo is free, so we can go back to see everything else whenever we want! (^-^)

Well, we got home and had dinner, and I was still debating whether or not to go to the signing. Mom had said she'd talk to Dan about letting me get a paperback of "Guilty Pleasures" (the first Anita book) to get signed, so I had the opportunity to get a book signed. Well, at the end of dinner, Dan & Michael (his brother) were leaving to go to the signing, and Dan asked me if I was doing. I was mid-bite in a Chili dog and I don't know what made me decide to go, but I said "Yeah, let me finish this real quick!" I stuffed it into my mouth and vroomed off, dragging my camera, Mp3 player, and Adam in tow.

We got to the Barnes & Nobles at 8-ish. The place was PACKED >.< Well, I was standing around gawking and Dan walks over to me and hands me a hardback copy of Guilty Pleasures! (^_^) I grinned and was like "If you weren't my step-dad, I'd kiss you!" and Adam's like "Well give him a hug!" and I was like "Oh, I can do that!" and I glomped him, buahaha.

Dan said as far as he was concerned, if it was getting signed, it should be hardback. WEWT! (^-^)

So.....five hours later...at ONE IN THE MORNING, we FINALLY get to see Laurell. (They had a waiting-list type system with color coated wristbands of sorts, and we were waaay last.)

I was so damn nervous, and I even mentioned that to the guy that was standing next to her (it turns out that's her husband. I didn't know, Dan told me later), and he asked why. And I said "Because, she's my idol. I want to be a writer and she's like my Goddess!"

Laurell was like "Whoooah, no no, no god-heading." And I was like "Well, I don't mean the whole worship-thing, you're just everything I want to be!"

Well, Dan asked if we could get a picture with her, and we did, which was so freakin' cool.


Dan & I with Laurell K. Damn camera makes me look horrible. You can't even see that like, half my hair is down and framing my face, lol. BUT STILL! It's the point that counts!

And as I was leaving, I shook her hand and told her it was an honor to meet her, and she said "Good luck, and just, ya' know, believe in yourself!"

I literally danced out of B&N even though I was hurting SO bad from sitting on the B&N floor/walking around for hours. Well, when we got outside, I started walkin' backwards in the parking lot and was talking to Dan who was walking behind us and I was like "Have I ever told you I love you? I loved you before, but I really, really, really love you right now!"

Definately a bonding moment with Dan & I (^-^)

When I got in the car, I finally took a look inside my book...

"To Amanda - Good luck on your writing! - Laurell K. H. 6/27/2006".

(^-^)

To say the very least: It was one hell of a vacation.

P.S. I'll scan Laurell K's sig from my book soon and get it posted, as well as pictures of Demetri, my dice, and my Journey DVD."

In other news....I'm going to Phil's this Friday. I'm kinda....losin' it.

posted by Manda @ 5:15 PM+

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