Well, today was rather uneventful. I finished Teen Witch by Silver Ravenwolf, and started on The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the Solitary Witch by her. I started taking classes at www.witchschool.com yesterday, and, since I breezed through the Intro to Correllian Wicca First Degree yesterday and started Lesson 1, I worked on that lesson some more today (^-^) It's like real college courses, but on Wicca. It's fantastic! Yayes! Lol.

I talked to Alex a bit today, which was cool. We went grocery shopping and got quite a bit of good stuffs. Fettecinni Alfredo especially *licks lips* hehe. Lots of frozen food, as always.

I learned quite a bit from Teen Witch, and was really glad I read it before getting into "Solitary Witch". S-W is 575 pages long, is a huge reference to Wicca, and well, let's just say Teen Witch is a better beginners guide, lol.

I found out that the TeenHelp.org Support Groups are back online and signed up for them and started doing my thing there. Yaye. I'm still at HelpingTeens though, of course.

We're getting our sleep schedule fixxed or, at least, I am. I managed to stay up 2 hours later than Adam, and it's almost 6, so I'm doing good, hehe.

I called mom today and we talked for a bit. Things are good back there.

Just figured I'd update my progress through the Craft. I'm learning more and more each day, and Witchschool is proving to be a fantastic resource. All newbies to Wicca: Go there! The basic courses are free and will teach you so much!! And the upgraded membership to acess the "higher" courses, is only 19.99 a YEAR!! That's an AWESOME deal for what you get, trust me.

Anyways (^-^) I'm going to go sleepies. G'night all. *HUGS*

~Manda

It's scaring me...I'm learning to focus on the good rather than the bad...(^0^) One of the many aspects of Wicca I agree with. I'm learning how to live the Path already. Woohoo.


posted by Manda @ 7:33 PM+

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+Thursday, July 29, 2004+

self evident

self evident

Ani DiFranco is an amazing woman. Just WOW. I have heard so much about her and have been dieing to hear her music, but haven't had the money to get her CD's. So I've been looking up lyrics and finding sites here and there that she gives permission to post a few of her songs for download. Damn. I need money. I wanna buy her CD's. She's fantastic!

After thinking, pondering, and stressing, I've realized I can't keep doing this to myself. I need to stop turning myself in knotts because I get confused. That's the way life works and I have to accept it. I know what I think. I know what I feel (when I can feel). Stress is what's been keeping me from being alright. And I've finally figured out I just need to chill the hell out. Just lay back, and let it wash over me. I have to live my life to understand who I am. And that's what I plan to do. Maybe I just needed to realize that I don't have to be this mess. Maybe I needed to realize there's more than the stress and the confusion?

I dunno. What I do know though, is I have a very cute desktop of the Korok's from The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker, and have 3 Ani songs to listen to (fuckin aye, man!)...and things aren't so so bad right now. It'll be alright, it always is. That's the way life works. Yeah, it always seems like things are going to shit, but things always work out. Some how or another. Right now, we have to give Adam's mom 100 dollars because she's paying for Adam's credit card debt shit. We're paying her back, of course. But damn, it is a pain, lol. Adam *has* to get a job so we can move back. That's all there is to it. Which, you know, that's not so much a bad thing, it'll help. Alot.

And maybe, gasp, just maybe, we'll be able to move, pay his mom for this credit card shit, (she's making payments, we just have to make sure to have the money to her before the 23rd of each month), and still be able to you know, order a pizza now and then.

Anyways...I finished Hard Love last night. Reread a bit of it today. It's uber. I started Perks of Being A Wallflower today. It looks good so far.

Sad. But good.

I need to start studying my Wicca books more /nods nods. Anyways. *yawns* Yeah, Adam's going job hunting today, fun fun. I'll probably go. I dunno. I need to use that fricking aromatherapy kit. What's the point in having it if I don't use it.

In other news, my arm is killing me. I don't know what I did, but it feels like every time I bend it or extend it, like my elbows being torn to shreds and there's knives cutting up through my arms and into my body. It sucks.

But yeah, that's about it. *yawns* I've been making more of my cutesy witches. I am obsessed with that base. I've never made so many dolls on the same freaking base before. It's sick. Truly.

Getting in the shower. Later folksies.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 10:21 AM+

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+Wednesday, July 28, 2004+

I've lost it. I've finally freaking tripped the damn trigger.

