A few days ago I discovered "Webands"---- a site dedicated to making Web-versions of the wonderful Rubber-Bracelets that are worn to help support a wide variety of causes, from AIDS, to Women's Rights, to Breast Cancer, to Gay Rights, to Cancer Support....to...everything. The bracelets have been worn for some time now in real life as reminders of the people who are fighting sickness, opression, hunger, hatred, etc. around the world. I have been trying to find these bracelets in real life to wear them with pride and give my support. Unfortunately, I have to buy mine offline, and no credit-card makes that hard to do, BUT...

Webands is completely free, and those of you who've read my blog have seen my rotating bracelets on each corner of my page. I originally was using the rotation, as I support all of the causes on the site, but....I am changeing that.

I do support every cause on the site (even abstinence, as I believe all women should wait---until they're with someone they love. In my opinion, marriage does not mean what it use to, and if you truly love someone, giving them yourself is not wrong. I just hope girls and boys alike will wait until there comes a time when losing their virginity will not be a loss, it will be a gift for them and the person they're with). BUT...

I made a suggestion to the beautiful Sydney, who has so generously started this program, that she make a web version of the "Count Me Pink" bracelet and the "Until There's a Cure" bracelet. She was kind enough to do so, and I'm honestly tickled pink (no pun intended). I am going to put those two on my site for the time being, as they are very close to my heart and I would like to show my gratitude to Sydney.

Sydney, and the others like her in the world, inspire me. I literally cried when I saw the CMP & UTAC bracelets. Because it reminded me of the reason I am alive.

People say "live for yourself" and "live your life, don't worry about the rest of the world". But, I live in this world, and there are many others who shall come after me. And I can not stand iddly by during my life.....and not work to better things for those who will come after me. And in honor of those who've come before me.

My life shall be spent doing the thing I believe most that I should be doing: Fighting...not for just myself, but for the world itself. I can not save the world, at least, not by myself. I can inspire others, I can fight along side others, and yes, we shall make the world a better place. I know I can not do it alone, but I can do it, just as every other person can.

And it reminds me that I owe this feeling inside my heart, this feeling that I can do most anything, this feeling of passion and love for the rest of the world, to my Mother.

My Mother taught me that fighting is the way to surive. You do not have to fight with knives, guns, or fists. You can fight with your heart, mind, and soul.

My Mother has survived sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse from step fathers, abuse from husbands(physically and mentally), the miscarriage of her first child, an inoperable brain tumor that miraculously dissapeared (no, I'm not lieing. She's in medical books because of that one), and much, much more. My Mother has considered giving up a few times....but she has not. She is without a doubt, one of my biggest inspirations.

She has fought her whole life, simply for the right to survive in peace. But, even when she had to fight to live, she fought for others. She fought for what she believed in, wether it was right, or wrong. And while with time, she has realized that sometimes she fought on the wrong side (like when she was very Homophobic), she's turned and fought back, this time for the right team.

My Mom probably wouldn't want me to tell you all she's survived. She's not one who talks about the pains of her past and brags about living through them. But the fact is, she did live through them. My Mummy left home at 14 and moved to South Carolina from Pennsylvania. She worked her ass off to keep herself alive and dealt with many, many drama's from the people surrounding her. She was married to my father at 16 years old. Before she was the same age I am now (17), she had already miscarried her first child, and was several months pregnant with me. I can't even imagine her horror. I am, for all intents and purposes, compared to her, a naive little child.

My Mother grew up a long time ago, and is yet, at heart, still a child. And I owe my life, my happiness, and the very being of who I am to her.

And while there are moments I hate my Mother, I love her more than I could ever hate her. Ever. She is the greatest woman I have ever known, and yet I've never opened my mouth to tell her this. Not in as long as I can remember.

When I was 5, I told my Mom she was my best friend, and she told me that while I was one of her best friends, I was not her very best, which is understandable. At the time, I was hurt. Just as I was hurt when I made her a picture of a blue-berry tree (yes, I know, blueberries do not grow on trees, I was 5, remember?), and told her I'd made it because blue was her favorite color. She informed me that blue was her 2nd favorite color...purple was her favorite. I was heart broken. Blue was my favorite color.

But...I look back now and realize....I was not her best friend because, while my mother told me many things about herself as a child, there are things she could not bear to expose me to so young. She has waited to share many of those horrors until I was of the same age she was when she experienced them. And I can not, in any way, imagine the pain she went through at my age. I could never be so brave.

Listening to her stories makes my heart break.....but I know she tells me because she wants me to learn from her past. She does not want me to ever have to bear those pains. Some of them, she could not save me from, and yet, she has saved me from many with her sharing of her knowledge.

I use to whine to her that I was upset with her for telling me too much, too young. This was a lie. I do not blame her for telling me young, as that has saved me in many ways. I blamed her because when I was 5, she told me about sex, and I was curious about it. And my curiosity lead me to being molested by several different persons as a child. It lead to certain scars I have yet to heal. I blamed myself for my curiosity, and I still do. And I took that blame in myself out on my mother because I didn't know what else to do. I loathed myself for being so stupid, even if I was young. So I took my secret pain out on her and blamed her for telling me too much too young.

But she taught me young to save me. And she has. If I could change things about myself and my life, there isn't a whole lot I would change. I love myself for the woman has raised me to be, and I love my mother for letting me be her side-kick in helping her grow. I love her for being her.

My Mom is still one of my best friends in the world, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs layout, my favorite color is purple.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for telling me "too much when I was too young". Thanks for teaching me to fight with my heart. Thanks for teaching me to love everybody, regardless of their wrongs. Thank you for teaching me forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for teaching me strength. Thank you for teaching me the value of books and knowledge. Thank you for loving me, regardless of wether or not you agree with me. Thank you for learning that all gays aren't bad, we're rather nice. Thank you for volunteering to sacrifice yourself to the emotions of thousands of people, just to show your love and support for me at PrideFest. Thank you for fighting for me all my life, even before I ever came out of the womb. Thank you for giving me this life, and for helping guide me to make the best of it. Thank you for being you.

I love you more than you'll ever know, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize just how absolutely amazing you are. You are the most wonderful woman I've ever known, and I pray to God, as much as I may not like him, that he does not take you from me for a very, very long time.

I'm fighting for the world and those who shall live in it for generations to come, yes, but Mom, I also fight for you. You've done your fighting. You're ready to do what you can from home and live the best you can. But I hope you know, that while you may not be out protesting or marching, you made me. You gave me the will to do so. You gave me a piece of you. Mom, I fight for you. So that someday, people won't have to go through what you've went through. I hope that someday, when my time is up, and I go to meet you wherever we go, you can hug me wherever we are, and you'll be proud of me. With all my heart, I want to die knowing I made myself and you proud of me. And knowing that you and I, together, at least did a bit of good for this world.

And though I may never have the courage to show you this, I hope you see it in my eyes every day for the rest of our lives.

Love always,
Manda-Panda.

posted by Manda @ 2:06 AM+

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