Well, last night was my Graduation Dinner. Now, you all know I already got my GED and all that good stuff, so yeah...why was I having a Graduation Dinner a year and a half later?

Because I wanted to wait for my Class. And I did. And yeah, last night we had a little dinner to celebrate. Mom made massive ammounts of Shishkabobs, a Strawberry Cake (WOOT!), Klusky Noodles & Saurkraut, Klusky Noodles & Cottage Cheese, and she bought me Peach Ice cream!

She also bought me and my brother these little box planters, some special cactus-mix-soil, and 6 cacti each! (We've both been wanting these little cacti they've had at the Garden Center in WalMart and have been massively drooling. They're so cute!) So, I'm now growing Cacti! WOOT! (Mom has always had a green thumb, and me and Mikey inherited it...I've always loved growing stuff).

Mom also bought us all tie-dyed items. Me, Mom, & Gram each got full length spagetti strapped dresses (Me and mom got rainbows, Gram got Green & Blue), Mikey got a tank top (rainbow), and Dan got a t-shirt (blue & purple).

They were expensive, buuuuuuttt, sooo cool. I love my dress. Woot. I've been wearing it all last night. Yaye!

Mom's wearing hers to PrideFest, I think I'm going to wear a cocky t-shirt one day and my dress the other or something.

Anyways....I also got 60 bucks from my grama, several inspirational little nick-nack's from mom, a cool 2005 key chain, and a cute little Grad star. Yeah, I'll post pics. Can't right now though, have to finish this. My Grampa's coming over. Oye.

Forgot to mention that. Heh.

Will write more later.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 12:52 PM+

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+Friday, May 13, 2005+

So...

So, I saw Doctor Phil (My shrink....Phil is his first name, not his last, so don't think I'm visiting the famous guy. My Shrink is way better than that crackpot) on Monday, and he told me what everyone else told me: You can't change it. You've known all along your dad is a dick. You have got to learn to let it go. "It is as it is."

So yeah, I'm feeling a lot better about that and am dealing with that as best as I can. I haven't thought about it like I was, and lately I've been enjoying sinking myself in WoW. Woot.

Things are going pretty well. I'm leveling very well in WoW, getting my Guild back on track, and things are just in general getting a bit better.

I need to update my StarJar sometime soon, and I need to quit getting indigestion >.< LOL.

Anyways, I'm out for now. I'm going to try to get back to my every day updates. WoW sucked me in. What can I say? =P

Toodlies,
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 6:07 AM+

So that's where you've been. I was wondering where you dissapeared off to. :(
-Manda

# posted by  Anonymous : 2:27 PM

 

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+Friday, May 06, 2005+

*sigh*

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

*sigh* Back to Deppression central. And Adam's at work. So...I'm all alone. *sigh* And I'm going to be all alone (except for sleeping) all of tonight, and all tommorow. And yeah, I know, Mom and them are around, but they're all so absorbed in their games, I might as well not exist. And yeah...*sigh*

I dunno, I'm just like, ready to jump out a window. Not that htat'd do much good...I'd get stuck in it lol. Our windows are tiny.

I saved a Humming-bird today..which was cool. I flew in through the back door and started beaming itself off of one of the windows....it was gonna kill itself...so I quickly scrambled over boxes and lots of shit to get to the window, grab it gently, and release it out the back door. It was really cool...

That bird was so soft, it was amazing. I was so terrified I was going to hold it too tight and crush it, lol.

It was so beautiful...*sigh* So gentle, and just, awesome...

It was so nifty.

Anyways, that was the highlight of my day. I really need a shower, but I'm so afraid of that fricking shower breaking *sigh* I'm afraid it's going to fall and I'm going to fall with it and break my neck....(the floor under it is rotten, and the tub itself is cracked and yeah, it's plastic, and just yeah, I'm terrified).

Anyways, I'm gonna go shower and whatnot. Hopefully that'll cheer me up..

Laters,
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 8:26 PM+

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+Thursday, May 05, 2005+

Damn Him.

*sigh* Who's Him? My damn-sperm-doner, aka my father. No, he wasn't really a sperm-doner. But that might as well be all he is for all the good he does.

For God f***ing sakes.

My Mom bought me a car...sure, it's not a 2005 Chevy or something really nice, but it does it's job, and that's what matters.

