It's been a long time since I've been really open or honest in my blog....generally I'm kind of cryptic or only talk about things which won't seem dramatic....things I can't be judged for.

It's rather funny, the older I've gotten, the MORE insecure I've gotten, I 'spose. Though you'd be hard pressed to get me to admit that to any living soul.

But...I'm tired of not saying what I want to say here. I'm tired of feeling like it's a danger to me in some way to say what's really in my head, in my heart. And as I write this, I can feel tears stinging behind my eyes, my brain fuzzy.

There are some things I want so desperately to say here, but I'll never be able to because they are things that must never, ever be found.

And then there are things that I'm just god damned afraid to admit to.

It's been a damned long time....since I let new people into my world. Nick has wormed his way in somehow as a good friend, but we're not that close, even though he knows quite a bit about me, but before that, Adrian and Ree were as close as it got. Ray and I cared about eachother.....but I never shared certain things with him.

How could I? I'd just been broken by Adrian and I was hurting because of Ree.

Letting people in...I have found...is apparently no longer my strong point. I had noticed for quite some time that I no longer helped people in the manner I use to, constantly being a shoulder for those in need, but what I didn't realize is how closed off I had become in every way.

I....did not realize what had happened to me until I came back from Texas. I came back numb. And I couldn't figure out why. I should have hurt so badly because of what happened (those of you who need to know, do). But I didn't. I didn't feel anything except confused.

Why couldn't I feel? Why didn't I hurt?

And why in God's name didn't I love Adam anymore?

That's how I felt. I felt like I didn't love him. Like I didn't love anybody anymore. Like I could no longer feel anything.

It's been that way for weeks. And god help me, I wasn't sure it would ever go away.

Which really scared me. I should have been crying my eyes out, but in all those weeks, I only cried twice. TWICE.

I should have cried a thousand times. I should have been able to process the pain, but I couldn't.

Then I met Matt a few days ago...on the 18th.

And he has, in a word, turned my world upside down. Or maybe right side up, I'm not quite sure.

Of all places, I was hanging out in #QC (The IRC channel for my favorite webcomic, Questionable Content), and we were all talking about music, and I and 'this guy' were debating about some things. It started off as a debate about who was more brilliant: Freddie Mercury or Kurt Cobain. Or should I say, was Kurt as brilliant as Freddie. I was all for Kurt being just as brilliant. He was not, but then again, he doesn't even like Nirvana. (WTF?)

So...it lead to basically some debates about life and stuff, and one of the mod's asked us to take it to privage message, so we did. And then we started to get to know eachother, and well....

He and I are very similar in a lot of ways, and yet very, very different. Though our lives are oddly similar. He and his beautiful wife, Heather, met online a few years ago, and she moved from the States to Australia to be with him. Quite sweet, no? They're also polyamorous! O.O It was odd enough that he knew what the word meant when I mentioned Adam and I being so, but let alone that he and Heather actually *are*. But, yes, he's absolutely brilliant. Intelligent, a music lover, just, absolutely awesome.

By the end of our conversation, things had went fairly interesting.

And I started to feel again.

I really, really liked him, and it was obvious he liked me, too.

That afternoon, Gram had a heart attack and I went into an immediate panic attack. It didn't end until I went to sleep that night, even after seeing her. When I saw her, I just started crying and could not stop. And once I left her room, I cried so hard...I was so relieved.

More feelings. More emotions.

Oh God, yes, I'd been feeling things like guilt and confusion from Texas, but now I was feeling the hurt.

And the insecurity.

I didn't see Matt for a couple of days because apparently his internet is satan incarnate. Hurrah, dialup!

So, roughly two days later, I got up at two in the morning to go to the bathroom. Well, I walked by my computer and was like "What the hell, why not?"

Lo and behold, he's on, and he explains. And we get to talking some more. And there it goes, even more feelings, even more attatchment.

And I'm starting to realize why I went numb. If I hadn't, I'd have lost it. Because at this point, I feel like my heart is a piece of marble that's been chissled over and over, and there is only a tiny pebble left.

And I'm broken and scared.

Monday, the 21st, I told him that....I explained why...I was scared of him. Why....even though we have this fucking amazing connection, I'm utterly terrified of him. Everything that's happened that has gotten me to the point that I feel broken.