Sitting here reading "Hard Love" (a book I've wanted to read for years now....a classmate/sort of friend had taken it from the school library and told me to read the first chapter since it has a lesbian in it and it was right after I'd come out..but I only got to read the first chapter, I bought it the other day, along with A Seperate Peace, my all time favorite book, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, a book almost all of my friends have been telling me to read for like, ever now)...and thinking Jesus H. This is me.

My life has become some meaningless fucking void and I've lost myself in it. Half of what I say, I feel like it's half lies. I get so damn sick of telling my friends that it's going to be okay, when how in the hell do I know it's going to be okay? Do I really believe it, sickeningly enough, yes, I BELIEVE IT. And then, of course, you've got them going "aww" when I have said my day has been shit or when I'm in a bad mood and they wall want to make it better. They don't fucking get it, they can't.

And God Fucking Help Me, I miss Manda, Robbie, Shade, and Jamie so fucking much it's making me sick. They were the ones who understood this is all one big fake fucking lie. Even if Jamie was fake, he fucking knew. He got it. He got that this was not some perfect fucking world.

I'm studying Witchcraft and Wicca, and for almost three years, I've been a professed Christian. But it's never been me. I believe in Jesus, but I'm just not right with that shit. What kind of fucking caring God had followers who go around slaying people in his name? Sure as fuck isn't the God I know.

And I'm attuned to nature. I'm attuned to the supernatural. It's who and what I am. It always has been. I'm a fucking psycho, always have been. And what the fuck am I thinking pouring it out like this? Just dumping my life out like this.

I don't know anymore. I just want to run, to scream. Not to think. I don't want to talk to Adam, I don't want to touch him anymore. I don't want him to know me. I don't want him to see this, because he was raised like fucking Beaver. He doesn't understand what it's like to be a lie your whole life. He doesn't understand what it's like growing up with your mom expecting you to be a fucking super brain, and God forbid, you are. Which makes it even worse. And now she's a fucking PFLAG mom after being a fucking homophobe her whole life. And now she's lost her damned mind. Wait, scratch that, she lost it years ago.

I just don't fucking get it. I don't get how I can be with someone who lets video games snap his fucking personality like a twig and make him irate. I don't know how I can be with someone who just "wants to make it all better" for me. Life can't have a magic wand waved to make it better. It's a fucking roller coaster. It's a lesson. And lesson's are hard. And Jesus...I don't know what to do. I want to puke. I want to scream. I haven't written like this in forever. I haven't sat down and poured out my soul in years. I don't even know what this is about. I don't even know who I am anymore. *pause* Must check IRC.

Back. Adam wanted to know how to get rid of the politics at TH/HT. Not much he can do, to be honest. Except ignore the shit at TeenHelp and start over his way at HelpingTeens. Good luck, man.

Back to me. I'm bi. I'm freaking bi. I like chicks. Or do I? Is it all some game? I've never felt it is. I've never felt that it's wrong. I like boobies, lol. I don't know though, I just don't know. I don't know if I should run, if I should hide. If I should just stop. If I should just commit suicide and end it. Because what point do I serve really? I'm hopeless. I'm a High School Drop Out, who, woo, scored high on the GED so she got a full scholarship to the community college, big whoop.

I don't even know who the fuck I am. Except a failure. That's all I know. I failed Dylan, and he loved me the way I'd always wanted to be loved. And I failed that. And here I am with Adam, and we talk once in awhile. Like, for about an hour a day. And we spend ALL FUCKING DAY IN THE SAME GOD DAMN ROOM! We read things to eachother that our friends or what not say online, or things from video games.

We don't talk. It's like sometimes I feel like the me he's with isn't me at all. He knows my nerd side. He doesn't know me.

We don't talk. We just don't fucking talk. I mean, we do, but God, we spend most of the time in opposite sides of the room. Me at the computer living my net life, him at the PS2, or his fancy shmancy new (used) GameCube (Yeah, I bought it for him). Video games. They make him happy. I want to make him happy. I don't want him to think I'm some selfish cold hearted bitch. I'm anything but, anyone who knows me knows that. But I want him to see I love. I want to be loved like Dylan loved me. I want that love again. I don't want to be in the same room and only talk one hour total out of a 15 hour day. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with ME? What is wrong with Dylan? What is wrong with Adam?

I don't get it. I don't fucking understand anymore. *Pause* must check IRC, again.

No news from the darling admin of HT. I admit it, the TH/HT garble gets to me. But then again, I'm me, how could it not. Hrm, Adam's mom is doing the dishes. Yaye for dishwashers.

