Well, last night was, to say the least, interesting as all hell.

Matt and Heather are moving today and Matt was working on packing and whatnot so we weren't really suppose to see eachother the rest of the weekend after we talked a bit early last night. Which, was a bummer 'cause, you know, I'll miss him. But, I figured it would give me time to kick back and go over everything that's happened in the last week.

So, I started talking to Manda, because, hey, she's my best friend, and frankly, at this point, it felt like she was the one person I could tlak to who wouldn't judge me or chew my ass. (Yaye for my mother being lovingly judgemental.)

After lots of talks and Manda being her wonderful self, I decided it was time to talk to my mom about everything I've been feeling. *sigh*

It started off kinda' rocky, but it turned out very well. We talked about my past and things that were hurting me, stuff like that. Though she's kind of opposed to the whole Matt 'n Heather thing because of what a mess I am.

Talking to her really helped. Towards the end of the conversation, I went over to my computer to have her listen to "All That We Let In" by the Indigo Girls, and *gasp* my Matt was back on! (^-^)

So I went from crying to happy in about 2.8 seconds and was bouncy and stuff, and just yeah....Mom read the lyrics, and I told her, "I keep reminding myself of what the song says, that you know.....yes it could hurt me, but running from love is...."

Mom: "Futile."
Me: "Exactly. And yeah, I should probably do the smart thing and run like hell from Matt and just get my shit together.."
Mom: "But since when do we do the smart thing when it comes to our hearts?"
Me: "Precisely, and for the first time in years, I feel like there's some hope for getting rid of my past and just moving the hell on. I feel like you know....I can let go. I can get rid of it."
Mom: "Whatever makes you happy, Red. I love you no matter what."

Then I went to IM Manda about it, 'cause I was very excited at how well the evening was turning out....and I see this away message:

"out! if you need anything, call/text. that means you, amanda <3"

And it just hit me. Bamn.

I have THE greatest best friend in the history of womankind. Two great guys who absofuckinglutely love me, and who I love like nuts. I've got a crush on a gorgeous girl who seems to like me, too. I've got a kick ass little brother who, while he can be a pain sometimes, is one of the most awesome people I've had the pleasure of knowing, and a mother who, while she may not be orthodox, loves me no matter what a fruitcake I am. Sure, we've had our problems, and yet we've come through it closer than ever.

I'm okay. Yes, I've been hurt to hell and back in the past, but guess what? If I don't stop letting fear and pain rule me, I'm going to be a miserable basket case.

And I'm going to hurt myself more, and the people that love me, and I'm going to ruin everything.

Fuck that.

And those were my exact words to Mom & Manda: "Fuck it."

And I said it using different words to Matt, but he was ecstatic.

So, there ya' go. I'm making the concious choice to let go of all the pain, all the fear. It's not going to do me any good. yes I'm scared of being hurt. Yes, it really is frightening to risk my heart, but I need to. I need to take the chance.

-Manda

posted by Manda @ 7:30 PM+

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