And he understood, god love him. Of course he did, he's absolutely amazing and wonderful.

He even said it would make sense for him to back off and give me space and not risk anything, but and I quote, "God help me, I don't want to."

And I didn't want him to either, as scared as I was.

Then, early Tuesday nightwe were talking....and it came around to how he made me feel...and I knew what I was thinking, but there was no way in this god given world I was going to say it. I made a promise to myself not to say it first to anybody, and I also had sworn to myself I was not going to fall for him. Just, no.

But....we walked around it...niether of us saying it, but both of us knowing it was hanging between us. And I started freaking out....

Telling him I was scared, that I wanted to, but I couldn't and just absolutely coming unglued. After awhile he asked if he could call and I said yes, and I tried to keep myself under control and dry my tears as we started talking but within a few minutes I was sobbing, and we were talking, basically, about my psychoticness, as I call it. Basically...you know....how I could get through it, it'd just take time, and lots of help....and Matt told me...he was willing to help me *blushes* And that I'd be alright. And after awhile, I asked him why on earth he bothered with me, and he said because he wanted to, he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. And I said "But why on earth would you WANT to bother with a headcase like me?" And I was not expecting his answer.

"I guess, I love you."

And then one of the wierdest things I've ever experienced in my life happened. I went into a panic attack and started sobbing.

Why one would start sobbing when a devestatingly wonderful man that one is crazy about says "I love you", is beyond me. I'm a fucking idiot.

Matt, of course, god love him, just told me "Manda, it's okay" and I tried so hard to get it out...and I told him "No, it's not okay", and finally I was able to choke out a very pitiful "I love you, too."

And....then well..*blush* Things have been quite wonderful. I mean...I'm happier than I've been in, well, god, forever.

And on top of Matt being absolutely wonderful and amazing and....sucking me into the point that I can't say no to him about anything *laugh* His very, very gorgeous, very sweet wife has a crush on me. (Which is most definately mutual.)

I mean, something this wonderful hasn't happened to me in forever.

Everything is just falling into place beautifully. He can read me like an open book, which....I've only ever met a very small handful of people who could do that, and just....it's wonderful. I'm absolutely crazy about him, I mean, my god's.....I manage to feel again, and it's to fall madly in love, and to feel a whirlwind of fear and neurosis and pain.

I mean, I am so fucking terrified, it's not even funny. That's why it was so hard to...to admit I loved him and to hear it from him....because I am so scared that I'm going to get broken again, but....what else can I do?

I can't just run. I have to take the risk. And god help me, he's worth it.

Even if it breaks me when, if..he hurts me....he's worth it. Every minute with him is like the most wonderful thing in the world. I've never....fallen so fast for anyone, especially not online.

Just immediately there was this amazing connection like nothing I've ever felt before, except with Adam.

I'm just...trying to accept that he loves me and be okay and just trying to say "It'll be okay, it'll be okay", and it's hard, and I'm scared. I love him so much and I am so scared.

But I have to try. For him.

And in a way, for me.


*points up* And most awesome couple of the year award goes tooo....*blush* Isn't Matt absolutely gorgeous? *stupid girly giggles* And Heather is just *dies* so beautiful.

The Lyrics Running Through My Head:

"And I wonder, when I sing a long with you, if everything could ever be this real for ever, if anything could ever be this good again?" - Foo Fighters, Everlong

"Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up, heartsick we nurse along the way we picked up, you may not see it when it's sticking to your skin, but we're better off for all that we let in." - Indigo Girls, All That We Let In

"It was was hard love, every step of the way. Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away..." - Bob Franke, Hard Love

"Oh, I do believe, in all the see, what comes is better, then what came before....and you'd better come, come, come, come to me, better come, come, come, come, come to me, better run, run, run, run, run, to me, better run...." - Cat Power, I Found A Reason

"And this is what she says get's her through it: 'If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?" - Jimmy Eat World, For Me This Is Heaven

Shine - My Current Playlist, which basically has all the songs that remind me of Matt right now, or at least...how I feel.

*hides under a rock* Who knew happiness could scare me so badly?

-Manda

posted by Manda @ 4:18 AM+

Post a Comment

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *