Drops of Mercury

People! Can I get Five Minutes of SANITY in this zoo!?

2007-02-06T10:45:00.000-06:00

So, my life has been spinning out of control at a rapid pace for the past two weeks and I am freaking loving it.

I really can't even explain everything that has went on, but suffice to say, I'm in love, I'm engaged (and HAPPY about it....go figure, me, Miss I'm-Never-Getting-Married), I have two incredible me n in my life who give me the strength I need to face everything that comes my way, and I have managed to freaking plow through issues from my past.

It's difficult to explain without writing a freaking novel on the subject, but here's the quick version...

Mark & I met on uRO via a friend of mine. We wound up in the same guild, started talking, became friends, and the next thing we know, we're madly in love. And, well, it's just...a complete nutfest.

It's strange, and it's...it's this incredible feeling of everything being right, like this is exactly what my life was supposed to be. It's absolutely amazing, and I've never been happier in my life.

Aaand if I don't save this now...'cause I'm rebooting my PC, I'll lose it, like I've lost the last 6 entries I've tried to do. So, yes, that's a brief update on my life.

I'll be writing more in a bit.

To make a long story short..

2007-01-04T04:47:00.000-06:00

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas, clear back on December 1st. We had to give up my brother to his dad on the 22nd of December, then we spent about a week at Dan's parents for Christmas.

When we came home, my cat was gone. It's a long story involving my cousin being a fucking bitch & her husband being a godamn idiot even though I was doing them both a huge favor, but, I'd rather not talk about it. Suffice to say, I'm heartbroken and trying my damnedest to just let go and move on.

Easier said than done when you love your cat as much as I do, but hey.

The worst part is feeling like it's my fault. It's not, I know that...but I feel like it's Karma. I got my DS (something I've wanted a long time), and I lost my cat (something I love). Adam feels the same way, because he finally got his computer for Christmas.

I don't know. I just feel kinda' empty...but...I can't explain it. I just miss him...

I love you, Gohan. I hope you're okay, wherever you may be.

And, once again, I am editing song-lyrics to fit my personal needs, so, here we go!

Seems like it was yesterday that I saw your face...
If only I knew what I know today..

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again

I'm sorry for blaming you
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna' hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away...

I'm sorry for...blaming you....

And I've hurt myself...

By hurting you.

Some fucking Christmas.

grumbles

2006-11-22T06:44:00.000-06:00

Well, it would appear that I'm a failure, heh.

NaNoWriMo is shaping up to be a disaster for me, even though I busted my ass all through October to try to make sure I'd succeed.

I still have hope, seeing as how I have 8 days left, but who knows. I may just faile after all.

And of course, blogging has been basically non-existant. I really need to work on that, heh.

In other news, I got some new ideas for my zine (Yes, I'm still doing that "zine thing"), and I'm taking up Yoga.

I'm also looking into some various religions, instead of trying to focus on just one. I figure that I can take principals from everything and apply them. I mean, why not?

In other news, I've got a lot of dishes to do, I have to help mom make Thanksgiving dinner, and I have a novel to write. Hopefully I'll be posting quite a bit more after November is over.

Bloody blinkin' hell..

2006-11-03T23:52:00.000-06:00

So, about two weeks ago, I trie dto make an entry in my blog via Flock's blogging tool. No go.

By the time I tried to repost it, 99.9% of the crap in it was totally incorrect so, I said screw it.

So, here's what's up.

WoWing away. Ittsy is now level 53, almost 54.

Trying to keep Adam and I together, and it's not going as well as I'd like.

Working on NaNoWriMoing, but coming up with *nothing*.

Stressing.

Big surprise, right?

Voila. And that is that.

I'm going to go back to plotting the novel. >.< Hopefully this November doesn't kill me.

-_- I'm such a failure at life

2006-10-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

Alright, so much for blogging consistantly and constantly. *sigh* I tried, I really did.

It probably seems like nothing goes on in my life. Ha. Not quite.

There is plenty to talk about, but the problem is that it's either all random mindless stuff going on in my family, which usually deppresses me and usually makes for some pretty shitty, deppressing entries, OR.....

Stuff about my net-life. Which usually consists of where I surfed today, who I talked to (which for the most part is usually Darren or Manda, and is usually pretty dramatic, too), or you know, stuff that happened in World of WarCraft, and you know...that's that.

Generally living online doesn't bother me. It's really not bad. Sometimes, though, when you're staring at your blog, which you've spent hours and hours designing and creating, and realizing that it's absolutely ueseless. It wears on you.

See, and here we go with drama! So, I'm going to go now and try to figure out something spiffy to write.

-Manda

Blogged with Flock

Mini LAN Party!

2006-10-04T05:15:00.000-05:00

So, it's a pretty well-known fact that my mom's place turns into a mini-LAN party on Friday nights. Well, this time, it was bigger than, well, ever, as far as I know.

The usual crew consists of:
My mom, my step-dad (Dan), my brother (Mikey), my boyfriend (Adam), & I (We DO live here)
My cousins, Jay & Charlie
And my best friend (aside from my Manda <3), Justin, who is also one of my cousin Jay's best friends (if it tells you anything, he went to our family reunion with us)

This time, though, we had several other folks around!
Michael, Justin's future step-father
Ben, one of Justin & Jay's best friends, and also the guy I've been crushing on for months and months (long story, but this entry I made when I figured it out sums it up)
and Troy, a friend of the family of sorts, who has apparently LOST HIS FUCKING MIND, but we won't go there

Ben came down from where he's going to college and brought his laptop and whatnot, and of course, Jay brought his computer, "Beast", as he always does, so the usual five computer household turned into a 7 PC household for the weekend: HELL YES.

(Ben & Jay....Jay, apparently, is having some, ah, issues...)

We LAN'd our asses off on WarCraft 3, got in some World of WarCraft time, and all around just had a blast.

On Sunday, we even made time for the trampoline!

(From Bottom Left, Clockwise: Charlie, Mikey, Ben, Jay, and Adam (who's hidden behind Jay))

(From Left To Right: Ben (hidden behind Jay), Jay, Adam, and Justin)

(Jay watching Justin bouncing Ben around like a freaking ping-pong ball, buahaha!)

(Me, Mikey, & Charlie...I was bouncing them, yaye!)

(Mikey, Charlie, & I --- they're trying to bounce/tackle me)

All in all, it was a rightous weekend. It's nice to see that there is, apparently, a change of pace in my life. For the past few months, lots of great, exciting things have been happening, and even though some of them aren't "super important" (for example, this weekend), they're all really great experiences.

Though, apparently, I still can't think about some of them without bursting into tears. I have seriously got to work on that.

Blogged with Flock

Hrmm...

2006-09-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

So, it occurs to yours truly that I use my blog as more of a journal than a blog. I generally only post when something worthwhile happens...instead of everday.

WTF, a blog is supposed to be filled with the mindless shit that makes up my day! Why haven't I been utilizing my poor blog properly?

Honestly? I dunno.

So, I'm going to fix it!

Be prepared for random photo's, updates on what kind of mail I get, and various other shit.

I mean, hell, why freakin' not?

Blogged with Flock

Trial & Error.

2006-09-23T12:04:00.000-05:00

Buah.

Trying out a new browser that's built around socialization and interwebbers stuff: Flock.

It has built in Photo-pulling from PhotoBucket & Flickr (which is kick ass because those are the two that I use), Blogging tools built-in (which I'm testing), and other kinky shit that makes me have joygasm's because it's right up my little net-geek alley.

So, this is merelya test. No one have a shitfit.

-Manda

Blogged with Flock

It's About Time.

2006-09-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

As we all know, my apron strings are not only still firmly in place, they're fucking double knotted, sewn together, and wrapped around me like I'm some kind of fishing pole.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't all my mom's fault, and honestly, I'm grateful to her for helping me and carrying me as long as she has.

But it's time to be out on my own. It's time to either sink or swim---on my own.

So, Adam and I are moving to St. Louis, hopefully at the end of January.

I'm very frightened, not because I think we're going to faile, but because I'm going to be six hours away from my mom and brother. Mikey is the most important person in the world to me, followed by Manda, Adam, & Mom. You do the math. Two of the four most important people in my world are going to be six hours away >.< Yeah, that's right. I'm nervous as hell about how freaky I'm going to get without my brother.

On the bright side --- I will be closer to Manda!

And just to assure everyone now: No, Manda is NOT the reason I'm moving. She plays a part in it, but I'v ethought about moving to St. Louis since I was 13, and have badgered my mom about it for years. She wouldn't budge. Well, I've been a legal adult for over a year now. It's time to start living my own life.

I will admit, Manda's visit did help inspire some of this, because when I was with her, I realized I had to start doing the things that I want to do, regardless of the consequences.

Chopping off all my hair and having to accept that no matter what it looked like, I was stuck with it, was very terrifying, and it really nudged me forward.

Money's going to be tight, and it's going to be scary learning to balance everything and keeping it all together, but I honestly believe I'm capable of doing it.

I mean, for crying out loud, I'm an intelligent adult, if I can't handle it, then I need shot in the damned head.

So, yes, hopefully, in the next 5 months, yours truly will be in St. Louis.

Wish me luck, boys and girls.

-Manda

I Miss You...

2006-09-12T03:28:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here in tears.

Manda just signed off for the night...and yeah...I just miss her so much more than I htought I would.

Don't get me wrong, I missed her so much last night....but just....yeah, just talking to her tonight and stuff, it's just like...godamnit....

I know we can't be together, and I know she's so far away...and I know I just have to accept that.

But part of me wants to do everything I can to move my happy ass to St. Louis and then beg her to be with me.

But that would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. And it'd be so freakin' unbelievably wrong, it's not even funny. She has dreams, she has goals, I can't hold her back from thos ethings.

I don't want to hold her back, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I just love her so much, and I Just wish...things could be like they were forever.

She's just the most amazing person in the world, and I love her more than....just more than I ever thought I could.

Four years ago....I didn't have a fucking clue what I was getting myself into. And I'm really, really glad I didn't. It'd been such an adventure with Manda. We've went through so much together and the love between us is just amazing beyond all reason.

I love her so much, and I always will, no matter what. She's my baby girl, and nobody can ever take that away from us.

Now, I'm going to go lay on the trampoline and stare at the stars for awhile.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"I'm counting the signs, and cursing the miles in between....oh....but home....is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you......I'm alright, I'm alright...it only hurts when I breathe, I'm alright, I'm alright....it only hurts when I breathe..." - Melissa Etheridge, Breathe

-Manda

It Only Took 4 Years.

2006-09-10T23:03:00.000-05:00

Anyone who reads this blog knows, or SHOULD know about my best friend / ex-girlfriend, Manda. We've known eachother for almost four years (It'll be four years as of October 21st), and we've been through hellacious ammounts of shit together.

But, every time we planned to meet, something got in the way. Until now.

We'd been making plans for awhile for her to come down here the weekend after my birthday, but we were still holding our breath, knowing that usually, our plans got thwarted.

Well, this time, they didn't.

Friday evening, Mom & I drove to Hollister, Missouri, about a little over an hour from our place, to meet Manda. She was driving down from St. Louis, where she attends college, and we didn't want her to get lost in the backass Arkansas woods, so we were meeting here there, and then Mom was going to drive back, and I was going to drive with Manda and navigate.

It worked out perfectly =D

Manda & I were talking on the phone as Mom & I arrived, and Mom saw her before I did, and like, as we pulled into the parking lot, I DOVE out of the Aztec and ran to meet her. We were in an insta-hug!

Trying to detail out every single detail would take me like....a whole lot of stress, because I need to write it in my journal anyways, and I'm kind of bumming because she left a few hours ago, and like....I don't want to focus too much on everything right now, but it was absolutely amazing. Better than I ever thought it could be.

We've loved eachother for years and yeah..we just can't be together. It'd be great, but both of us have our lives to live, but it was still awesome getting to see eachother, because whether we can be together or not, we're still best friends, and the love between us is amazing, and it's just....awesome.

But...anyways...for details...

Yesterday we went out and we were planning to get our noses pierced and get my hair cut, and as we were leaving, Adam handed me money and was like "Do you want your birthday present? Are you going to be brave about it?" and I said "Huh?" and he said "Go get your tatto."

So, we got to Wild Child's, which is the tatto place our family goes to because the owner, Wild Child, has been a family friend for YEARS and YEARS, since we first moved to Arkansas when I was 3, and there is just no one else I'd have trusted that much.

The tatto Adam was referring to is the Butterfly tatto I've had planned for years...since around the time I met Manda.

It's based off of Jimmy Eat World's song "For Me This Is Heaven". There's a line that says "Can you still feel the butterflies?" and I used the butterflies to remind me of another line in the song: "If I don't let myself be happy now then when."

I got them on the inside of my left forearm, because I see that part of my body a lot, and it's a constant reminder.

There are also other meanings attatched to it now, but yes...anyways........

Manda's always known about that one....so it was awesome having her there holding my hand while I got it done. *laughs* There are three butterflies, which are, histarically enough, modeled after the butterflies on Manda's car-seat covers (they were the exact type of butterflies I wanted, and I didn't have a picture, so we took a picture of Manda's car-seat covers, lol). They are, starting from the top, teal, purple, and pink. (^-^)

It didn't hurt like I thought it would. It seriously was not bad at all, and I can't wait to get my other tatto's done.

Manda decided she didn't want to get pierced after all, so then we went to get my hair cut.

I was more nervous about getting my hair lopped off than I was about getting inked, lol.

But....I took printed pictures of Questionable Content's Faye (my favorite character) that Manda had printed out for me 'cause I was out of ink, showed them to the beautician, and voila. My hair is poofed.

Here is the proof:

There goes my ass-length hair.

Then we came home and yes....things were just awesome. *big smile*

Now, I'm off to dye my hair and cry my eyes out.

I miss her like hell.

-Manda

Oh. P.S. As of the 7th, I'm 19. WTF! I'm working on 20 O.O

Lay Me Down...