Like I said, Beaver. He's 27 and lives with mom.

I can't say much. I'm living with her too. Doesn't mean I like it. I hate it. I feel so god damn guilty. A million thoughts race through my head each day. Most of them I don't even understand before they're gone.

I don't even understand myself. I don't understand any of it. Who the fuck am I?

Am I bi? Am I Wiccan? Am I Christian? Am I Amanda Lee **********, mommy's little brainiac, or am I just Amanda Lee Blaine? Cynical, sarcastic, witty, smart, caring. Loved by many for her intellectual nature, great writing, great poetry, great advice. WHAT AM I? WHO AM I? I DON'T KNOW.

God help me. I need to know. I need to know what this is. Who am I. What am I. I wrote this the other day...and oh God, it fucks with me..

"I've spent my whole life, trying to measure up to the worlds expectations of me. Trying to be confident and worrying, as I'm telling people, that I don't care about what my body looks like or that I'm happy the way I am, that they won't believe me. And that they will think me immature because of it. That they will think less of me. I've been trying to be good enough for everyone else. And as I sit here, feeling music touching my very soul, and creating the art that I love, one of the few things that is truly my own, I wonder why I've never asked myself...was I living up to MY expectations of me? Am I good enough for me? The answer is no. And I realize now, that I've wasted almost 17 years trying to impress others, and in the process, alienating myself from my soul."

I don't even know what or who I am anymore. I just don't. All I feel anymore is numbness. No love. No sadness. I had a brief touch of sadness last night when Dylan and I were talking about the old us...because he found the letters I'd written him behind the fridge...all this time he thought he hadn't gotten them, but he dropped his shirt back there today, pulled it out to get it, and found the letters. God help me. They're a year and 4 months old. From 2 months before we were suppose to see eachother.

We were suppose to see eachother about a week after he left me. God help me. It still stings.

And I have what, acquantances? I barely know myself. How can any of them know me? They want to make me miss Mary Fucking Sunshine. But I'm not. They want to make my life great, it's not. I'm dark, I'm deep, I'm deppressing. I'm a fucking cutter, for Christ sakes, whatever the hell that means. Yeah, I cut myself. I don't even know why I do it sometimes. It only hurts me more later, but at the time it's fucking great. I love it. I love tasteing the blood. I love feeling the pain. It's...wonderful. It gets me out of this fucking void.

And here I am, bitching about not knowing myself, when there are kids starving, being abused, what the fuck ever. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for being like this when they are suffering so. But what the hell, why can't I be this way? Is it hurting anyone. Nope. Not in the least.

The only person hurting right now is me. Because I can't fucking feel. Because I have, God Help Me, turned into the Lithium girl. I can't fucking feel. I don't feel a God Damned thing anymore, hardly. I don't know what to do. I am losing my mind.

*pause* IRC. Apparently, Helen's changed. Yaye. Don't care, still don't like her.

Usually I'm one for people redeeming themselves. Not sure what to think about her.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love Adam. I do. Somewhere, I know I do. I wouldn't spend money on him like it's nothing if I didn't. I wouldn't buy him PS2 Games, Game Cubes, Pizza, etc. if I didn't. I have never had money to really spend before, especially not alot of it to buy what I want. But, I'm willing to share with someone, that says something.

I know, money doesn't buy love. I know that. Better than anyone, trust me. My mommy seems to think because I was "spoiled" with lots of toys I had the perfect fucking child hood. Give me a God Damn Break, I didn't have a father until I was 16 for Christ sakes. I started talking to him when I was 11, but he wasn't really what I would consider a father until last summer. That's when I really started feeling something was working between us. He became more than a sperm doner.

Yaye. *sigh* But Christ....I don't know. I can't imagine living without Adam, I can't. I mean...I couldn't live without Dylan, or could I? *creepy music plays* I don't know...I like knowing I can still talk to him and such...but it seems like, for the past few months, I've pushed him so far out the door, I don't think he knows me anymore. Hell no one does. I've pushed everyone away from me. So afraid to be hurt. So afraid more will leave. Is that the reason why? I think it is. I'm not sure.

Why don't I feel Adam loves me like Dylan did? Adam waits on me hand and foot, he does whatever I ask normally. Is it because he doesn't have a pet name for me? Because he doesn't want to fuck me like a rabbit constantly? Because he doesn't whisper sweet nothings into my hear? I mean, sweet nothings...they're sweet, and they mean nothing, why should they matter? I'm not sure. They just do. I need to feel that sweet, mushy, garble, or do I? I don't know. I traded in a control freak who, God help him, was romantic, and I loved, for a "Good Guy", who isn't romantic, but treats me like a Princess, and lets me do as I wish.

