I'm so tired of being here....
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave...
I wish that you would just leave...
'Cause your presence still lingers here...
And it won't leave me alone....
These wounds won't seem to heal..
This pain is just to real..
There's just too much that time can not erase..

posted by Manda @ 8:03 PM+

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+Friday, October 14, 2005+

*Sigh*

*Sigh* So yeah......I don't know if I mentioned about the guy who told me not to talk so much in Sociology, but some guy did weeks ago and it was a real bad scene 'cause I was really hurt and just tired of being told not to talk (got it all through HS and got it from some girl in English, too like, the first week of school).......anyways.....today (I dunno if it was my new meds that gave me the gutts or not), but I asked my Soc professor if there were any problems with my discussions and whatnot, and he said I was absolutely fine and continually encouraged me to talk and discuss in class. He said, honestly, he'd been trying to get my class to discuss more and they hadn't really been doing so. He then said that if anybody messes with me about discussing in class, to "quote me. Tell them you already talked to me and I said you're just fine. Seriously, quote me on that." He was really reassuring, and it was great.

When Mom picked me up (Long story involving Lexi cutting school and not bothering to tell me)......I was in a really good mood. Then we got into a fight because I keep trying to get her to not baby Mikey as much as she does.....*sigh* Oye.....so...then as we're pulling into the driveway she's like yelling "Worry about yourself and you and Adam! You have a trailer to work on, you have school to deal with, etc." and then she's like "And Adam has a job to find!" and I'm like "Um...what?" And she's like "They called today and fired him."

And it's all downhill from there. Humanity fucking sucks. People are fucking scum. I know for a fact that Adam does his work. No one has said anything about him not doing things he's suppose to or anything like this until NOW. The day he's suppose to go into work, they FIRE HIM. What in the BUNNY FUCKING GOOHOO HELL?

*Sigh* And what I love is his boss is supposedly this kindly, devout, true-Christian. Ha. My ass. A true Christian would have told him what he apparently *wasn't* doing....and asked him to improve.

I seriously don't get it. Everything they've told him to do, he does. I know, I go with him all the fucking time, and I know Adam. He gets his work done, then sits down with a book.

I think it's an excuse. They don't like him for some reason, and there's more than just him supposedly not doin ghis work going on here.

posted by Manda @ 5:36 PM+

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+Monday, October 10, 2005+

It gets worse...

So it turns out there weren't 3 guys in the car plus Nicky....

There was another girl...her name is Rebecca....and I was even closer to her than I was to Nicky...

I even have a sweater sitting next to me that she gave me when I was 12/13ish......

*curls up in a corner* mom told me this afternoon while I was working on my essay n stuffs.

One was terrible enough, but two?

And apparenty today was Nicky's funeral and I didn't know until it was over. Apparently there's no many for a funeral or buriel or anything. All they did was put a board under her and lean her against the wall with a green drape over her.

They were...they were kids, just like my Uncle CJ was when he died. They were all like 25ish...

*curls up in a corner* They...they were wonderful people and it's so terrible that they're gone. It's not right.......sure they had their faults...but they were still good people. And who has any right to judge their actions but God? *sobs softly*

My head hurts so bad from crying...*snuggles her sweater from Becca*

posted by Manda @ 12:22 AM+

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+Saturday, October 08, 2005+

And it starts...

Okay....yeah in truth it started in 8th grade when David died. But....but I didn't....I mean, yeah I was devestated, we all were. Yeha i was "kind of" friends with his sisters. But oh...my...god..

I grew up with her little sisters. She looked after me at school. She use to be my big cousins best friend, and for years her mom was my Aunt Terri's best friend.

*curls up in a corner* Apparently....four kids were in an accident this weekend...all of them are dead, and Mom couldn't remember all of their names, but I knew two of them. One of them is the abovementioned. The other use to date my cousin, and my mom actually beat his ass at one point. She now feels horribly guilty..

And there's a good man, a State Trooper, blaming himself for something he couldn't help. They were drunk or whatnot, over-did a turn, ended up in the other lane, and the poor guy came around the bend and plowed them. I know the place...it's dangerous. *Sigh* My gawd....*sighs* Oh god....

And here it starts hitting close to home. And I just have to keep praying it doesn't get any closer. It's always tragic. I'm sitting here balling. But I don't know if I could handle it if it gets any closer than this. I mean, yeah, I was close to Nicole/Nicki....but not that close. I mean, close enough, but....*shakes head*

I just saw her the other day when I was at work with Adam. And I didn't even say hi, I didn't even think about it. And now I'm going to hate myself for not doing so....

Why didn't I just say hi to her?

Yeah....it's sad about Josh, I didn't know him well, but well enough. And....regardless of whether or not I like him....regardless of anything....it's still terrible.

I....I wish I could do something or anything...

*curls up in a corner and sobs softly*

posted by Manda @ 9:19 PM+

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+Sunday, October 02, 2005+

La...

Well, it's been an interesting weekend. Hehe...

Last night Ree & I fell asleep on the phone together and at different times we woke up, listened to eachother sleep, then fell back asleep...*laughs* It was cool....at 6:00 am though, the phone started dieing so I had to hang it up.

*feels icky* I need a shower...I'm going to get one before I go into work with Adam....I reaaaally need to start on my homework *whistle whistle*

Anyways, I'm going to go goof off some more, as always.

~Manda

posted by Manda @ 2:30 PM+

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+Saturday, October 01, 2005+

It's heeereee...

Halloween season has officially started, rawr!! I'm so excited! This is just my first entry to pop in and cheer khehehe. I'm going to try to do some Halloweeeeeny stuffs in my blog over the next few weeks. :) Whoot...

posted by Manda @ 10:50 PM+

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