2006-08-31T20:34:00.000-05:00

Lay Me Down by The Wreckers

You let me in 'cause after all
It seemed like the right thing to do
I closed my eyes and let you fall
I wonder what you could possibly know
about breaking down that door

It's been a while
Since I begged for anything
But now I want more

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried to anyway

I hear you say, "Its not the same.
I'm sorry, its something I just can't explain."
So shut your mouth and hold me close
We both know its better then being alone

I don't mind
Killin time
As long as I can see it in your eyes

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried

If wanting you is wrong
Ihen I'm wrong I'll admit it
Time after time
You realize you don't mean it

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried

I'm sorry
Lay me down
I'm lonely
Lay me down

You don't understand me
And you never even tried to anyway

------------------------------

Ladies and gents, meet my new theme song.

I'll give you one guess as to why.

sigh

2006-08-26T04:33:00.000-05:00

Bob Franke - Hard Love

I remember growing up like it was only yesterday
Mom and Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way
But the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away
And the only love I knew about was hard love

It was hard love every hour of the day
When Christmas to my birthday was a million miles away
And the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
There was love in daddy's house, but it was hard love

I recall the gentle courtesy you showed me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried
This ain't no easy weekend, this is hard love

It was hard love every step of the way
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved to day
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love

So I love you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame
And I love you for your language and your laughter and your name
And I knew it was impossible but I loved you just the same
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love

It was hard love, it was hard on you, I know
When the only love I gave to you was love I couln't show
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love

Now I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind
For the Lord's cross might redeem us but our own just waste our
time
And to tell the two apart is always hard love

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away
I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day
How you help me to accept myself, and I won't forget to say
Love is never wasted even when it's hard love

It's hard love, but it's love all the same
Not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love

*hides in her corner* Please don't let me be broken...

-Manda

Choices, Choices...

2006-08-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

Well, last night was, to say the least, interesting as all hell.

Matt and Heather are moving today and Matt was working on packing and whatnot so we weren't really suppose to see eachother the rest of the weekend after we talked a bit early last night. Which, was a bummer 'cause, you know, I'll miss him. But, I figured it would give me time to kick back and go over everything that's happened in the last week.

So, I started talking to Manda, because, hey, she's my best friend, and frankly, at this point, it felt like she was the one person I could tlak to who wouldn't judge me or chew my ass. (Yaye for my mother being lovingly judgemental.)

After lots of talks and Manda being her wonderful self, I decided it was time to talk to my mom about everything I've been feeling. *sigh*

It started off kinda' rocky, but it turned out very well. We talked about my past and things that were hurting me, stuff like that. Though she's kind of opposed to the whole Matt 'n Heather thing because of what a mess I am.

Talking to her really helped. Towards the end of the conversation, I went over to my computer to have her listen to "All That We Let In" by the Indigo Girls, and *gasp* my Matt was back on! (^-^)

So I went from crying to happy in about 2.8 seconds and was bouncy and stuff, and just yeah....Mom read the lyrics, and I told her, "I keep reminding myself of what the song says, that you know.....yes it could hurt me, but running from love is...."

Mom: "Futile."
Me: "Exactly. And yeah, I should probably do the smart thing and run like hell from Matt and just get my shit together.."
Mom: "But since when do we do the smart thing when it comes to our hearts?"
Me: "Precisely, and for the first time in years, I feel like there's some hope for getting rid of my past and just moving the hell on. I feel like you know....I can let go. I can get rid of it."
Mom: "Whatever makes you happy, Red. I love you no matter what."

Then I went to IM Manda about it, 'cause I was very excited at how well the evening was turning out....and I see this away message:

"out! if you need anything, call/text. that means you, amanda <3"

And it just hit me. Bamn.

I have THE greatest best friend in the history of womankind. Two great guys who absofuckinglutely love me, and who I love like nuts. I've got a crush on a gorgeous girl who seems to like me, too. I've got a kick ass little brother who, while he can be a pain sometimes, is one of the most awesome people I've had the pleasure of knowing, and a mother who, while she may not be orthodox, loves me no matter what a fruitcake I am. Sure, we've had our problems, and yet we've come through it closer than ever.

I'm okay. Yes, I've been hurt to hell and back in the past, but guess what? If I don't stop letting fear and pain rule me, I'm going to be a miserable basket case.

And I'm going to hurt myself more, and the people that love me, and I'm going to ruin everything.

Fuck that.

And those were my exact words to Mom & Manda: "Fuck it."

And I said it using different words to Matt, but he was ecstatic.

So, there ya' go. I'm making the concious choice to let go of all the pain, all the fear. It's not going to do me any good. yes I'm scared of being hurt. Yes, it really is frightening to risk my heart, but I need to. I need to take the chance.

-Manda

No More Angst!

2006-08-25T02:13:00.000-05:00

This is IT! No more god damned son of a bitchin' angst.

I'm going to be happy, period.

I've got so many awesome people in my life, and frankly, life itself isn't that bad, so you know what? Screw it! What the hell is the point in being messed up and miserable!? There isn't one!

I'm letting it go. It can't hurt me unless I let it. Well godamnit, I'm not letting it!!!

I'm going to be happy! (^-^)

No matter what.

-Manda

The Other Side...

2006-08-24T04:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've been really open or honest in my blog....generally I'm kind of cryptic or only talk about things which won't seem dramatic....things I can't be judged for.

It's rather funny, the older I've gotten, the MORE insecure I've gotten, I 'spose. Though you'd be hard pressed to get me to admit that to any living soul.

But...I'm tired of not saying what I want to say here. I'm tired of feeling like it's a danger to me in some way to say what's really in my head, in my heart. And as I write this, I can feel tears stinging behind my eyes, my brain fuzzy.

There are some things I want so desperately to say here, but I'll never be able to because they are things that must never, ever be found.

And then there are things that I'm just god damned afraid to admit to.

It's been a damned long time....since I let new people into my world. Nick has wormed his way in somehow as a good friend, but we're not that close, even though he knows quite a bit about me, but before that, Adrian and Ree were as close as it got. Ray and I cared about eachother.....but I never shared certain things with him.

How could I? I'd just been broken by Adrian and I was hurting because of Ree.

Letting people in...I have found...is apparently no longer my strong point. I had noticed for quite some time that I no longer helped people in the manner I use to, constantly being a shoulder for those in need, but what I didn't realize is how closed off I had become in every way.

I....did not realize what had happened to me until I came back from Texas. I came back numb. And I couldn't figure out why. I should have hurt so badly because of what happened (those of you who need to know, do). But I didn't. I didn't feel anything except confused.

Why couldn't I feel? Why didn't I hurt?

And why in God's name didn't I love Adam anymore?

That's how I felt. I felt like I didn't love him. Like I didn't love anybody anymore. Like I could no longer feel anything.

It's been that way for weeks. And god help me, I wasn't sure it would ever go away.

Which really scared me. I should have been crying my eyes out, but in all those weeks, I only cried twice. TWICE.

I should have cried a thousand times. I should have been able to process the pain, but I couldn't.

Then I met Matt a few days ago...on the 18th.

And he has, in a word, turned my world upside down. Or maybe right side up, I'm not quite sure.

Of all places, I was hanging out in #QC (The IRC channel for my favorite webcomic, Questionable Content), and we were all talking about music, and I and 'this guy' were debating about some things. It started off as a debate about who was more brilliant: Freddie Mercury or Kurt Cobain. Or should I say, was Kurt as brilliant as Freddie. I was all for Kurt being just as brilliant. He was not, but then again, he doesn't even like Nirvana. (WTF?)

So...it lead to basically some debates about life and stuff, and one of the mod's asked us to take it to privage message, so we did. And then we started to get to know eachother, and well....

He and I are very similar in a lot of ways, and yet very, very different. Though our lives are oddly similar. He and his beautiful wife, Heather, met online a few years ago, and she moved from the States to Australia to be with him. Quite sweet, no? They're also polyamorous! O.O It was odd enough that he knew what the word meant when I mentioned Adam and I being so, but let alone that he and Heather actually *are*. But, yes, he's absolutely brilliant. Intelligent, a music lover, just, absolutely awesome.

By the end of our conversation, things had went fairly interesting.

And I started to feel again.

I really, really liked him, and it was obvious he liked me, too.

That afternoon, Gram had a heart attack and I went into an immediate panic attack. It didn't end until I went to sleep that night, even after seeing her. When I saw her, I just started crying and could not stop. And once I left her room, I cried so hard...I was so relieved.

More feelings. More emotions.

Oh God, yes, I'd been feeling things like guilt and confusion from Texas, but now I was feeling the hurt.

And the insecurity.

I didn't see Matt for a couple of days because apparently his internet is satan incarnate. Hurrah, dialup!

So, roughly two days later, I got up at two in the morning to go to the bathroom. Well, I walked by my computer and was like "What the hell, why not?"

Lo and behold, he's on, and he explains. And we get to talking some more. And there it goes, even more feelings, even more attatchment.

And I'm starting to realize why I went numb. If I hadn't, I'd have lost it. Because at this point, I feel like my heart is a piece of marble that's been chissled over and over, and there is only a tiny pebble left.

And I'm broken and scared.

Monday, the 21st, I told him that....I explained why...I was scared of him. Why....even though we have this fucking amazing connection, I'm utterly terrified of him. Everything that's happened that has gotten me to the point that I feel broken.

And he understood, god love him. Of course he did, he's absolutely amazing and wonderful.

He even said it would make sense for him to back off and give me space and not risk anything, but and I quote, "God help me, I don't want to."

And I didn't want him to either, as scared as I was.

Then, early Tuesday nightwe were talking....and it came around to how he made me feel...and I knew what I was thinking, but there was no way in this god given world I was going to say it. I made a promise to myself not to say it first to anybody, and I also had sworn to myself I was not going to fall for him. Just, no.

But....we walked around it...niether of us saying it, but both of us knowing it was hanging between us. And I started freaking out....

Telling him I was scared, that I wanted to, but I couldn't and just absolutely coming unglued. After awhile he asked if he could call and I said yes, and I tried to keep myself under control and dry my tears as we started talking but within a few minutes I was sobbing, and we were talking, basically, about my psychoticness, as I call it. Basically...you know....how I could get through it, it'd just take time, and lots of help....and Matt told me...he was willing to help me *blushes* And that I'd be alright. And after awhile, I asked him why on earth he bothered with me, and he said because he wanted to, he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. And I said "But why on earth would you WANT to bother with a headcase like me?" And I was not expecting his answer.

"I guess, I love you."

And then one of the wierdest things I've ever experienced in my life happened. I went into a panic attack and started sobbing.

Why one would start sobbing when a devestatingly wonderful man that one is crazy about says "I love you", is beyond me. I'm a fucking idiot.

Matt, of course, god love him, just told me "Manda, it's okay" and I tried so hard to get it out...and I told him "No, it's not okay", and finally I was able to choke out a very pitiful "I love you, too."

And....then well..*blush* Things have been quite wonderful. I mean...I'm happier than I've been in, well, god, forever.

And on top of Matt being absolutely wonderful and amazing and....sucking me into the point that I can't say no to him about anything *laugh* His very, very gorgeous, very sweet wife has a crush on me. (Which is most definately mutual.)

I mean, something this wonderful hasn't happened to me in forever.

Everything is just falling into place beautifully. He can read me like an open book, which....I've only ever met a very small handful of people who could do that, and just....it's wonderful. I'm absolutely crazy about him, I mean, my god's.....I manage to feel again, and it's to fall madly in love, and to feel a whirlwind of fear and neurosis and pain.

I mean, I am so fucking terrified, it's not even funny. That's why it was so hard to...to admit I loved him and to hear it from him....because I am so scared that I'm going to get broken again, but....what else can I do?

I can't just run. I have to take the risk. And god help me, he's worth it.

Even if it breaks me when, if..he hurts me....he's worth it. Every minute with him is like the most wonderful thing in the world. I've never....fallen so fast for anyone, especially not online.

Just immediately there was this amazing connection like nothing I've ever felt before, except with Adam.

I'm just...trying to accept that he loves me and be okay and just trying to say "It'll be okay, it'll be okay", and it's hard, and I'm scared. I love him so much and I am so scared.

But I have to try. For him.

And in a way, for me.

*points up* And most awesome couple of the year award goes tooo....*blush* Isn't Matt absolutely gorgeous? *stupid girly giggles* And Heather is just *dies* so beautiful.

The Lyrics Running Through My Head:

"And I wonder, when I sing a long with you, if everything could ever be this real for ever, if anything could ever be this good again?" - Foo Fighters, Everlong

"Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up, heartsick we nurse along the way we picked up, you may not see it when it's sticking to your skin, but we're better off for all that we let in." - Indigo Girls, All That We Let In

"It was was hard love, every step of the way. Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away..." - Bob Franke, Hard Love

"Oh, I do believe, in all the see, what comes is better, then what came before....and you'd better come, come, come, come to me, better come, come, come, come, come to me, better run, run, run, run, run, to me, better run...." - Cat Power, I Found A Reason

"And this is what she says get's her through it: 'If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?" - Jimmy Eat World, For Me This Is Heaven

Shine - My Current Playlist, which basically has all the songs that remind me of Matt right now, or at least...how I feel.

*hides under a rock* Who knew happiness could scare me so badly?

-Manda

sigh Activity. IN MY LIFE?

2006-08-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

So some things have happened that I suppose I really should talk about, even though some of them are things I wish I could forget.

#1 - I'm skipping this semester. It's all around easier for and better for my family, myself, and my grades. So, I'm doing what i feel is best for my career.

#2 - On August 18th, my grama had a heart attack and almost died. Now, as anyone who knows me or has read my blog knows...my grama and I generally don't get along. Sometimes she can be very cool, but a lot of the time she's a heinous bitch. All of that aside, I love her. She still has a good heart somewhere in her and for that I was terrified of losing her.

But, thankfully, by the time Mom, Dan, Adam, & I arrived at the hospital (about an hour and a half after Gram had been takent here mid-attack by Tim, my cousin's husband)....she was already out of surgery and doing wonderful. (They did an emergency catherization on her.)