Do I need controlled? Do I need told how to feel? Nah, that tore me apart. What do I need then? Do I even KNOW? Nope. Not a damn clue.

*IRC* Again.

Back. Good, Adam doesn't trust Helen either. Bleh.

Do I even trust anyone? It seems like after Dylan, I stopped trusting, stopped caring. I lost everything. I've said that so many times. But right now, I'm wondering, is that really the truth? Did I really lose everything? Is that why I am the way I am? I think so, God Help Me, I think so.

I think that's why I feel I have no future, no matter how much I pretend I'm going to college or have something waiting for me.

God Help Me, I can't even see me alone, walking into that abandoned house anymore. I don't see anything. I don't see shit. It's like it's all fucking gone. Like not a damn bit of it matters anymore. I've become my fucking mother. Nothing. Poor. Miserable. Fucking guy to guy, and when I can't get a man, yaye for vibrators.

Jesus H, what has happened to me. WHO AM I?

I don't know what to think. I don't even know who I am. I'm sitting here with glasses cleaner, glasses cloth, Pride Jewelry, and Pride stuff, an aromatherapy kit, a nifty organizer, my new books, my wristbands and bumper stickers, and what does any of it mean? More stuff to make me who I'm not? Or is this me? Will I ever know? I wish to God I did. I wish I understood who I am. I want to know so badly and I don't know how to figure it out. I don't know what to do. I need help, so badly. Go figure, I've spent most of the last week and a half in a fucking Teen Help site, and I need help, and don't ask for it.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why am I so afraid to let people see that, God Forbid, little miss put together, I'm such a good helper, needs help?

I didn't use to be this way. I mean, I've always helped more than I've been helped, but I use to be able to ask for help....now I don't want to.

I'm ready to puke. And I'm not sure if it's because I'm sick or because I'm disgusted with myself. Probably both.

*IRC*

Nothing. Back to moi. I don't know what to think. How can I? How can anyone? I don't know. I just don't know. I can't believe I saw a Glass Frog at one of those wierd shops with no name in the mall, that was like waist high, and wanted it. And I'm an idiot for thinking it wouldn't cost an arm and a leg.

500 and some dollars. I'll never have it. It was cute. It'd have been a nice conversation piece. I want my own room. One that's completely mine, and I can design it however I see fit. I can go nuts with it.

But, that's right, I don't get my own room. I'm dating someone. Sleeping with him, literally, and, of course, sexually. No own room for me. Have to suffer with Dragon Ball Z (I like the show, don't get me wrong) posters and shit. I like the show, I just, no. I don't want fucking Goku or Trunks in MY room. It's MINE. I can probably have my own room. A library/art/reading/music room thing of my own. Yeah, that'll work. Oh, yeah, when we have our own house. *Sigh* Mom's getting us a trailer, yippy fucking skippy. Back to the boonies. NO GOD DAMN CULTURE. No more PRIDE fests, no more Gay events, no more having a right to my own opinion. *sigh* No AIDS walk, because I didn't think I'd be here for it and didn't get sponsors. It's not too late, but I've lost my ambition.

I've lost me.

I see all this shit that says live while you can. I want to live, God I want to live. But how do I live? Disobeying mommy's orders, and cashing that money order she sent me and buying a Game Cube for my boyfriend, and an aromatherapy kit I've wanted for months, a book I've wanted for weeks, and three other books I've wanted, each for 2+ years. One of which is my favorite book ever, the other two which are, psycho adolescent books for intellectuals like me.

Fuckin aye, man.

IRC. Nothing.

I don't know. Was it a good idea to blow off mommy dearest and get that shit? In my mind, yeah, I needed this.

Was it the right thing to do? Yeah, I feel like it was. I wanna go see Ani Difranco in concert, too. Would cost too much though. Wouldn't it? I'd have to spend more of the moving money because, yeah, of course, it's all we've got. And we need every penny so we can take our shit and the cat. I don't want to lose Gohan. I really like that cat. Sick, I think the cat understands me more than the man. Go figure.

But we need that. Unless Adam gets a job miraculously (yeah right) and can pitch in. Then maybe I could spend the twenty or so bucks to go see Ani. Hold that thought. I want to see how much it would cost. I want to see at least one concert before we leave. I NEED CULTURE to survive on before I hit bumfuck Egypt again.

*pause*

Jesus. I asked Adam to bring me my backpack so I could get the flyer from PRIDE for the Ani concert. He kissed me, I barely kissed him back and he said he was sorry I was upset and all that normal shit. And said I wasn't happy, and I was like "Since when I have been REALLY happy the whole time you've known me?" and he said "You haven't, but at least you seemed alright?" I said "Who said I wasn't alright?" and he said "maybe you are, but you just don't seem like your normal self". What is my normal self? Hrmm? Would he know my normal self? Is the normal me outspoken, political? A Gay Rights activist? A caring empath? what is the normal me? I sure as shit don't know. How can he?

(Ticket info is loading).

Ouch. Fuck. 61 bucks for us to go. Fuck. That sucks. Alanis is performing up here soon, too. Right before Ani, like 2 days before. This sucks. So much for that idea. *sigh*

I'm screwed. I can't do anything normal people do. I'm not normal though. God this sucks.

*sigh* I want to do something special before we go. I guess PRIDE was it, eh? Yeah. It was.

Not a bad thing. It rocked. Don't get me wrong. Just. SIGH.

Oh well. I have eyeglass cleaner, heehee. Uggh.

Alright, I'm starting to get a headache, and my wrist has not stopped hurting. I need to stop this before I make myself hate myself. That wouldn't be healthy.

Fuckin aye. I need help. I need to know what I'm suppose to do.

~Mandy

posted by Manda @ 11:30 AM+

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+Monday, July 26, 2004+

*yawns*

*yawns* Well, here I am. Tired as hell. Listening to Adam play Prince of Persia, staring at my books, thinking I need to read more, giggling at the fact that the baby "Collectors Library" books from B&N are small enough that they fit in my purse. Dracula. In my small purse I bought right before PRIDEfest. I no longer have to carry around the giant purse of doom! which is more tote bag than purse, lol. (^_^) I took back the Power Deck and Van Gogh today, got money back for them. Got A book on writing your own magic, and a journal to use as my BoS. Yaye.

We had 10 bucks left over, plus 4 bucks from the other day, so I got us pizza as well. Yaye.  We hadn't really slept last night, we just stayed up all night so we'd be up to go to B&N for books and such. We came home, went to sleep at about 3 pm. I got up at 9pm. Adam got up at 11.

Alex and Justin are really hitting it off. I introduced them the other day, and that's going wonderfully. So you all know, Justin is my cousins best friend and a good friend of mine, who lives back home in Arkansas, and is staying with my mom right now. Alex is one of my best friends that I met two years ago online, and didn't really get to know till recently. We're like sis and brother now. When Adam and I move back to AR, and get our trailer, Alex is moving in with us :) Yaye.

So yes, those two are doing wonderfully. Yaye.

Adam changed in some of his games at EB Games to put towards a Game Cube. We thought he'd get maybe 10 bucks. Instead he got 30. Woot. So a cube is close at hand, lol. He's happy with Prince of Persia, though he almost has it beat. He wants a cube, so I'm trying. *weak smile*

My books are awesome, as is the journal I got to serve as my BoS. It's very nice.

Anyways, going to just chat some more and doll a bit. *hugs*

Toodles,
~Manda

posted by Manda @ 2:30 AM+

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+Saturday, July 24, 2004+

Soo...

So, today started off relatively well. I got a few of the books I wanted to at Barnes and Noble and some I hadn't thought about but saw and wanted anyways. I also got 3 wrist bands and 2 bumper stickers at Hot Topic. Got Adam a game and got pizza too. Got the internet paid for as well. Which is all fine and wonderfully dandy.

But then I get online and I'm banned from HelpingTeens IRC channel #teenadvice because I go "......." or "aaaah" now and then. And using the same letter over and over in one line is agains the rules. They literally fucking banned every AOL user over this. Ridiculous.

So I manage to sneak on and see Alex and talk to him. But then I've got assholes fucking with me and calling me a noob, making mocks of my nickname, etc.. Which is rather funny because I've been at that site for over two years, back when it was TeenHelp. Go figure. I use to fucking run that site at one point. And before that I was one of the top mods. *sigh* Morons.

Just so damn annoying. *sigh* Oh well. I should probably babble about me and who I am...so I'll do that in my next post after I spiff this thing up a bit.

Toodles.
~Mandy

posted by Manda @ 2:53 AM+

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