She put the down payment on my trailer, and has been making the payments for 5 months now.

And she's buying me a computer as my late graduation present.

And she didn't even get a chance to talk to him about *HIM* helping.

All she did was call and ask, very nicely, if he had any plans to help me in any way with college. And he went off on her. She barely got a single word here in there in edge wise.

All he could do was attack her and attack me, using her as the basis. He takes out all his anger at her on me, and basically makes me out to be *her*.

And yeah, he's irate that I'm with Adam, which mostly has to do with the fact that he was 24 and my mom was 15 when they got together, so he was almost 10 years older, and he's all pissy about it...and yeah, basically he's pissed that I'm with someone who's older, and he wants me to "break the cycle".

My father stopped speaking to me when I told him about Adam. I called him a week or so ago to have a chat, because I missed him and my brother and sister and step mom.

He accused me of "never telling him anything"....considering he doesn't talk to me unless I initiate the conversation, and he's dissapeared from MSN...wtf am I suppose to do!?

And I told him about Adam, and look what happened!

I'm ready to pull my damn hair out....my head hurts and I'm ready to cry my fucking eyes out, which I've kind of already been doing.

Why does he have to be like this? He told mom "I have bills to pay"...well, if he'd given mom a chance to talk, he'd know that I wasn't going to ask for anything drastic. Christ.

And his bills obviously aren't THAT bad if he could get a brand new pool. Yes. Brand new pool. And apparently, "It's huge", or at least, that's what my little sister, who'll be 8 in August, told me. And for some strange reason, I believe her. I'm pretty sure it's one of those above-ground ones that costs several-thousand dollars, 'cause Brenna said it was totally different from the old one they had, which was one of those blow-up ones.

I don't know, all I know is I'm ready to just...god..*sigh*

I mean, I don't care about the damn pool. It's not that much to ask for him to help me a little bit with school. And you know, it's not like I was asking him to drop thousands of dollars for my tuition. Hell, he didn't even let mom get out what she was going to say!

She was simply going to ask that he put it in writing that he'd send me $350 a month (almost 100 less than what he's paying now in child support, but of course, that's government regulated), and of course do so. That way I could pay for Gas to/from school, car insurance, etc.

I mean hell, in Pennsylvania, it's mandatory that parents pay Child Support until their kids are out of college. Mom was only going to ask him to do this until I finished my Bachelors (4 years), even though I'll probably be trying to go to school for 6 years.

But...hey, God forbid Mom even get anything she was going to say out! Heeelll no...god forbid! He wouldn't shut up! All he could do was hollar at her and attack her and me!!

*SIGH* And considering he owes her *thinks* almost 7 years worth of back child-support from when I was younger, you'd think he'd be a little nicer.

*pulls hair out and sobs*

God I really don't like him right now. I can not believe he would be like this. I mean, I can understand, yeah, he has bills to pay, but they're obviously not struggling if they can get a brand new pool. And those kids never go without a summer vacation, so I'm betting they've got money stashed for that. Not that that matters. My point is, he'd be paying less than he is now, and he could be helping me with school. Hell, even if if it was 50 bucks a month it'd be appreciated.

I could understand if he said you know..."Hey, well, we were planning on having more once Amanda turns 18, so we won't have that much to spare, but I'll try and help how I can"...or just you know...grr.

Why did he have to just suddenly attack mom and me when she asked, very nicely, if he had any intentions to help me out with school.

I mean, Mom was seriously being nice, and he went off like a rocket.

*sigh* I'm just ready to scream right now, and I'm just so pissed and just *sigh*

I think I'm going to go back to bed. I'll talk to you all later.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 12:12 PM+

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+Wednesday, May 04, 2005+

Updates:

Well, I'm alive..and I got up my gutts, and Mom saw that last post...and cried...and wasn't mad, and just yeah. Damnit. Lol.

I hate it when I get sentimental like that, but *shrugs* It needed to be said *silly grin*

Anyways...not much is up..

I added Synergy to my StarJar
I joined the "I Kiss Girls" Webring
Added a few things to the side bar

Other than that, not much is up. Me and Mom are getting along rather well, but that's about it.

I'll talk to you guys later...I'm sleepy...gotta go get Adam.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 3:52 PM+

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+Tuesday, May 03, 2005+

With every last breath.

A few days ago I discovered "Webands"---- a site dedicated to making Web-versions of the wonderful Rubber-Bracelets that are worn to help support a wide variety of causes, from AIDS, to Women's Rights, to Breast Cancer, to Gay Rights, to Cancer Support....to...everything. The bracelets have been worn for some time now in real life as reminders of the people who are fighting sickness, opression, hunger, hatred, etc. around the world. I have been trying to find these bracelets in real life to wear them with pride and give my support. Unfortunately, I have to buy mine offline, and no credit-card makes that hard to do, BUT...

Webands is completely free, and those of you who've read my blog have seen my rotating bracelets on each corner of my page. I originally was using the rotation, as I support all of the causes on the site, but....I am changeing that.

I do support every cause on the site (even abstinence, as I believe all women should wait---until they're with someone they love. In my opinion, marriage does not mean what it use to, and if you truly love someone, giving them yourself is not wrong. I just hope girls and boys alike will wait until there comes a time when losing their virginity will not be a loss, it will be a gift for them and the person they're with). BUT...

I made a suggestion to the beautiful Sydney, who has so generously started this program, that she make a web version of the "Count Me Pink" bracelet and the "Until There's a Cure" bracelet. She was kind enough to do so, and I'm honestly tickled pink (no pun intended). I am going to put those two on my site for the time being, as they are very close to my heart and I would like to show my gratitude to Sydney.

Sydney, and the others like her in the world, inspire me. I literally cried when I saw the CMP & UTAC bracelets. Because it reminded me of the reason I am alive.

People say "live for yourself" and "live your life, don't worry about the rest of the world". But, I live in this world, and there are many others who shall come after me. And I can not stand iddly by during my life.....and not work to better things for those who will come after me. And in honor of those who've come before me.

My life shall be spent doing the thing I believe most that I should be doing: Fighting...not for just myself, but for the world itself. I can not save the world, at least, not by myself. I can inspire others, I can fight along side others, and yes, we shall make the world a better place. I know I can not do it alone, but I can do it, just as every other person can.

And it reminds me that I owe this feeling inside my heart, this feeling that I can do most anything, this feeling of passion and love for the rest of the world, to my Mother.

My Mother taught me that fighting is the way to surive. You do not have to fight with knives, guns, or fists. You can fight with your heart, mind, and soul.

My Mother has survived sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse from step fathers, abuse from husbands(physically and mentally), the miscarriage of her first child, an inoperable brain tumor that miraculously dissapeared (no, I'm not lieing. She's in medical books because of that one), and much, much more. My Mother has considered giving up a few times....but she has not. She is without a doubt, one of my biggest inspirations.

She has fought her whole life, simply for the right to survive in peace. But, even when she had to fight to live, she fought for others. She fought for what she believed in, wether it was right, or wrong. And while with time, she has realized that sometimes she fought on the wrong side (like when she was very Homophobic), she's turned and fought back, this time for the right team.

My Mom probably wouldn't want me to tell you all she's survived. She's not one who talks about the pains of her past and brags about living through them. But the fact is, she did live through them. My Mummy left home at 14 and moved to South Carolina from Pennsylvania. She worked her ass off to keep herself alive and dealt with many, many drama's from the people surrounding her. She was married to my father at 16 years old. Before she was the same age I am now (17), she had already miscarried her first child, and was several months pregnant with me. I can't even imagine her horror. I am, for all intents and purposes, compared to her, a naive little child.

My Mother grew up a long time ago, and is yet, at heart, still a child. And I owe my life, my happiness, and the very being of who I am to her.

And while there are moments I hate my Mother, I love her more than I could ever hate her. Ever. She is the greatest woman I have ever known, and yet I've never opened my mouth to tell her this. Not in as long as I can remember.

When I was 5, I told my Mom she was my best friend, and she told me that while I was one of her best friends, I was not her very best, which is understandable. At the time, I was hurt. Just as I was hurt when I made her a picture of a blue-berry tree (yes, I know, blueberries do not grow on trees, I was 5, remember?), and told her I'd made it because blue was her favorite color. She informed me that blue was her 2nd favorite color...purple was her favorite. I was heart broken. Blue was my favorite color.

But...I look back now and realize....I was not her best friend because, while my mother told me many things about herself as a child, there are things she could not bear to expose me to so young. She has waited to share many of those horrors until I was of the same age she was when she experienced them. And I can not, in any way, imagine the pain she went through at my age. I could never be so brave.