I was basically in one long panic attack from the minute I was told, until well, I went to sleep that night. It just didn't end. Even when I saw her, it didn't go away. It lessened only slightly, because I was finally able to cry. I started crying when I saw her, but as I was leaving her room after talking to her for a bit and telling her how much she scared us and I love her.....I started sobbing. I couldn't stop.

We were only allowed back 3 at a time, and Mom and went with my aunt and my aunt's boyfriend beforehand, so when I went back, it was Dan, Adam, & I. And as I was walking back to where Mom was waiting for us, I was sobbing, and Mom asked me why I was crying and I just said "I'm just so fucking thankful she's okay."

This is....saying a lot considering how very often my grandmother and I have issues...but she really is a good person, she's just very, very fucked up. And honestly, I know why. Psychologically, I know exactly why she has become the person she has due to the circumstances in her life. But, she also has made choices to allow it to continue. My mom should be some kind of prostitute doing mass ammounts of drugs by the way her life has been, but she's not because she chose not to me. My grama could make different choices, but she doesn't, and I just love her anyways. 'Cause, ya' know, what else do you do?

#3 - Well, I don't want to say too much because...it's still too soon. But once again, your struly has apparently gotten into the knack of making friends again. And, maybe, possibly...something a little farther than friends. Been awhile since *that's* happened, no? So..I'm not saying too much for now, but basically I've been walking around giddy and stupid. Woot. It's nice to have some new friends, especially ones I can be close to...and other things are always nice, too (^-^)

-Manda

Catastrophe = Epiphany?

2006-08-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided to take this little horror story of mine and turn it into something good. I decided to quit bugging over what I lost and just decided "you know what, let's get the shit that was really, really important, and let's just start over."

Some interesting things have happened since. I've decided to quit stressing over my 80billion projects and to just focus on school and one or two things. So far, I haven't really worked on anything but getting stuff for my new toy and rebuilding my music collection.

I spent the past three days re-reading the entire QC archive and rebuilding my music collection. Oh, and obsessing over the new toy...

So what is the new toy?

The z22 Palm

That is my brithday/anniversary present from Adam. Pretty spiffy, huh? (^-^) I've been getting lots of games and ebooks for it, though it hasn't gotten here, yet. (It's out for delivery as we speak! *jig*)

I'm also going to be able to put some of my textbooks on it as well, which will save me some $$. Hurray.

So, anyways...that's what's up. I'm going to be revamping the blog here shortly so that it reflects my personality a little better, yaye.

So anyways, I'm off.

I start school in less than a week.

Adam and I's 3 year anniversary is in two weeks.

My birthday is in like, three weeks.

Voosh.

-Manda

o.O Why am I not surprised? hehe

2006-08-11T06:31:00.000-05:00

So....like i mentioned, my hard drive died. This hard drive had basically all the contents of my life on it, so I was pretty bummed. I still am, but not too badly because I've managed to recover some stuff from old drives, the net, etc.

There was one thing that *will not* be able to be pulled from the drive, period, though.

And that's my music. Which I have a shitload of.

Well, I knew I had my Grunge-Alternative folder on Adam's Linux Box from when we had it out in our trailer, and I knew I had a few country songs there too and whatnot, but in general, I was still feeling sorry for myself, lol.

So, I was re-making my music folder on a different drive, and basically feeling sorry for myself and when I started Winamp I decided to add *everything* to it, because I figured "Fuck it, I don't have that much music anymore anyways".

Surprisingly, when I added the whole "My Music" folder....375 songs were there.

Apparently, my Grunge-Alternative folder is a wee bit bigger than I thought. (But considering I have probably 40 Nirvana songs alone, that's not saying much).

So, I had to see just *how* big...so I added just the Grunge-Alternative folder.....289 songs O.O So, I would have to say if I wanted one folder saved, that would be it. Not just because there are so many songs in it, but because Grunge is my favorite type of music for those of you who are completely oblivious, and yeah....when I started pullings songs off my MP3 player for salvage and realized I only had one Sonic Youth song on there, I almost cried, ROFL >.<

Anyways! Thank GOD that folder was saved.

I'd die without my Nirvana.

Wow...

2006-08-09T05:33:00.000-05:00

So a lot has transpired the past few days. And I do mean 'a lot'.

On the 6th, Mom and I went to see Heart, which was absolutely and completely amazing. I even got the Bassist & secondary guitarist's autographs afterwords!!

The show was phenomenal though, ESPECIALLY if you consider just how long Heart's been doing this and how old Ann & Nancy are getting. No, I'm not trying to be prejudiced based on age, what I'm saying is that if I can sing like Ann can when I'm over 50 years old, I will consider it one of the greatest and most amazing blessings that God has ever given me. We all know I take pride in my voice and I love to sing, and for those of you who don't know --- Ann Wilson's voice is the one I'd want if I could have any woman alive's voice. She has the MOST AMAZING VOICE EVER, and it's only gotten BETTER WITH AGE. I mean, I was fucking astounded that even after all these years, she sings better live than on CD's and shit. She is PHENFUCKINGOMENAL!!

And Nancy, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She still jumps up and down, kicks her legs and does the splits! WHILE PLAYING THE FUCKING GUITAR!!! I mean, HOLY FUCKING HELL! HOW!?

It was just, WOW.

When they opened with Magic Man, tears pooled in my eyes as I looked past Mom to the stage, and I was just like "Fuck this, no, this is one of the greatest moments in my life, I'm not going to cry."

It was just so awesome to be there with my mom and knowing what I know. For those of you who don't know, my mom has only ever been to two concert's: She saw Heart when she was 15 (21 years ago) with my Uncle CJ, who died when I was three, and she saw Heart with me on August 6th (^-^) So, was a rather momentous occassion.

And it was just absolutely amazing standing there with her watching one of the greatest bands in the history of Rock 'n Roll, and basically you know, THE band that proved women can ROCK THE FUCK OUT performing their hearts out after ALL THESE YEARS and doing it in SUCH an amazing fashion!

Not to mention, it was a smaller arena..and we'd opted to pay the extra $$ to get our tickets upgraded, so we were like, FRONT AND CENTER for the concert! Our seats were like 50 feet away, IF THAT!! And we said "fuck it" and spent the majority of the concert UP AT THE STAGE. I was within like 10 feet of Ann at one point, and Mom was so close she could touch-her taking pics!!!

It was so fucking rawr!!

And oh my god, hahaha, after they did "These Dreams" and "Alone" (the only real slow songs they did), they started Barracuda, and HOLY SHIT....

We'd went back to our seats for a few, and these seats were TINY so I had to squeeze my ass in, but fuck, when I heard the first few chords of Barracuda, I FLEW out of my seat faster than you can say "FUCK!" and I was up headbanging my ass off and singing along for the rest of the show, which included "Crazy On You" and a couple others I can't remember.

I threw out my neck and shoulders, and while I feel alright now, for the past couple days I was a hurting pup, but SO FUCKING WORTH IT!!!!

What an awesome way to end the summer, and what a fucking phenomenal 19th birthday present, eh?

For those of you who don't know this: I wanted Heart to be my first concert, and I wanted it to be with my mom more than anything. That was such a special moment, I can not even tell you, and it SCREAMED just how far she and I have come in the past 6 years.

I may not have a lot of faith, and I may not be a big fan of God, but to whatever is out there: Thank you so fucking much for giving me this chance.

I didn't even know until a week before the concert that they were going to be you know, not 4-6 hours away, but only AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY!!!!

And I didn't think we'd get to go. But, a few days after we found out, Mom said, and I quote "We're going to see Heart. Period." And I knew then we were going.

And we did. And it was one of the greatest days of my life. I will never, ever forget watching Ann and Nancy rocking their fucking asses off.

And to all the critic's who've bitched about Ann's ass over the years: Go fuck a tree full of bees and die. She's big, she's beautiful, and she can fucking rock harder than ANY SKINNY BITCH ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! I love Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, and Lita Ford. They are my other female-rock icon's, and their voices are greater than great and they fucking rule, but there isn't one of them who can sing like her. Oh yeah, they can sing like nobody's business, but her voice can be the softest, most gorgeous of ballad's, or it can be harsh, abrasive, and fucking PERFECT for rocking out.

NOT TO MENTION SHE CAN PLAY GUITAR AND FLUTE!!! And she played the flute, took it away from her mouth, sang, played again...THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!! Playing the flute is HARD AS SHIT, I know, I USE TO DO IT, let alone trying to sing after doing so!!! O.O

Personally, she's more beautiful than words could ever say. And no, she is *not* small, she's as big as my mom, if not more solid and bigger! And she's FUCKING GORGEOUS.

(^-^) HURRAAH!

Now for the bad news: My Hard Drive finally decided to tell me to drop dead.

It died.

Basically.

We've been doing everything we can to recover files from it, and right now I'm picking through the pieces of my life. And you know, I've been bitching about my lack of anonymity online...

But honestly I'm thanking God for it now. Because my life is strewn about online, and I can find bits and pieces that are very important and collect them and get them back even though my hard drive is dead.

*Sigh* I lost a lot, to be really honest, and I'm trying to calm down enough to accept it and just piece things together, but it's really hard and it's really bumming me out.

But maybe this is a sign I need to spend some more time working on things outside of the PC.

Like learning the guitar, maybe?

I've been saying for a long time I'd love to learn the guitar, but I had to face a rather shitty fact not-too-long ago.....my fingers are so short, I probably can't play.

But....

After seeing Nancy jamming out, and after my cousin bringing over Guitar Hero last night, I can't resist. I have to try.

Don't get me wrong, Guitar Hero is probably 100000000 times easier than playing the guitar for real, and I'm well aware of this. It's not the fact that I'm doing okay at guitar hero, it's that that feeling of being behind a guitar is incredible, and I love it, AND...

I was doing some interesting things measuring the neck and whatnot, and I think I honestly can play if I can find the right guitar.

So, I'm going for it.

I lost a lot of the files for my zine, which is driving me crazy, but I'm going to start over and try again.

What else is there to do?

So, wish me luck on playing guitar, getting my zine published, and writing a novel.

Viva la life.

Unglued

2006-08-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

I've been writing a lot of streams of conciousness lately to try and get things out and to try and come up with something interesting for my zine. I think some of it would make for a pretty interesting per-zine, but I'm not sure. I don't know if I could handle baring that much of my soul to the world. Ya' know?

Who knows though, eh?

But...there's just a lot of things going on in my head, and it's complicated and confusing and I just wish to God that I could figure myself out. I don't wanna' be confused and upset and deppressed. I just wanna' be okay. And yeah, I use to feel 'okay' at times...here and there. I mean, the past six years have been a roller coaster, and it's been hard to deal with, but..there were a few moments where I could say "I'm alright".

But something always happens. Something inside of me never gets quite fixed and then something inside of me clicks and I'm not okay anymore.

I dunno....honestly I feel wierd posting this kind of thing in my blog, because....well...it's been awhile since I've been really honest with my thoughts and feelings in here. It feels odd.

Anyways....I'm going to go read some more and listen to Mogwai, which, btw, is a fucking awesome band.

-Manda

Woo, more excitement!

2006-08-03T06:06:00.000-05:00

So, as most of you know, it's been one hell of a summer. My two vacation's were a lot more than I've done in one summer for awhile, and it's been very exciting. I won't lie, there are issues, as some of you know, but honestly, it's been great.

Well, I'm about to get the perfect end to this most exciting of summers!

On the 6th, My mom & I are going to see Heart in concert! (^-^)

Now if you don't know who Heart is, go Google and start hitting iTunes. You're fucking deprived.

If you do, read on!

The only concert my mom has ever been to was Heart, and it was with my Uncle CJ, who died when I was 3. I've always wanted to see them in concert with her, because frankly, it'd be really cool for my first concert to be the same as hers, and not only that, but it's something really special between the two of us. We both absofuckinglutely love them and when we found out they were going to be only 2 hours away doing a concert, there was no question: We were going no matter what.

So, this is my birthday present from Mom & Dan (^-^) Can we say "best fucking present EVER!"? Yes, yes we can.

I am so unbelievably psyched about this, I can't even tell you guys.

I mean, if it gives you any kind of indication, I haven't bought CD's in quite some time, generally, I burn them, or friends give me burned CD's, whatever.

But buying a CD? Pssh. Last time I did that was last April when Lifehouse's newest one came out, and before that, I'm not sure I could tell you. I *think* it was Nirvana's "Nevermind" back when I was in like, 10th grade.

But anyways! I started buying CD's again recently.

When I got back from Texas (the night I got back), I bought Foo Fighters "In Your Honor", which, for 12 bucks, was a steal since it's a two disk set. And Foo Fighters just fucking rock. At the time, Wal-Mart didn't have any Heart, so I couldn't nab any.

Well, while I was there a few days ago, I managed to find "The Essential Heart" (2 CD's, one with 18 songs, the other with 19), for only 16 bucks!!! I lost it and HAD TO HAVE IT.

And frankly, they are two of the greatest CD's I've ever heard, let alone owned. They're comparable to Nirvana's "Unplugged In New York" & Alice In Chains "Unplugged", which are fucking orgasmic. I mean, I'm a Nirvana *JUNKIE* and Unplugged is my fav of their albums, and I've quickly become an Alice In Chains nutter, too, and I'm completely in love with their Unplugged album.

So anyways, yeah....Heart's just completely amazing. I could listen to them and never, ever get tired. Anne Wilson, the lead singer, has a voice that just makes me wanna' moan, scream, laugh, cry...just....AMAZING. And her sister, the lead guitarist, can rock out like you would not believe.

So, yeah, I'll definately be writing an entry about how kick ass it was (^-^)

*bounces* Hoorah, Heart!

And in other good news...I've been having a blast playing RO on the Underworld RO server.

Ree's a GM there, which is interesting, because *everyone* knows him, so when I talk about him, it's pretty funny, heh.

But yeah, it's a great server, and the people are all pretty spiffy and I'm having a really good time making friends and hanging out.

