Drops of Mercury: August 2004

+Wednesday, August 25, 2004+

Hrm

Well...hrm. Dylan IM'd me the other night. No suprise. He had me unblocked within a few days. I knew when he said most of that shit he didn't mean it. I know him better than that. He lashes out when he's hurt. If he'd meant half of that, he would have told me a long time ago. I'm not totally stupid.

Given, it stung at first, but within an hour I knew he didn't mean it and I knew that it'd be alright and there was no reason to look ove rmy shoulder.

Sometimes it amazes me how I'm able to really say and mean things like that. I use to really dewell on things and my family use to chew my ass for it. While I still dewll on things, There are some things I'm learning to put behind me.

While I'm sure there was some truth in some wof what he said, I don't believe alot of it. It's not dillusional, it's knowledge. I know him. I know better than that.

But yeah, so we're talking again. *laugh* We're pathetic.

Oh..yeah...she left him. I forgot to mention that. Evil bitch. It's fucking sad what she's done to him. She's torn him apart for over a year. *sigh* And I know just how it feels..

Anyways...I'm going to go. Fricking layout has to be fixxed because of that stupid black bar. Grr.

~Mandy

posted by Manda @ 1:13 PM+

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+Friday, August 06, 2004+

Jesus, Fucking, Cripes.

*sigh* Well, I'm back at TeenHelp, as I mentioned. I'm a moderator in the LGBT/Sexuality forum, as well as Deppression and General. I'm a mentor too. Woot. I only go to the chat at HelpingTeens anymore, and that's just to talk to Alex.

My Mod partner in LGBT, Andie, is really, really awesome. I totally adore her. I doubt she'd be too happy with me disclosing her personal life in here, so we won't go there, but she just is totally cool. She IM'd me the 2nd day the boards were up and we started talking and mentioned we both wanted to be the mod's of the Sexuality forum, and decided to ask as a team, and she asked the Admin's, and voila. She and I are now partner's in crime. hehe. If you want to find us there, it won't be hard, trust me.

Now on to the fun, fun news. Dylan lied to me. The reason he left me is because he felt we had no future after I slept with Darren. I blew up on him because he never shuts up about he and Munny's problems and doesn't give a rats about me, and all of these hurtful things came out and I just guess he never loved me. I'd rather not get into everything that was said, but it just...*sigh* it sent me overboard. At this point, I'm ready to just go off and do myself in becaus e it's like....my entire life, was ruined by the choices I made to be with him. I mean, yeah, some good came out of it on my end, but damn. So many things. School, especially, were ruined to be with him or by choices made to be with him. *sigh* And it hurts like hell.

And things with Adam, I just don't know. I don't even know what to think. He has put in like, 7 job app's since we've been in CO, and hasn't gotten a job, and it's like "what the fuck?". He's known since day one we were on a time limit. And now, we have to move back because there's no way we can do this now after all of this, but he still needs a job so we can save up to move back. Doing it on my child support alone will take us like 3 months. And I need to get back ASAP because from what I've been told by my trusted medical advisee, my symtoms are those of heart attack patients. Do I think I'm having heart attacks? I don't know. Do I know what's wrong with me? Nope. That worries me. I don't know if I should just leave and never look back, or try to make it work some more. All I know is I'm being torn apart from every angle. I love him, I really do. But this is killing me.

And then, of course, there's Mona (that's not her real name, it's a nic-name Alex and I gave her). The girl of my dreams. I met her a few days ago and just, wow. She blow's me away. She's beautiful, and funny, and sweet, and smart, and amazing. And she's been through shit like I have and understands just how fucked up life is and she's just all around fucking amazing. And of course, I have no shot in hell with her. Woopee. And even if I did, could I just walk away from Adam? I don't know. I don't even know how to think straight about my life, and this girl has just thrown one more thing in my way.

I was already doing bad today, and then the Dylan shit happened, and I was so far over the edge, I'm honestly suprised I'm still sitting here. Thank you to Andie, Darren, and May. Andie & Darren are the ones who talked me down, May is just a sweetie who made me see that you know, people do care. Though Andie and Darren, of course, did that too.

But..yeah. I don't know. I'm coping. I made Darren a promise that if I didn't do anything tonight, niether would he. I can't believe I'm back to having to make promises to keep myself alive to keep others alive. That was so many years ago, and I'm back to it again? Oh well. I'll deal with it. I don't have any choice but to right now.

I reccomend everyone read The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Hard Love, and A Seperate Peace. By Stephen Chbosky, Ellen Wittlinger, & John Knowles, respectively. They are probably the three best books I've ever read. Ah, and of course, there's always A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks. But everyone knows about that one.

Anyways...I'm going to go try and cope. It's not easy right now, let me tell ya'. Though...I'm starting to put my numbing shields back up on the Dylan thing. I've worked hard to get past him. I won't let him hurt me anymore.

Love always,
Mandy/Manda

Oh, and for your reading pleasure:

I've done so much
And I've seen so much more
And as I close my eyes
I try not to let tears pour

Because for every good thing I've seen
There's fifty that are so much worse
And it makes me wonder
Why do so many people have to hurt?

I've seen good people die
And leave their loves behind
And I've seen people's hearts broken
Over love that was a lie

And I've been hurt too
By those same damn things
And it makes me wonder
Why anything can still sting?

By now I should be numb
I shouldn't feel a damn twinge
I shouldn't care about death, or love
Or little girls finding peace in a seringe

I shouldn't care
That so many people have been lost
Because their parents or their friends
Didn't have the time to talk

I shouldn't care
That children are dieing at their own hands
That the cut their wrists or take too many pills
While crying to a song by their favorite band

And I shouldn't care
That little girls are sawing at their wrists
That they smile and feel joy
At the pain from the knife their hand twists

I shouldn't care
That I've been hurt by love, death, lies
I shouldn't care
That I've been hurt by so many goodbyes

I shouldn't care
That she makes me week in the knees
I shouldn't care
That I look at death and pain as release

I shouldn't care
About what I feel inside
That I feel like I always have to
Run away and hide

And I shouldn't care
About these things that sting
Because what's the point in caring
When you can't do any fucking thing?

I shouldn't care
Because there's nothing I can do
I shouldn't care
Because I've got nothing to lose

I shouldn't care because everything hurts
And nothing feels the same
And I only have
Myself to blame

And I shouldn't care
About anything anymore
Because for all the joy I feel
I hurt so much more

And it makes me wonder
Why do I care?
Because even in pain
There is a solace there

I should care
Because I'm still learning
And emotions are whom I owe
All the things I'm earning

I should care
Because joy is pain
Looking back at memories
I realize they're the same

And I should care
Because I love her so
And she would care
If I were to just let go

And I should care
That I think about hurting myself
Because while there's still joy
There's no reason to put life on a shelf

And I should care
Because death isn't the key
The truth, the light
Lay inside of me

And I should care
Because I have to make something change
I have to stand up
And make sure it doesn't happen again

I should care enough to try and save
One girl from pain and sorrow
To try and help her see
There is a better day tommorow

And I should care
Because there is something that I can do
But who will help me do it
Will it be you?

I wrote it last night while I was finishing Perks Of. Great book, I will note. The poem's alright.

posted by Manda @ 6:16 PM+