Listening to her stories makes my heart break.....but I know she tells me because she wants me to learn from her past. She does not want me to ever have to bear those pains. Some of them, she could not save me from, and yet, she has saved me from many with her sharing of her knowledge.

I use to whine to her that I was upset with her for telling me too much, too young. This was a lie. I do not blame her for telling me young, as that has saved me in many ways. I blamed her because when I was 5, she told me about sex, and I was curious about it. And my curiosity lead me to being molested by several different persons as a child. It lead to certain scars I have yet to heal. I blamed myself for my curiosity, and I still do. And I took that blame in myself out on my mother because I didn't know what else to do. I loathed myself for being so stupid, even if I was young. So I took my secret pain out on her and blamed her for telling me too much too young.

But she taught me young to save me. And she has. If I could change things about myself and my life, there isn't a whole lot I would change. I love myself for the woman has raised me to be, and I love my mother for letting me be her side-kick in helping her grow. I love her for being her.

My Mom is still one of my best friends in the world, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs layout, my favorite color is purple.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for telling me "too much when I was too young". Thanks for teaching me to fight with my heart. Thanks for teaching me to love everybody, regardless of their wrongs. Thank you for teaching me forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for teaching me strength. Thank you for teaching me the value of books and knowledge. Thank you for loving me, regardless of wether or not you agree with me. Thank you for learning that all gays aren't bad, we're rather nice. Thank you for volunteering to sacrifice yourself to the emotions of thousands of people, just to show your love and support for me at PrideFest. Thank you for fighting for me all my life, even before I ever came out of the womb. Thank you for giving me this life, and for helping guide me to make the best of it. Thank you for being you.

I love you more than you'll ever know, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize just how absolutely amazing you are. You are the most wonderful woman I've ever known, and I pray to God, as much as I may not like him, that he does not take you from me for a very, very long time.

I'm fighting for the world and those who shall live in it for generations to come, yes, but Mom, I also fight for you. You've done your fighting. You're ready to do what you can from home and live the best you can. But I hope you know, that while you may not be out protesting or marching, you made me. You gave me the will to do so. You gave me a piece of you. Mom, I fight for you. So that someday, people won't have to go through what you've went through. I hope that someday, when my time is up, and I go to meet you wherever we go, you can hug me wherever we are, and you'll be proud of me. With all my heart, I want to die knowing I made myself and you proud of me. And knowing that you and I, together, at least did a bit of good for this world.

And though I may never have the courage to show you this, I hope you see it in my eyes every day for the rest of our lives.

Love always,
Manda-Panda.

posted by Manda @ 2:06 AM+

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+Sunday, May 01, 2005+

*sigh* Quilting Bee turned me down *weak smile*

Well....got the email today....was kind of sick to my stomache before I opened it, and obviously had a reason to be.

I worked for *days* on my blog trying to get it perfect before I submitted my page to the QBee. I worked for two days on my Quilt alone! *sighs and pulls hair out*

I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, yeah, my page is a Blog, but they said blogs are fine as long as they're updated regularly. Well...it's kind of obvious that I do that.

I coded my own layout, I made my own graphics, I made my quilt, I had the link to it up on the main page...

What did I do wrong? O.O

I mean, they said "Your page is not ready to join the Quilting Bee". What the heck does that mean? What did I do wrong? Tell me so I can fix it! *sighs and pulls hair out* I guess it's time to go back and re-read the rules or something, I don't know.

*sighs and bites lip* Oh well, can't let this get me down. I have to do my thing and get on with it. Life is good. Cheer up, Manda.

Anyways...the Beebo Brinker Chronicles are fantastic, even if I did find out that one of them isn't in the book (go figure), so I have a book to buy so I can get the full details.

I'm definately addicted to them. And here, they say that "old books" are all boring. Well the Beebo Books were originally published from 1957 to 1962, so obviously, Ann Bannon was doing something right *laugh*

Anyways, in other news, I'm starting to get a bit more at ease with that whole "being me" thing and starting to get onto terms with myself a bit more. Hopefully I can continue that.

Anyways, not much else is up...I'm going to go make sunset/sunup Emoticons and try to figure out why I got turned down.

Ttyl.
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 5:40 PM+

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