To top it off, I was talking to Ree one night and mouthing him a bit, just having fun, and the other GM, Loki, was like "O.O" and I was like "Loki, Kurenai is one of my best friends, I'm teasing him". And he was like "Oh, okay", then he pulled me aside in private and asked who I was (who my other characters were, etc.) and it turned out, Ree had already talked to me about him, which was odd, hehe, but...

Then he introduced himself by his real name to me, and we got to talking, and he's just downright an awesome person. He reminds me a lot of me and it's just been awesome having him around. He's a great friend, especially for only having known me for two days, and honestly, I feel privledged to know him. It's just totally awesome.

So yeah, new friendness! You'll probably hear more about Loki-ness at some point or another, because frankly, we've become fast friends and I adore him (^-^)

Anyways, toodles!

-Manda

I've been waiting 2 years...

2006-07-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

To hear the song I'm listening to now. "Hard Love" by Bob Franke. I finally managed to find it, hurrah.

Of course, I first learned about it through the book of the same title by Ellen Wittlinger, which, if you know me, you know is one of my all-time favorite books. Too. Awesome. For. Words.

*sigh* So, yeah, I decided to whip it out and re-read it. I managed to plow through it in a matter of a few hours....and of course, I'm at the end, and crying, and listening to the song, and trying to breath, because it reminds me so much of a situation I'm in now. And DAMNIT TO HELL does it make me feel...like I'm growing up, and yet so broken and damn lost. I hate that feeling.

I haven't posted a lot of personal stuff in my blog lately, I've kind of been keeping it at arms length for fear of some things, but I'm getting over that again...this is my damn blog. I choose to bare my soul to the world, and godamnit, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it properly.

(-_-) Hurrah, me.

Seriously, though, peoples....if you can't find the song, at least check out the lyrics, and I highly, highly reccomend the book. Like I said, it's one of my all-time favorites. Like, in the Top 5. And when you read as much as I do, that's serious shit.

Oddly enough....the two sections that apply to my situation, are the two quoted in the book...

"It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name,
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave you was hard love."

"So, I"ll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself, and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes, it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."

So...very, very true.
-Manda

O.O Sometimes I startle even me...

2006-07-27T07:21:00.000-05:00

Alright, now, anyone who knows me knows that my family is a bit on the wierd side in that we have clairvoyant abilities.

Mine basically stick within the realms of predicting things, reading people's thoughts, and having extreme empathy (feeling other's emotions)...

Sometimes I start to wonder if maybe I'm crazy and it's all in my head (I know it's not, but....people tell you that enough, and well...), but....there are subtle reminders. Like having dreamed about my Uncle's death two days before it happened (and having told my entire family about said dream....everyone remembers this, not just me.), having dreamed that my little brother broke some of my mother's precious things from her curio display cabinet and him doing so three days later, knowing what people are going to say, once telling a friend exactly what he was eating while we were chatting online (he lived in Tennessee, I was in Arkansas, we'd never met, I knew none of his food preferences), etc. I've proven my abilities to myself, and many others, time and time again, but sometimes it catches even me by surprise, because frankly, I don't really control it. (Yes, yes, I know, I sound fuckin' crazy...but just read...)

So....today...as Nirvana's "Something In The Way" was ending, I began to sing another song...Foo Fighters "The Best Of You"...no sooner had I sung "I've got another confession to make, I'm your--" does that exact song come on.

Now, mind you, there is no music at the beginning I could have heard and thought "Oh, that's..." it's just the dude's voice, and the song hadn't started yet, at all, PERIOD.

I have 125 songs on this playlist, and it's on SHUFFLE.

Yes, I know, it could be an odd coincidence, but I'm sorry, to me...that's just a tad bit beyond (-_-)

Anyways, I'm tired, and for some reason, I felt like that was worth blogging about.

-Manda

Hurrah!

2006-07-26T03:22:00.000-05:00

So....I'm working on pulling out the writing gloves once more. Of cours,e I've been working on my Fan-Fictions, because, you know, I can't just leave them unfinished, but lately I've been seriously contemplating working on an original piece.

But there are issues with that, of course. Things like, oh, I want my stories to reflect the kinds of things I'm interested in, or at least do things that I believe are worth reading about. Unfortunately, my world is a bit too taboo for the romance novel world. Bleh.

So, anyways, I'm working on writing a story that reflects the sort of things I find interesting, and trying to ignore the fact that it'll never be published. Heh.

I'm also planning on starting a "Writing" blog.....mostly to motivate my ass. Hurrah.

Anyways, here's something fun, fun, fun!

Yes, that's right, I made a South Park-esque version of me. I've wanted to for awhile, though I didn't expect there to be a generator for this sort of thing...I shoulda known better.

Anyways, if you want one of your own, go to SouthPark Studio's!

*yawns* Old episode's of Roseanne are on Nick @ Night, I have a tasty batch of quotes to jot into my quotes journal, and I've got many, many romance novels I need to finish plowing through.

*yawns* G'night, folksies.
-Manda

Could anything ever be this good again?

2006-07-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red,
Out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head,
Out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head,
Out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

*sigh* I haven't really written so much about my life as just thoughts lately 'cause I'm afraid of sounding too angsty, heh...

But...I feel like i need to get some things out, specifically where a certain ex of mine is concerned *coughReecough*

This song reminds me of a lot of things in my life, but lately it really really reminds me of him, but then again, so does pretty much everything. I guess that happens when you love someone and miss them.

I was reading through some of our old conversation's last night and it was really like having teeth pulled...

And then today I pulled out the letter he sent me with the package he sent me last April...

"Peche -

I love you dearly, Amanda. That's why I put this package together in the first place. That's also why I just couldn't stop adding to it. I want to give you the world...so I'll give you part of mine.

Enjoy with all the love I picked them with. I love you always. - Raven"

Why can't anything in my life ever be simple? Why do I have to fall for the most...offbeat people? Why can't anything ever just go the way I want it to -_-

*sigh*

Aishiteru yo, Tenshi-sama.

-Koishii, Peche, Manda

Greetings from Vacation-land!

2006-07-11T10:06:00.000-05:00

So, as I mentioned previously....I had two vacation's to go on, and I'm currently on the second one. (^-^) I'm visiting Phil in TX. Now, for brief background info...

I've known Phil since I was 13. We met in EQ during the last few weeks of my 8th grade school year. Yeah, lots has come and gone since then. Heh.

I came down to TX to visit our mutual friend Michael about 3 years ago, but I only got to see Phil for about an hour then. Heh.

So, yeah, I've been down here a few days and things are really cool. I was extremely nervous at first, 'cause Phil's like, one of my favorite people on earth, and my trip to see Michael went REALLY badly because of circumstances in his life, and I was petrified something similar would happen with Philip, but so far, things are going great. It's basically how I always pictured it, except I'm smarter now, thankfully. (Phil's a damned genius).

I've been being subjected to all kinds of good music (Phil is the one who turned me into a Grunge head originally, years and years ago when we met. Thank you, Philip!)

It's funny, because this feels like back then, except in person, ha.

If you're curious about things that went on back then, you can always go read my OpenDiary which I started a few months after meeting Phil, and it gives quite a few details about the past. (Click Here if you're curious. I can't really promise it's all that interesting, though, but if you're looking for past details about me, it's a great place to start.)

So, anyways....I'm not doing much other than vedging to music while Phil's at work and reading. I gotta admit, I'm kinda bored without him around, heh, go figure. I really should be playing Katamari Damacy, though. I need to beat it before I go home, heh. Awesome game. Horribly addictive.

Anyways, I'm having a great time. I'll probably be posting some lyrics or something here shortly. Wewt.

*Hugs*
Mandy

The Trippage

2006-07-04T17:15:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm a slack ass. I just really don't feel like typing up a whole entry about my trip, because, quite frankly, it all happened too fast, I'm tired...(I have been for awhile...I lost my medicine on the way back from St. Louis and I just....don't feel like much of anything) and just...yeah, so you're getting a copy & paste of my DevArt journal entry. So, here ya' go...

"Well, as you can tell, I'm back from vacation.

Though things didn't exactly go as planned, hehehe.

So, here's a brief overview of what went on:

Day 1 - Wednesday, June 21st - Leave around 7 pm. Pick up Justin on our way North-ward. Drive all night.

Day 2 - Thursday, June 22nd - Arrive in St. Louis around midnight. Get an AWESOME meal cooked for us by my Grama Nita & Grampa Larry (my step-dad's parents), even though it was super late. They rock. Get back on the road around 2 am. My flannel dissapears out of the blue, no trace of it in sight. Sometime around 6 am we hit Indianapolist, and my ass got lost there. We still have yet to find it. But, we found my flannel.

We reached Ohio around 1:00 pm and waited at Miss Chrissy's. (Miss Chrissy is my adopted-aunt who I've known FOREVER who is also one of my mom's nearest and dearest friends.) She got home around 3:30ish, which was waay later than she was suppose to. After she got home, we all hung out for a bit, then headed over to a wing place to have dinner. We had a bad ass time.

After dinner, we went back to her house and hung out a bit, then we headed over to my former step-dad, Mike's, house, which is where we were staying. (Yes, Mike is my lil brother Mikey's dad.)

We got there, settled in for the night, talked to Mike a bit, then Justin, Mikey, Adam, & I hung out in the basement and played games until we decided to go to sleep.

Day 3 - Friday, June 23rd, 2006 - Mom wanted to visit her friends in Greenville (where she grew up/ I was born), but I wasn't feeling up to it. So, Adam, Mikey, & I stayed with Mike.

We had a really good day together, and it was nice to relax for a bit. Trust me, in the days to come, I'd appreciate that relaxation, lol.

Day 4 - THE PARTY - Saturday, June 24th, 2006 - We got up around 7 amish, had breakfast, and then rushed off to get to Cranberry Park for the party. On the way, we got to go to a Drive-Through Dunkin' Donuts (sweeet). So, we got there at about 10 am and started decorating, la di da. And then around 1, people started showing up. It was an absolute fucking blast. Trying to describe just how awesome it was would take -eons-, so I'll post it in my blog soon. But, a few highlights were getting to see my mom's cousin, Jason's, little boys, Josh & Jordan, who, aren't so little anymore. Jason died back in October, and it was really nice to see how well the boys are doing. I also got to see my two favorite aunts -- Aunt Barb, my Grama's sister, and Aunt Donna, my Grama's little brother's wife. They are SO wonderful, and Aunt Donna gives THE best hugs. (Aunt Donna is Josh & Jordan's gramma who's been raising them for years.)

I also got to see my cousin, Woobz (Jay), who is like my brother. He moved to Utah to work at eBay, and yeah, I've really freakin' missed him, so it was so cool getting to hang with him. It was really awesome, he'd found this kickass game shop near the park, and so he, Justin (who's my best friend and Jay's), Adam, & I all piled in the Aztec and ran down there, and Woobz decided to buy the D&D Player's Manual as an early birthday present for Adam & I (^-^)

My boys! (^-^) My favorite men! Jay, Adam, & Justin. From shortest to tallest (^-^) Note: My other two favorite men couldn't/wouldn't be there. One's in Texas, and the other is in the Airforce, ROFL.

So, this is where the itinerary changed. I wanted to spend more time with Woobz, and so did Justin and everyone else. So we decided we'd miss most of Pridefest and hang out a bit more in PA, leave the next morning, and catch the end of it.

Well, we were all partying pretty hard at my Aunt Candy's that night. (Candy's my mom's cousin). 'Cept for me and my 2nd cousin, Hunter. The two of us hung out and talked and talked and talked all night while everyone else got drunk, lol. It turns out, he and I have a shit load in common. Which is funny because when we were little, he was the runt that we all kinda drug around. He annoyed us 'cause we had to take care of him, LOL. Now he's fuckin' rad. It's wierd, he and I are so much alike it blows my mind.

So, anyways, it was a very good night. Well, Adam had passed out early in the night in the Aztec..

Day 5 - Sunday, June 25th, 2006 -

Around 4 am, everyone but Justin, Jay, Hunter, & I had went to sleep. Around 5:30, Justin & Jay went to crash. Around 6, Hunter and I did the same. I went and passed out in the Aztec with Adam, lol.

A few hours later, Woobz was leaving to go visit his dad's side of the family, and we were going to leave. So, I hugged and kissed him goodbye, and that was that.

Then, we did our rounds of goodbye's with the family and we were on our way back to St. Louis---at this point, we were too late to make Pridefest, but you know what? That was A-Okay! We hit the game shop on our way out of town, since Adam & I still had $$ and we knew we wouldn't make Pridefest. Mom & Dan + Adam & I split the cost of the $40 Forgotten Realms Campaign Manual. I also got a full set of dice! My first full-set ever!! (^-^)

Me picking through the dice at the Game Shop! (^-^) So much fun!

We hit St. Louis way late (looong drive), so they'd postponed Floydfest until Monday. No problems there.

Day 6 - Monday, June 26th, 2006 - We woke up and ate breakfast. Then Grama Nita & Grampa Larry (my step-dad, Dan's parents) asked if we'd like to go to the St. Louis Science Center. Of course, we said yes.

So, we went, woohoo!! We didn't have a whole lot of time to look around 'cause we only had two hours, and there was a special exhibit known as the Lego Mind Storms that Me, Justin, Mikey, & Adam wanted to take part in, soooo, we only had an hour to gawk, then we had to get over to Mind Storms. Well, when we got there, we found out that it wasn't what we thought (^-^) It turns out, Lego Mind Storms is a program where you put together a Logo Robot then program it! (^_^) It was SO cool.

Justin & Mikey were on a team and Adam & I were on one as well. All together, there were 4 teams.

Our robot's job was to clean up "trash", and whoever cleaned up the most trash from their ant hill in 2 minutes won each little competition.

Well, Round 1 was Mikey & Justin vs Adam & I. We won! (^-^)

Round 2 was Adam & I vs another team, and we tied (-_-)

It was awesome!

Then we had to head home.

We went home and hung out for a bit, and Grama asked me if I'd like to participate in her Bible Study group that night. I said sure, so she gave me her book to look over the material and whatnot. Then she ordered pizza and we chowed down, then we had the Bible study. It was really, really awesome!! (^-^) It was one of the most comfortable experiences with Christianity I have yet to experience :)

Then we had Floydfest! It started out pretty spiffy, 'cept mom was sick (she got sick on the way home from the Sci center). But, the DVD we were watching had a glitch, and we switched DVD's...it got kind of boring after that, but it was still cool.

Day 7 - Tuesday, June 27th, 2006 - As I woke up, I heard Dan mentioning that Laurell K. Hamilton, the author of the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series (my favorite author, btw), was doing a book signing in St. Louis because it was the release of the 14th Anita Blake book, and Laurell is from St. Louis (the series also takes place there). So, Dan said he wanted to go (he's the one who got our family into the series, and he like, lives at her website), and OBVIOUSLY I wanted to go, but we were out of cash and I was bumming that I wouldn't be able to buy a book to get signed.

So, later we're hanging out making D&D characters, and Grampa asked if we wanted to go to the Zoo---PSH! Like we WOULDN'T!

So, off to the St. Louis zoo! (^-^) Well, once again, it was me and the boys doing our own little group and then the adults going off with Genevieve & Hannah (Dan's sister's little girls). Well, Grampa gave us 40 bucks to buy train tickets and food and whatnot, but being us...we all decided to just conserve our cash and buy souveneirs!

So, we mapped out a fun route to take to see everything we really wanted to see, which included Mongeese, Bushdogs, Hippo's, PENGUINS, etc. (No Panda!) Well, on our route, I saw someone with a Build-A-Bear box, and Justin asked the lady for me where she got it. It turns out, the zoo has a shop called the "Build-A-Bear Workship At The Zoo" that has zoo exclusive animals!! (^-^) So, of course, we had to have one. So, Mikey & I put our cash together (Adam had spent his to buy me a little stuffed panda), and bought a stuffed tiger! We also got him a little T-Shirt that had the "Fragile Forest" exhibit logo on it, with the St. Louis zoo logo on the sleeve. We named him Demetri (^-^)

Well, by the time we got out of the Build-A-Bear, it was time to go, so we rushed back to our meeting spot and we left. The great thing is, the zoo is free, so we can go back to see everything else whenever we want! (^-^)

Well, we got home and had dinner, and I was still debating whether or not to go to the signing. Mom had said she'd talk to Dan about letting me get a paperback of "Guilty Pleasures" (the first Anita book) to get signed, so I had the opportunity to get a book signed. Well, at the end of dinner, Dan & Michael (his brother) were leaving to go to the signing, and Dan asked me if I was doing. I was mid-bite in a Chili dog and I don't know what made me decide to go, but I said "Yeah, let me finish this real quick!" I stuffed it into my mouth and vroomed off, dragging my camera, Mp3 player, and Adam in tow.

We got to the Barnes & Nobles at 8-ish. The place was PACKED >.< Well, I was standing around gawking and Dan walks over to me and hands me a hardback copy of Guilty Pleasures! (^_^) I grinned and was like "If you weren't my step-dad, I'd kiss you!" and Adam's like "Well give him a hug!" and I was like "Oh, I can do that!" and I glomped him, buahaha.

Dan said as far as he was concerned, if it was getting signed, it should be hardback. WEWT! (^-^)

So.....five hours later...at ONE IN THE MORNING, we FINALLY get to see Laurell. (They had a waiting-list type system with color coated wristbands of sorts, and we were waaay last.)

I was so damn nervous, and I even mentioned that to the guy that was standing next to her (it turns out that's her husband. I didn't know, Dan told me later), and he asked why. And I said "Because, she's my idol. I want to be a writer and she's like my Goddess!"

Laurell was like "Whoooah, no no, no god-heading." And I was like "Well, I don't mean the whole worship-thing, you're just everything I want to be!"

Well, Dan asked if we could get a picture with her, and we did, which was so freakin' cool.

Dan & I with Laurell K. Damn camera makes me look horrible. You can't even see that like, half my hair is down and framing my face, lol. BUT STILL! It's the point that counts!

And as I was leaving, I shook her hand and told her it was an honor to meet her, and she said "Good luck, and just, ya' know, believe in yourself!"

I literally danced out of B&N even though I was hurting SO bad from sitting on the B&N floor/walking around for hours. Well, when we got outside, I started walkin' backwards in the parking lot and was talking to Dan who was walking behind us and I was like "Have I ever told you I love you? I loved you before, but I really, really, really love you right now!"

Definately a bonding moment with Dan & I (^-^)

When I got in the car, I finally took a look inside my book...

"To Amanda - Good luck on your writing! - Laurell K. H. 6/27/2006".

(^-^)

To say the very least: It was one hell of a vacation.

P.S. I'll scan Laurell K's sig from my book soon and get it posted, as well as pictures of Demetri, my dice, and my Journey DVD."

In other news....I'm going to Phil's this Friday. I'm kinda....losin' it.

-_- Time flies when you're alive

2006-06-16T16:17:00.000-05:00

So...I've been doing a lot of thinking about time, which isn't real surprising considering that not only am I about to go visit my Mom's side of the family for the first time in eight years (and I'm not talking my immediate family, I'm talking great aunts, great uncles, mom's cousins, etc.), I'm headed to Pridefest again, and after that, I'm going to spend some time with Phil in Texas.

Now, let's revise here.

Eight years since I've seen the majority of my family. That alone spells "holy fuck, time flies." We moved to Arkansas when I was 10. Now, the three years between that and meeting Philip, Michael, and my other friends seemed like a fairly long time. I went from being a kid to a miniature woman in my mind.

Five years later, and I'm still friends with those guys, and the time has flown so quickly it's not even funny. Shit, I've been with Adam for three years this August. I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

The older you get, the quicker it goes. It it some kind of ploy by God to screw with our heads, or what? Is it because we see everyone growing up around us and don't realize that we, ourselves, are growing up in the process?

I mean, sometimes I sit back and think "Wow, my friends have come a long way", and then I look at myself and go "Wait a minute, so have I."

One of the most enlightening experiences for me is going back and reading my old OpenDiary. I started it about two months after I met Philip, Michael, & Nick on EQ, and it's fucking scary to look back at me as a scared, psychotic little 13 year old.

Don't get me wrong, life still intimdates me, I'm still psychotic, and I've only grown a whole two inches in five years, but there are so many differences.

I'm more jaded, less innocent, sadly. And yet, I act less uptight and less mature, because I realized: I don't have to be thirty as a teenager. I have full rights to fuck off and do my thing, because it's my life and nobody else's.

It's really quite peculiar. But, anyways..

The point is...it just kind of dawns on me now and then how far my friends have come, how far I've come. How different life can be.

Is it a good thing? I think so. I'm definately a much happier person than I was at 13. Given, I've still got issues. I still have deppression. But, there is one thing that I no longer doubt: That I have people that love me.

My friends are still my friends after years of drama, distance, and bullshit. Adam still loves me after almost three years of living with me day-in-and-day-out. My mom and I have walked through hellacious shit together, and come out as better people, and closer than ever.

At the end of the day, I may have my issues, and time may fly, but I have people who love me. And that is something I never would have learned without lots and lots of time.

Is it just me

2006-06-05T16:40:00.000-05:00

Or does everything in life turn out the way you least expected it to?

>.< I can't really explain what I'm talking about, but trust me when I say that life scares me.

-Manda

<3 Chrno Love <3

2006-05-27T08:32:00.000-05:00

Chrno Crusade is Demon Love

Couldn't resist. Saw it and was like "OMFG!!! CHRNO!!!" I'm probably going to make my own here shortly once I start managing to nab screen caps (^-^)

Yes, I know....not much of an entry...but what can I say, it was short and easy and didn't take brainpower.....so it was a do-able entry.

Wewt.

-Manda

Chrno Crusade

2006-05-12T10:32:00.000-05:00

So...something I didn't mention was that while we were at the store the day I met Lucky (the aforementioned new friend)....my mom bought Chrno Crusade: The Complete Collection.

Now...everyone's been watching it with no courtesy for the rest of us who don't want to hear everything going on without actually being able to watch, so I knew vague details. Very vague...

The night before last, Adam & I finally sat down to watch it. He passed out during Episode 11. I stayed up 'till 6 am watching the entire series. \\(<.<|>.>)//

And: Wow.

Not only is it competing with Cowboy Bebop for my "Shortest Spectacular Anime Series" Award, it's also competing with Naruto & Bebop for my "Favorite Overall Anime" Award.

This is saying a lot considering I've been watching Naruto for almost a year and a half now and have been thoroughly addicted to it, and Bebop was one of the first non-Americanized-to-hell Anime's I ever watched. (I love Trigun as well, but I haven't seen nearly as much...yet).

But seriously, if it's running along as possibly my favorite Anime, this should tell you something: It's that good (>.>)

Seriously, if anyone stumbles upon this and they HAVEN'T seen it...you MUST. It's an order. I don't care how you get your hands on it, you have to see it. Now, mind you, the version I saw was dubbed. I'm very interested in getting my hands on the Subtitled versions, but that might be awhile.

The point is, I'm obsessed. I'm going to be reading the Manga as soon as I finish off the series' I'm already working on (DearS, Princess Ai, Psychic Academy, Trigun Maxiumum). Though frankly, I wanna read the Manga NOW...but I already know the basis of the story, so it would be pretty redundant to spend near or over 100 dollars on the series when there are other series that are piping my curiosity that I haven't finished...though frankly, I'm turning into a rabid Chrno Crusade Otaku. (^-^)

Honestly though, people. Show Chrno some love. It's worth it. I promise.

~Manda

Holy shit!

2006-05-03T03:48:00.000-05:00

Something interesting might actually make it in here for a change! O.O

Let me explain...now, first of all, laugh, because I should have posted about this as soon as I got home yesterday, but I was too psyched to even think about it at first, and then I got drug to the new arcade in Flippin for hours.

Anyways, to the point:

I made a friend. I met someone who's _so_freaking_much_like_me_it's_frightening_ IN ARKANSAS. Yes, that's right boys and girls: I met someone who is under the age of 30, isn't a close-minded freaking nutter, shares all of my favorite interests, and who doesn't live so far away that it takes a serious road trip or a plane ticket to visit! O.O

It's amazing what can happen in the Manga Section at Hasting's, ROFL. Here I am just checking stuff out with Mom, Mikey, & Adam...and I meet the coolest person ever. (^_^)

She also has the most awesome name. She's just downright rawr.

Anyways, I would say more, but I don't wanna talk too much about her in case it would bug her =P

But yeah, she rocks. I'm so lucky. *winks*

~Manda

AIYA!!!

2006-04-29T17:22:00.000-05:00

So, somehow, over half of my blog's layout dissapeared. I'm not sure when this happened, but I noticed it today and immediately set out on fixing it. *sigh* So many things went missing....

Codes were mixed up (Like my BlogShare's code, so now I have to go try to reclaim it..), and various other things. I'm ready to pull my bloody hair out. I have no idea how this could have happened...

*sigh* Oh well, all I can do is keep working on it over time to make it better and better and hope I fixed everything.

Hopefully I'll have some Meme's up today....no garuntees, though. I should really be studying, but....we all know my feelings on studying.

So anyways...

I'm going to go work on some stuff, hopefully all is fixed and well.
~Manda

There are things that irriate me...

2006-04-29T03:14:00.000-05:00

And then there are things that downright horrify me.

A 17 year old girl in Indiana was tricked into entering a "Crisis Pregnancy Center" which shared it's parkinglot with a Planned Parenthood clinic. The socalled "Crisis Pregnancy Center" was owned by an Anti-Abortion group who took the girls personal information, pretended to make her an appointment which she would go to at their "other office", and then turned this poor girls life into a nightmare.

When she went to the real Planned Parenthood clinic, which they "CPC" claimed was their "other office", they, obviously, had no record of any appointment, and the police were also at the center, because the "CPC" had told them that the girl was being forced to have an abortion!

These people harassed this girl by coming to her home, calling her father's work, encouraging student's at her school to discourage her from having an abortion, and so on and so forth, until this poor girl was afraid to leave her house.

That's a vilation of privacy and of this girls rights as an American Citizen. This poor girl was already in a world of trauma, because I'm sorry, there are very few people who can go through an abortion without a care in the world, let alone being a teenager facing such a choice, and these people abused her mentally and emotionally ontop of what she was going through. I'm sorry, but that's NOT a loving, kind approach. Peaceful protests, fine. It's your right to speak your mind....but...that kind of thing should be illegal. False advertising, HULLO!

I can only imagine what that poor girl must have went through, as I've been in a somewhat similar situation, though for different reasons...but.....

My heart goes out to her, and I hope that any of you reading this will join me in doing everything we can to help ensure that things like this are prevented in the future. Please visit http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/fakeclinics to find out what you can do to help.

(Please note, I found out about this through a PP Action Alert Email, so I don't have a newspaper source, but I'm sure you can find the story on their website).

Hopefully this will help in some small way.

*sigh* This...is one of the reasons I go balistic about the world around me...it hurts so badly to know that this kind of thing is allowed. =(

~Manda

One more day, that's it.

2006-04-27T16:54:00.000-05:00

Great news, people's! (^-^) One more day of college before school is out for the summer! (^_^) Monday, May 1st, is my only day left of school: my last day of Finals! Yaye for only attending school 2 days a week (and NOT being penalized for it!) and for only having one more day! Once it's done and over with, I'll have the time to really sit down and bust out the things I want to do. Now, why couldn't I do that with school in session? It's fairly simple.....

Monday's & Wednesdays were spent doing school shit. Sundays & Tuesdays were spent studying. Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were spent studying or stressing about school, and trying to cram other things in.

Inevitably: I spent more time stressing about school than I spent in class >.<

SO! I will have approximately 3 and 1/2 Months of Freedom!!! =D

Now, let's just all pray I passed Chemistry or I'm really going to have the fact that I sold my book back for only 30 bucks =P

There is quite a bit I want to do, from playing DDR every day to drawing, to reading more Manga, watching more Anime.....getting the RO server up and running...there's plenty to do, so I definately won't be bored. Woot.

Anyways, I'm playing DDR with the boys so I'm going to head out.

Toodlies.

Poor bloggy!!

2006-04-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

My poor bloggy...it's so lonely! I've been neglecting it =( Poor dear *huggles it* I'll take care of you more, I promise, poor baby...

sigh

2006-04-08T01:33:00.000-05:00

So, I've been slacking on the whole blogging thing. Bad me =( Stupid school has to make me so busy. *sigh* I'm going to start making more time for my bloggy, though. I really don't like leaving it so barren. Meh.

Shit.

2006-04-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

Alright, anybody who knows me knows that I'm a Google Loyalist. Now, let me explain....

When I first started out on the computer, I was a Hotmail loyalist....which inadvertantly made me a MSN Loyalist. That didn't last. I ended up enjoying Yahoo quite a bit more, though I kind of boycotted Yahoo because I felt it was too comercialized and "everybody used it". (As a matter of fact, for 4 years, I would not use Google because someone had told me it was owned by Yahoo).

I, of course, had a Yahoo email account (not sure why, to be honest). But, then Adam came into my life and I started actually bothering to use YIM! (I'd already had it on my comp, I just didn't use it).

Mind you my IM program of choice had *always* been AIM. I had MSN because everyone else did and I wanted to talk to my friends. Same with Yahoo.

So anyways....once Adam came into my world, I'd started using Google more and more, and really falling in love with them. I'd long since gotten rid of my Hotmail account to get more space with a Yahoo account, but that turned out to be too limited as well, and then came GMail....

I wanted an invite desperately...and I'd heard rumours that Google had bought Blogger and were giving Blogger users Gmail invites...that's when I started using Blogger again, and I'm damned glad I did. No, I never got a Gmail invite from it, but I freaking love the customization available through Blogger and it is, IMO, the best Blogging service out there.

I was permanently in love with Google.

I have the Google Pack. I go to Google Labs on a daily basis to look for new toys. I use Google Groups. I just found out about Google Cloud and I'm playing with it.

I mean, if it's Googleish, damnit, I must have it!!!

(I know HTML, as my blog layout shows...and yet I still signed up to try out Google Pages, because it was Google!)

I have a fanatical obsession with running things in "sets". The more Google toys I have, the better I feel. It's a wierd obsession, lol...

So...what's the problem?

Everyone's been talking about Flickr. I've heard so much good about it, it's not even funny. Now, I happily use Photobucket. It's functional, it works well, etc.

But...but Flickr has cool toys to put on your webpage....and...and all the Blogger's are doing it...and...

To be honest, I can't tell you why I finally signed up a Flickr account. I just felt I *needed* to do so. So, I did. And frankly, I'm really impressed. As photo storage and sharing, I think they're definately a head above the rest. Now, for my pixel art storage & hosting, Photobucket, hands down, is my choice.

But with Flickr....I accidentally found something. A site that has a shit load of toys for Flickr users...

One of which is a Yahoo Widget.

It looked so cool....I wrestled for several days: Do I betray Google and get this newfangled program by Yahoo? Or...do I stand my ground and stay Google-True.

Inevitably, I betrayed Google. I got the Widget program. I thought I'd try it, not like it, and delete it.

But after 20 minutes, I'm already going "omfg omfg TOYSSSSSS!"

>.< It's not nearly as fantastic as my newfound Firefox extension experience....but then again, I haven't downloaded many Widget's yet.

*shudders* Who knows what will happen. I know I won't give up my Gmail account. It's simple, sweet, and has an assload of space. I know I won't give up Google Talk because it's low maintenence, uses very little space, and is what Adam and I generally use to talk to eachother without anyone hearing us when we're in my mom's place.

But what about Picasa? It's photo organizing qualities are amazing....and I can blog directly from it...

But what about my Flickr photo's? Wouldn't Picasa make that service obsolete?

But, but Flickr has cool toys! And I really, really like things that work in sets.....

Google Toy Set...

Yahoo Toy Set....

Which to choose? Use both? Pick and choose?

*sigh* The dilemma's of being a net geek.

*whimpers*

Forgive me, Google.

Friday MeMe's

2006-03-31T22:39:00.000-06:00

Friday Fandango:
The results of a 2.4 million dollar research study done to determine the "healing power of prayer" were recently published on the internets. Because of decades long research that went into this study, we now know that prayer has "no effect" on heart bypass surgery patients.

Here is the question: If you were on the committee that determines what research projects get funded, what would you choose to spend the 2.4 MILLION dollars on?

A. I would have still chosen this project to calculate the "healing power of prayer."

B. Finding a cure for AIDS.

C. Finding a cure for Cancer.

D. Other.. (please note in your comment)

[On my own note: I read about this study on Reuters Oddly Enough before I saw it on Fandango, and I was really disturbed by it. The more I think about it, the more heartbroken it makes me. Also, I chose B because, while cancer is devestating and I hope we find a cure for it just as quickly as AIDS, cancer doesn't "spread" from one person to another, and frankly, I believe that cancer has a lot more treatment's available than AIDS, and also, whereas cancer can go into remission or outright dissapear, AIDS is forever right now.]

Friday Five:

When you were little what was your favorite TV show? Fresh Prince of Bel Air

What was your favorite movie? The Little Mermaid

What is your favorite TV show currently? The L Word

What is the best movie you have seen so far this year? The Corpse Bride (but I havent seen Brokeback Mountain, yet. So keep that in mind.)

If someone was going to make a movie or TV show about your life, who would play you and why? Rosie O'Donnell, because she is an amazing actress who can capture everything from disturbingly happy to extremely caring and comforting to pissed off beyond all reason. I honestly do not think anybody BUT Rosie could play me.

Top 5 On Friday - Week 65 (Wishlist Edition)
Top 5 albums you wished you had in your collection (If you want, tell us why you want these albums)

Melissa Etheridge - Yes, I Am.
Journey - Frontiers
Nirvana - Unplugged In New York
Steve Perry - Greatest Hits
The Goo Goo Dolls - Live In Buffalo

Friday Feast:
Feast Eighty Seven

Appetizer: Name 3 things that you think are strange. A better question would be "Name 3 Things You Dislike", because, frankly, nothing is strange anymore

Soup: What was the last ceremony you attended? My cousin's wedding in 2002.

Salad: What is one lesson you have learned in the past year? Don't pass up a good thing, because in time, you will regret it more than you can imagine.

Main Course: Tell us about one of your childhood memories. I can still remember driving along with my mom when I was around five. She told me that it is okay to make mistakes, because everybody does and if you're truly sorry, it's forgivable. But when you make the same mistake over and over again, then it becomes unforgivable.Those have been some of the most important words in my life.

Dessert: If you could extend any of the four seasons to be twice as long as normal, which season would you want to lengthen? I really like Spring, but it's also tornado season and I am terrified of tornadoes. So, Fall. (If I am not in Tornado Alley, that is. If I am, then Winter would be the one that I would extend).

Top 5 Friday:
What are your Top 5, all time favorite pizza toppings?

A Special Sausage that only Wal-Mart Deli Pizzas have
Tomatoes
Green Peppers
Mushrooms
Onions

T.G.I.F.

What song can always make you shed a tear or two when you hear it? Melissa Etheridge - Tuesday Morning

What song can always get your feet tappin and your hips sawyin when you hear it?
What movie can always make you cry when you watch it? Armageddon & Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith

What movie can always make you laugh out loud when you watch it? Pirates of the Carribean

What book brought you to tears more than any other that youve read? Nicholas Sparks - A Walk To Remember (Every time I have ever read it. And that's over 18 times)

Illustration Friday:
Theme: Spring

Idiot of The Day

2006-03-30T20:57:00.000-06:00

Let's Meet Our Idiot Of The Day, Shall We? Her name is: Debra Maggart.

And not only does she make ridiculous assumptions (which we all know what assuming leads to...), but the woman tries to make up facts.

"In the e-mail with the Vanderbilt student, Maggart said research shows most homosexual couples have numerous emotional dysfunctions and psychological issues that may not be healthy for children."

Hrmm....and who's putting out these statistics Miss Maggart? Could it be such reputible and unbias sources as "Focus On The Family"? Oh, wait, *depresses her sarcasm button* Now then..

Let's go to some truly unbias organizations that have America's Children's Best Interest's at heart and have no political agenda, shall we?

Here are just a few of the institutions that support Same-Sex Parenting/Adoption:
* American Psychological Association
* Child Welfare League of America
* American Psychiatric Association
* National Association of Social Workers
* North American Council on Adoptable Children
* American Academy of Pediatrics

Click Here For More.

If there's so much evidence showing that Gay & Lesbian parents will molest their children and are apparently sooo unstable, Miss Maggart, then why in the HELL would the Child Welfare League, National Assocation of Social Works, and North American Council on Adoptable Children be supporting same-sex parenting, hrmm? Why in the world would these orginzations that are built on protecting children and putting them in good homes be supporting something that could be detrimental to them?

Not to mention, would you dare claim that any organization does more research on mental health than the American Psychiatric Assocation?

You're a lawyer who managed to get elected because of your narrow minded views. You know nothing about medicine, psychiatry, or homosexuality.

If you were to do some real research, you'd find that the most likely cantidate to molest a male child is a heterosexual male who is married, widowed, divorced, or living with some kind of partner. (Click Here and Here for sources.)

So...should we close adoption off to heterosexuals? Or better yet, sterilize every man in the world?

That's right. Shut up.

Alright...a couple of things...

2006-03-29T17:13:00.000-06:00

#1 - I have a new Nephew. My cousin gave birth to Charles Jay Hogg this afternoon via C-Section :) (^_^) Welcome to the world, baby C.J.!

#2 - I will never watch anything that relate's to World War II again so long as I live. Never. Again. DAMN US HISTORY FROM 1876!! DAMNIT TO THE BLOODY PITS OF MY MIND!!

#3 - We had an absolutely rad discussion about censorship today in Sociology :) Woot. We got into how everything from banning abortion to the refusal of giving a woman her birth control prescription is censorship and that the question is "Where do you draw the line between too much censorship and not enough?"

I, personally, think censorship is a really, really bad thing. Now, I understand censoring the KKK from lynching people, but telling the klan that they can't have their monthly meetings to sit and bash people is absurd, that's like saying I shouldn't be able to walk down the street holding hands with someone of the same sex.

In my opinion, though, the absolute epitome of disgusting censorship at the moment is South Dakota. What in the HELL is wrong with their governor? Or, better yet, Senator Bill Napoli.

If I were a citizen of South Dakota, I would be denied an abortion if I became pregnant via rape. Why? Because I wasn't a virgin before the rape.

This son of a bitch thinks that a woman would need to be "brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religous. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying the child could verywell threaten her life."

......how ridiculous is that? "Brutally" raped? Rape is brutal, whether you're beaten to hell and back or just held down and made to spread your legs, rape is brutal. It is traumatizing beyond all fathomable concept.

Religion. I have to have religion to be allowed to choose whether or not I bear the child of a man who took me against my will. What religion? Would a Wiccan Witch be considered religous by Asswipe McDickhead's standards?

I have to be a virgin. Hrm, let's think about this for a minute. So simply because I've chosen to make love to a man before....or a woman for that matter (depends on how this fuck defines virgin)....if someone takes me against my will, it is my responsibility to bear his child, simply because I've had consensual sex before?

What if I'm married? Hrmm? What if I'm not a virgin then, but I waited until marriage to give myself to my husband?

It amazes me just how stupid humanity can be. I mean, holy shit, this one just blew me away.

All I can say is: If this is going to become the national standard by which a woman must follow to have an abortion, then hot damn, VIVA LA CANADA!!!!

(Thanks to MediaGirl for keeping me updated.)

And, once again, the Blogosphere beats regular news...

2006-03-29T07:29:00.000-06:00

I keep the radio in my bedroom on non-stop. Kind of like my Desktop Weather program is on non-stop. I have a severe fear of storms because of the possibility of tornadoes, sooo....yeah, you get it.

Anyways.....my favorite station is actually syndicated except for in the mornings, Monday through Friday. We have a guy named Josh Hall who has been doing the "McDonalds Breakfast Bunch" since I was in Junior High. (Maybe longer....I just wasn't listening before 7th grade...but ever since, yeah, so anyways! I'm use to waking up with this guy every day for the last like, bazillion years).

Anyways this morning, just as I'm waking up, he starts talking about Skyler Bartels little Hotel WalMart experience. (Which, mind you, I knew about this several days ago because I read it in a friend of Skyler's blog that I just happened to wonder into through BlogClicker.)

*snickers* And I'm just like "HA! Josh! Beat you! For once I knew about something funky and unusual before you! Neeenerrneeeener neeeener." It actually helped to prompt me to get out of bed.

Rawr. I win. Go Bloggers.

(P.S. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, see my post from several days ago: Proof That College Students Own..

And also...DesMoines Register - Spring Break at WalMart.)

I honestly was pretty impressed...Josh is usually all over the funky and unusual, it's why I have a crush on him. Ha. (^-^)

Just when you thought...

2006-03-27T23:08:00.000-06:00

it couldn't get any wierder.

Alrighty then, so....for those of you who are new to my blog or don't know...

My former step-father, my little brother Mikey's dad, got stuck with his ex girlfriend's vehicle, a Pontiac Aztec, because he co-signed for it. He couldn't afford the child support and the payments on the Aztec, and BEGGED Mom to take the Aztec for a few months to help him out in exchange for the child support, but he promised to send $50 dollars a month, as well.

This was in August. We STILL have the Aztec. Mom's been asking him to take it back since she GOT IT. He got back with his ex girlfriend and she got another Aztec!!!!!!! He's now telling Mom that SHE Has to find a way to get it back to him and pay for her plane ticket home (To Arkansas) FROM OHIO where he lives! He's also telling her that he's going to look at how many miles were put on the Aztec and figure out what to pay her in child support from that.

Mind you, the man makes enough to pay a $2,000 dollar a month HOUSE PAYMENT, and yet the most he has EVER PAID in child support is $400 dollars because Mom is too nice. Under Arkansas State Law, he should be paying OVER 800 dollars in child support, but Mom never went to child support enforcement.

Well, she's going to now and she's making him take the car back ASAP. (He's suppose to be paying 200 a month now in child support, and he refuses to.)

Well, guess what....Mike's other son, Jimmy, stole the Aztec awhile back before Mom got it.....and apparently: It was never removed from America's Crime List of Stolen Vehicles after the Sharon County Police department brought it back to Mike (that's the ex-step dad, mind you).

And tonight, my cousin was driving the Aztec to the hospital 'cause she's in labor, she was pulled over, the car was towed and impounded, and it was marked as stolen.

Mom now has to pay the impound fees to get it out and has been calling all over trying to get it all straightened out.

But even though it was a police department error....Mom's screwed and has to pay the fees.

She doesn't even want this vehicle: WTFUXORZ!!!

About Me

2006-03-27T22:38:00.000-06:00

(I'm trying to streamline my blog a little more, so I'm putting my About Me in here to make it look better!)

Name: Amanda
Nic-name/Alias: Matdredalia, Manda, Mandy, Katiandra, Koishii, Amane, Ammy
Age: 18
Birthday: September 7th, 1987
Sex: Female/Bisexual/Polyamorous
Occupation: College Student At Arkansas State University - Mountain Home
Location: Arkansas, United States

Interests: Reading, writing, singing, music, webdesign, photography, all types of visual art, anime, manga, Human Rights, GLBT Rights, Womens Rights

Favorite Music: Journey, Lifehouse, Nirvana, Melissa Etheridge, REO Speedwagon, Styx, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morisette, Ani DiFranco, Jewel, Alix Olson, Tori Amos, Michelle Branch, Billie Meyers, lots more.

Favorite Books: That Takes Ovaries - Edited by Rivka Solomon, A Seperate Peace by John Knowles, The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger, Early Embraces - Edited by Lindsey Elder, Time Enough For Drums by Ann Rinaldi, A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks, The Last Silk Dress by Ann Rinaldi, The Bastard Series by John Jakes, Smothering by Wendy French, Fat Girls and Lawn Chairs by Cheryl Peck

Favorite Movies: Sleepy Hollow, Runaway Bride, My Best Friends Wedding, The Matrix Series, Sleepy Hollow, Pirates of the Carribean, Harry Potter 1 & 2, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Favorite TV-Shows: The L Word, Everwood, Smallville, Family Guy, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Favorite Games: EverQuest, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 4, Final Fantasy 6, World of WarCraft, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Favorite Anime: Naruto, Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z, Vision of Escaflowne, Castle in The Sky, Princess Mononoke, Trigun

Favorite Manga: Chobits, Dramacon, Naruto, Psychic Academy

Favorite "Toys": Clip board, pens, books, Paint Shop Pro 7, Digital Camera, computer, pencil, sketchpad, paint, paintbrush, clay

Most Prized Posession: Outside of human beings: My books & my computer. My computer because it's how I communicate with the outside world and because it's where all of my pixel-artwork is.

Proof that College Students own.

2006-03-27T13:44:00.000-06:00

First: CLICK HERE!

Now then......that. takes. balls! Not to mention the fact that the sociological aspect of it tickles me pink.

Seriously, though. I don't know anybody who hasn't though "What would it be like to just live in *insert a store name here*?" Whether it be the mall, JC Penny's, Wal Mart, whatever. But this guy SERIOUSLY DID IT!

Wal-Mart: The best alternative to Motel 6 you can find.

*Giggles*

Anyways, I'm going to shut up now, but I had to share that, lol.

Oh, if you want, Click Here to go to Skyler's blog.

Khehee. Good stuffs.

~Manda

Sigh When it rains it pours...

2006-03-25T03:38:00.000-06:00

So...the past few days have been, how shall I say this? A fucking nightmare.

I found out today that Mom was pregnant. She hadn't told any of us because she wasn't sure and she was nervous.

The reason we (we being Adam, myself, Dan, Gram, and two people I trust very closely, and two of Mom's good friends) now know is because Mom miscarried the baby this morning .

While I haven't been looking to have another brother or sister, it's still devestating and I still would have loved the child as much as my other siblings: With all my heart and soul.

Mom already had a name picked out if the baby had been a girl...she was going to name her Emma, after my Great Grandmother.

Sure, she wasn't looking to get pregnant, and another baby was not something she needed, but that doesn't matter. It still hurts like hell.

And of course, there are other things happening, but none that are even close to as catastrophic as this. And it's sad because here, I thought, life was reaching it's peak of "give Manda a fucking massive break down" activities, but, of course, I had to be wrong.

It always gets worse. *sigh*

Maybe Mom and Dan will actually try to have a baby after this, I dunno. I just love them and wish I could make this all go away...

*sigh*
~Manda

O.O I'm a Net Snob.

2006-03-23T05:37:00.000-06:00

I've decided that I'm a techno snob. While I don't have a whole lot of money for buying gadgets and gizmo's (though I'll be damned if I don't have a cell phone before I turn 20!), I do like the technology I have to be extremely advanced. My computer is for all intents and purposes teh fucking roxors for the money I spent and is 150% what I need. It does everything I need it to, and it does it beautifully.

Then we have the real reason I believe I'm a snob: I want the best program for whatever the hell I am doing. Period. And I will search and root around the available resources and pick and choose until I get the exact build of what I like.

For example....I did very little surfing outside of GaiaOnline, Blogger, & Gmail for a very long time. Therefore, Internet Explorer served it's purpose, and it served it well.

Of course I'd seen buttons over the past year or so talking about "Best Viewed in Firefox", "Switch to Firefox", "No More IE", etc. I just snickered at the little nerdy snobs, because while I'm a nerd.....I wasn't a snob, or so I thought.

Then I got heavier and heavier into Gaia. Can we say "addict"? Well, I ended up having a mule --- or two. And I ended up getting Firefox for it's awesome Gaia Online toolbars! So....I used Firefox almost exclusively for Gaia......

But when I got my new PC....I was reinstalling Firefox & my Gaia Toolbars, and I descovered the wonderful world of Firefox extensions. *drooooools*

Around the same time, my computer became so submerged in spyware that I couldn't even open an IE browser without 30 popups coming up.....ON A BRAND NEW, FRESHLY BUILT COMPUTER!!!!! O.O

So, reformatting here we go. Yippee.

I did it, it worked. Voila....and I decided by then that I wanted to use Firefox more and maybe change over permanently....and I noticed something....when I didn't use IE...no spyware. But any time I used IE for more than roughly 10 minutes, or visited more than a page or two, boom, the next time I ran Ad-Aware, it caught spyware.

*cough* Can we say "I finally understand what security leaks my friends have been talking about"?

So....then I got more extensions, more, more more! And I decided to surf more...and find more software....and more features.....and now I'm so submerged in my computer, I'm ready to squeel in delight. Firefox quite literally made me love the internet again. For awhile, I would only be online for a few hours a day...and it was all Gaia time. Maybe some EverQuest with Adam, but that was it. Now I actually am visiting pages I never thought to visit, I'm wanting to take a more active part in the world wide web. I'm building a website again. I'm considering publicizing my blog more, OR starting a less personal, more political blog and publicizing it.

I feel like I'm connected to the world again....

And the more connected I get, the more software I get, and the more "woot"-like I want that software to be. For example..

Social Bookmarking is a new craze. One that I actually think is a very awesome concept. But the are more social bookmarking sites than you can shake a stick at, and each one I find is a little cooler than the next. So....what am I doing? Getting several that seemed appealing, and deciding which one I like best and which one has the most toys...

Then there's my addiction to any new toy Google has busted out with....including their new Page Builder, even though it's pretty simplistic. (It's entertainment, and I have a pretty spiffy idea of what to do with it....what could be wrong with that?)

(^_^) Yaye for technogeekness. It makes me giddy.

~Manda

Next To You

2006-03-18T15:35:00.000-06:00

Here I sit all on my own
Broken hearted, once again
I called you up, but you're not home
Out with your lover, or your friends

But maybe somehow I'll still find
A way to be with you tonight..

I wanna be next to you
But you're so hard to break through
I don't know what else I should do
I wanna be next to you

I know that it just isn't right
That I still want you in my life
I can no longer keep it inside
I wanna be next to you..

I wanna be next to you..

Desperation's in the air
Making it harder, just to breathe..
The realization that you don't care
Make's it harder, to believe..

I hope you think about me sometimes..
'Cause you're forever on my mind..

I wanna be next to you..
But you're so hard to break through
I don't know what else I should do
I wanna be next to you

I know that it just isn't right
That I still want you in my life
I can no longer keep it inside
I wanna be next to you

I wanna be next to you
But you're so hard to break through
I don't know what else I should do
I wanna be next to you..

I know that it just isn't right
That I still want you in my life....
I can no longer keep it inside..
I wanna be next to you...

Trust and believe..
I'm the one who will be...there..
When your skies turn from blue to grey..

Why can't you see
Something dies in me..
Every time that you turn away..

I wanna be next to you..
But you're so hard to break through..
I don't know what else I can do..
I wanna be next to you..

I know that it just aint right
But I still want you in my life
I can't keep it inside..
I wanna be next to you..

I wanna be next to you..

by Corey Andrews

Alright so My Coke is pretty awesome, especially for being an offpsring of a soft-drink site It's got a lot of cool things to do and I've been hanging out there a lot lately. Well, it's got a lot to do with music, and one of the things you can do is listen to a selection of 6 songs, each from a different genre, and download them for free. Pretty sweet, no? I'd never bothered with it before, 'cause I figured they were just no-name wannabe's....but I bothered to listen today and this one was on there and it's really, really cool. Not only is it a beautiful song, but I can totally relate . Anyways, yeah, I just figured I'd throw it up here 'cause it's really beautiful and I really like it I also suggest ya'll go download it while it's still up there before they put something new up

*Yawns* Anyways, Manda's on her way home from San D, and I miss her.

Oh well, it's only for awhile. *grumbles*

~Manda

Why I want to meet Melissa Etheridge

2006-03-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

Out of all the celebrities I’ve enjoyed in my lifetime… I don’t think anybody has impacted me like Melissa. There are a few amazing women that run up behind her, and even a few men, but Melissa is, to me, everything a woman should be: A Godess.

I’ve listened to her music my entire life. Her first album came out shortly after I was born and my mom, aunts, and uncle were all addicted to her from the onset, which meant I listened to her a lot.

18 years later, I still listen to her constantly. Her music runs the gammut of my emotions from A to Z. It makes me happy, giddy, pissed off, afraid, lonely….she can do so much with a guitar and a poem. Her words are so personal and they are so very deep.

And that’s just her music.

I have a much deeper connection to Melissa for a wide variety of reasons, though.

Melissa was the first lesbian I ever knew about. As a child, I knew OF lesbians, but never knew there truly were any. Melissa was the first I ever knew about, because my mom made the comment “I don’t care if she is a lesbian, I still love her music!” My mom was homophobic…but that comment helped me to accept my own blossoming sexuality in later years and to come out to my mom. And knowing that there were others out there like Melissa, Ellen DeGeneres, and various others…made me feel like I wasn’t a bad person. Especially since Melissa had written so many songs about love, and being a lesbian, that meant they were about other women…that really helped me so much.

And then there’s the rest of her:

Melissa overcame the boundaries placed upon her as a woman, a musician, a lesbian, and even a breast-cancer victim.

She’s successful beyond words: Not because of her looks. Not because of rich parents. Not because of anything other than the fact that she is a survivor and has determination that burns like a fire.

She is everything I hope to be, and I thank her for inspiring me to be the best person I can be.

Yes, I want to be a musician. Yes, I’m 3/4 lesbian. Yes, I am a woman. But despite those connections between she and I, she doesn’t make me want to be a better woman or lesbian…she just makes me want to be a better person.

She just makes me want to be better, and I hope to the powers that be that someday, just once, I can shake her hand and thank her for all she’s done for me. Maybe, maybe…if I’m lucky, I’ll get the chance to hug her and tell her that she is truly everything I wish to be, and as such, inspires me to soar.

Learn more about Melissa Etheridge

I only have one thing to say...

2006-03-06T01:32:00.000-06:00

I love you Amanda Michelle Converse-Rath (^_^)

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now..

When all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight...

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken..
I just want you to know who I am..

And you can't fight the tears that aint coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand..
When everything's made to be broken..
I just want you to know who I am..."

Okay...more than one thing.

(^_^)

Love you.
~Manda

Grr!

2006-03-06T00:13:00.000-06:00

So...I'm frustrated. My blog looks funky in Firefox and for the life of me I don't know how to fix it. I want to make it all compatible, but I have no idea how to! And I'm becoming a Firefox whore, so what do I do!??!!?!?

*runs around screaming* ARRRRRRRGH!!

>.< In other news: I've converted to the ranks of the Firefox-freaks. Rawr. (^_^) I'm Firefoxed and proud!

Not to say IE is bad...but uh....I don't like it near as much.

So, viva la Firefox!

~Manda

P.S. If anyone stumbles across this and has any idea how to fix this problem, please let me know :)

(^-^) Testing, testing, 1..2...Postage!

2006-02-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

(^-^) So we all know I've been using Mozilla for all my Gaia stuff and that I'm frankly fugging addicted to Mozilla's add-ons becuase, well....c'mon, it's got so many cool toys.

And if you didn't know that, now you do...

Well, someone made this kick ass program for Firefox called "Deepest Sender", which allows you to post to your blog directly from your browser. I don't even have to go to Blogger to post if I don't wanna. Kick ass, meh? :)

Anyways, I'm testing it out. Yaye.

Alright, I'm off to work on shop orders :)

Toodlies!
~Manda

Sigh

2006-02-26T17:28:00.000-06:00

Alright...so I've calmed down since last night. (I mean, can you tell how ticked I was? I couldn't even use proper grammar in most of it.)

Soo..yeah, not much is up. I'm going to be working more on my blog, getting back to poor Teela and Vincent, and just kind of getting back to life once my hard drives are in.

I'm hoping that I'm doing alright in school. I have a feeling that my psychology grade isn't going to be that great. (I've missed 3 out of 6 little weekly quizzes >.< Shit!)

Hopefully I can make up for the lackage of quizzage during midterms & my final. I mean, that's our grade right there, soo..

There honestly isn't any class I shouldn't be doing well in other than that. Soc is Soc and we all know I'm great at it, Chem is a breeze, US History isn't easy, but it's not too hard. Philosophy....is intimidating, but I think I'm doing alright.

Anyways....I'm going to go work on tweaking software and stuff on my comp.

Mew.

~Manda~

What. In. The. Fuck.

2006-02-25T18:44:00.002-06:00

You know....for once....I was starting to fucking feel human again. Like I'm not cut off from the rest of the world like some god damn freak.

Yaye, we got Satellite (that mind you, we have to split the bill with mom on, even though, you know, it's not like we're going to have that box out in our house ANY fucking time soon, so we *HAVE* to be in here to watch anyways, so WHY are we paying for it?)

So....I have a way to keep in touch with the world besides the radio. Which is really nice.

I got my computer. I literally had to build my stupid fucking case because it's clear accrylic so I had to put EVERY SCREW IN EVERY PANEL...and I had to put in every piece from the mother board to the processor....everything. I built this baby.

Yeah, Adam helped direct with a few minor details that I wasn't aware of. But I did it all myself.

And I'm proud. And I love my new comp and I'm dying to get all my stuff on it from my other comp so that I can get back to my friends.

Well...you know, you would FUCKING THINK that it wouldn't be TOO MUCH to fucking ask....that people request my permission before touching it. And I don't mean admiring it and touching it. I mean people ATTEMPTING TO INSTALLING SOFTWARE ON IT AND CRASHING IT WITHOUT EVER EVEN ASKING ME IF THEY WERE ALLOWED.

And yeah, when I found out, I fucking peaked out, stormed over to my computer, turned it on and began trying to figure out why it had crashed when they attempted to install it. I'm installing AIM reight now to see if it's something to deal with the hard drive not being able to decrypt data or something else.

And yeah, I threatened to kick Justin's ass...and I was beyond pissed. And apparently I'M being unreasonable by saying they should ask my permission to use my computer.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW THAT IS UNREASONABLE?

I have NEVER in my life gotten a new computer. I've "owned" two. One was a hand-me-down my grama had had for 6 years and it was DYING and she knew this, that's why she got her new one.

The second one? Was mom's that she got from Chris that was really old, and she passed on to me when she took Dan's old one when he got a new one.

Now, Dan got a new computer before me, but hey...*shrugs* That's fine. I mean...he already had a working computer...but that doesn't matter, right? Only reason I got the POS I had was because of Dan getting his, which, yaye, but it's not like it was truly mine. Everybody could do what they fucking pleased with it.

This. Is. MINE. I BUILT THIS SON OF A BITCH. PIECE BY PIECE. It is my graduation present from my fucking parents. The only one I will ever get because you know, my fucking father is too much of a godamn asshole to even aknowledge that my diploma says "Arkansas High School Diploma". It doesn't say GED. It doesn't say "You're a retard". It looks just like every other single Diploma.

I graduated. But you know...that doesn't matter to everyone else...but it matters to me, and apparently my Mom & Dan.

NEvermind that I've had to wait a YEAR to get this. Nevermind that I spent hours fucking hurting my back to put in every piece. Nevermind that it's on MY desk in MY little corner of my mom's house. You know...

Why the FUCK should anyone have the right to touch it without asking me? Adam, yeah, c'mon, he's my fucking husband. He has that inalienable right to fuck with my shit.

My cousin? Our friends? My brother?

And you know...I was even being nice. That's how I found out. Charlie & Mikey were whining about wanting to play some game or another, and were whining they wouldn't be able to play much because everyone else had the computers, and I was offering to install the game on my computer for them. (Different game than the one Justin wanted to install).

But hey...a little bit of space so the kids could play. No big deal.

I told them so.

And then they inform me that without my consent, people have been fucking with my shit.

Yippee. You know...I'm so fucking sick of being walked on and being the bad guy for trying to protect what little I have.

Sigh

2006-02-08T23:30:00.000-06:00

The longer I'm alive, the harder it is to have faith in God.

It feels like my faith vs. my sexuality will never end. And after the shit with that bastard in Massachusets...*sigh*

For those of you who don't know, the fucker ended up in my back yard, Gasville, Arkansas.

I live in Flippin, which is like, 2 minutes from Gasville, and yeah...I dropped some carnations off where the police officer was shot, today.

*sigh* It's like....you know...just..*sigh* If you don't know...Google "Officer Jim Sell"..

This shit makes it so hard to have faith. So hard...

Rest In Peace, Officer Sell. I'm so sorry that hatred cut your life here on earth short.

May angels lead you in.

Pray for Officer Sell's family, the people in my community, and the people who were attacked in Mass, guys. Prayer is a good thing, remember?

~Manda

O.O Oh no...here she goes again! O.O

2006-01-22T13:39:00.000-06:00

(^-^) So......I want a website...kind of. o.O But that's a lot of work and a lot of time that yours truly doesn't have...so...hrmm...

My original intention for my blog was to do that....and I still could...right? Right. SO um, how do I do it?

I dunno o.O I'm working on that part (^-^) lol I'll get back to you on it ;)

But be prepared for some big big changes folksies!

~Manda

P.S. Henry broke up with me, me and Ray are semi back together, Adam and I are wonderful, and school is kick ass.

Yaye for life.

OH! (^-^) And guess who's back to where she belongs? Me! Me! Oh, yes, that's right....I shut my mouth and finally let God show me where I needed to be. I'm a Christian again. And it just feels right. I'm done searching. I'm good. (^_^) Yaye.

I'm not okay...

2006-01-19T08:52:00.000-06:00

I promise.

AAAH O.O I need to update more!!!!

2006-01-10T22:25:00.000-06:00

O.O Hi!! (^-^) Happy Late New Years, and Merry Belated Christmas! (^-^)

Well..wow, there's a lot to catch you all up on. I got some nifty stuff for Christmas, like my Naruto Konaha Forehead Protector, Naruto's Night Cap, a Naruto Coloring Book, 2 Naruto Notebooks (One with Sasuke on the cover, one with the Kyuubi himself), 2 Sets of Naruto Origami, a Shuriken Cellphone/Bag dangler, 4 boxes of Pocky (2 Strawberry, 1 Melon, 1 Yougurt), and bunches of other stuffs. Final Fantasy XI, Super SMash Brothers Melee, um..

Oh, yeah, and the most important thing of all:

My faith back.

Yep. I shut my mouth and took my happy ass back to Christianity. And I gotta say, I'm a lot happier than I've been in awhile. It's nice to be back at a place where I genuinely believe and don't feel so..scattered.

Thank God! (^-^)

Now, don't go thinking I'm suddenly going conservative. Anyone who knew me when I was a Christian years back should know better.

The Spring Semester started yesterday, and 'twas quite exhausting, BUT...it's only 2 days a week. Uber Rawr.

And I got some good news a few weeks ago: I can get my Associate of Arts with a D in College Algebra, but some Bachelor's Degree programs may require me to take the class. But for now, booyah, 'tis done.

So yeah, things are pretty good. I need to get going 'cause I have Philosophy homework to do before tommorow and it's getting late.

Talk to ya'll soon! Oh, I have some nifty stuff to let you guys know about, too (^-^)

~Manda

Hrmm...

2005-12-19T23:31:00.000-06:00

So....when Grama Nita came down, she gave Adam & I $75 dollars on a gift card for Wal-Mart.

We bought a copy of Final Fantasy XI (we got another copy from Mom for Christmas, as well...and since it's the Vana'Deil collection, we have a total of four accounts. 1 & 2 are Adam & I, 3 is Mikey's, and 4 is possibly up for grabs). Anyways...

We also bought Gremlins, a Gingerbread House Kit, and I got The Purpose Driven Life & The Purpose Driven Life Journal. *weak smile*

So...I started reading the Purpose Driven Life yesterday. For those of you who don't know, it's one of the most famous Chrisitan books right now, and i've been thinking about getting it ever since I decided to throw my hands up and surrender and head back to Christianity. Well...

It's.....hard. It's hard ot accept that God is the purpose of my life and I was made by/for Him. I'm working on it though. It's hard, but *shrugs* all I can do is try, right?

*sighs* Anyways....Christmas is in six days. Hrmm. Niftyness.

Love,
Manda

(^-^) Merow. Yeahhhh...50,000 Words, and counting..

2005-12-16T20:40:00.000-06:00

SO! (^-^) I did it! I won NaNoWriMo....and my story is still coming. I'm a total Gaia-whore....um...typical me...

Yaye. Life isn't so bad, though I'm still deppressed as hell. *sigh* Oh well. Lol...

*runs off and goes to the store with Mom* (^-^) Merow.

Love youns.

Btw...meet Teela, folks. And of course...there's my Vincent.

It just occurred to me...

2005-11-10T11:46:00.000-06:00

I didn't mention one of the reasons why I needed cheering up...

Jason didn't just die. He was basically murdered by his wife. It's a very long and fucked up story.

If it tells you anything, he laid there dead for 12 to 14 hours......his high school friend Brad was there the whole time, and his wife has told like 8 different stories as to when she left and when she got back and blah blah fucking blah.

She called his youngest brother (Jodie) at 2 to get his 2nd youngest brothers (Jeffrey) cell phone number.

She didn't call Jeffrey until 5:30, and when she did call him she told him "You need to get over here, I think Jason's dead". SHE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION IT TO JODIE FOR GOD SAKES!

When Jeffrey got there (he'd called 911 on the way)....he opened the door and had he opened it all the way, he would have hit Jason. He immediately started working on him, not realizing he'd laid there for hours....

Jeffrey's been a cop for 18 years. So he knows all the medics and shit and when the medic got there, he told Jeffrey "Jeff, stop it. He's been dead a long time."

Now mind you Jeffrey's back is so bad that he's in a turtle shell, and here he is slamming on Jason's chest trying to get him to come back to life. He didn't even realize that blood was shooting out of Jason's nose and mouth all over him.

He looked at the medic and asked "What in the fuck do you mean?"

And the medic was like "Jeff, the blood....it's shooting all over you....you're pushing it out of him, Jeff..."

And yeah...Jason's wife (They were going to get a divorce though) said to Jeffrey..."I've got a shopping cart out back, help me move the body".

HIS BROTHER....a man she's been with FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS....and she calls it "THE BODY". WHAT IN THE GRUNNY FUCKING GOOHOO!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

*sigh* I just....yeah...the shopping cart thing, if nothing else.....

A homicide investigation is soooo on. Originally everyone thought he'd just OD'd, his aneurism had acted up, or he got a blood clot. All are very probable of Jason. And the blood clot thing runs in the family...but then again...everyone back home knew about this 'cause Jeffrey told them...we got a mutilated version from my step-grama so we didn't know.

*sigh* When Jeffrey got there, Jason's pockets were turned out and shit, and he's betting that Sonja (the wife) pulled the drugs out and shit and robbed him. She said "I didn't want there to be any paraphenalia on him".....um...yeah bitch.

She's going to fucking rot in prison or get the chair. Either way, my family will *NOT* be losing any sleep over it.

Oh...and if it tells you anything, after Brad gave his bullshit story....

He checked himself into rehab and he's going to end up in jail, too.

They killed him. They fucking killed him.

I'm just so glad that my Aunt Donna has his boys....they need her. *Sigh* I wish I could be there to pass around hugs and tell everyone I love them.

We're planning a family reunion 'cause the whole family is sick of only getting together when we bury people. I didn't get to go to the funeral, but I wrote my Aunt Donna (Jason's mom) a letter telling her how sorry I was and how much I love them all.

*sigh* I can't wait to see them all. I don't want to lose another one without having seen him or her for seven years.

P.S. My other post about Jason, ignore it. Like I said, we got a screwed up story. *Sigh* The four days thing and just...total idiotic ramblings of Grama Shirley. *Sigh* He was getting clean apparently, but Sonja never did. She was apparently whoring for heroin still, had a boyfriend on the side, was still doing Jason...yeah. I mean...I don't care about her sex life, but wholy freaking shit the woman just...grr.....you know I probably wouldn't care about all that were it not for the fact that she murdered my fucking cousin..

I hope the bitch rots.

Yeah, I needed some cheering up...

2005-11-10T10:13:00.000-06:00

YES...I know, I'm a Virgo...but..

Halloween Horoscope for Pisces

You tend to go for traditional, if not a bit historical, Halloween themes.
Candied apples, pumpkins, and warm cider make you excited each year.

Costume suggestions: An evil sorceress / sorcerer or a renaissance pirate / wench.

Signature Halloween candy: Candy corn

What's Your Halloween Horoscope?

Describes me to a tee, and I'd be damned if my Signature Halloween Candy isn't Candy Corn. For God sakes there's like...a fourth of a small sandwich bag of it on my desk, a full sandwich bag of Indian Corn on the table, a full Sandwich bag of the marowhatever Pumpkins on the table, and an entirely full bag of Brach's candy corn on the table.

AND half a small bag of candy corn from like.....4 months ago near the fridge...LOL

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How Scary Are You?

Blarg, death, ph33r me!

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Mmmmm...sounds right.

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Fucking sweet, I'm cute!

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.
You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Works for me.

You Are

A Classic Pumpkin Face

You would make a good pumpkin pie.

What's Your Pumpkin Face?

Fucking woot. Pie.

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Hrmm...I haven't started my own MeMe, I've thought about it though >.> LOL (^-^) I need to do more of my MeMe's...I've been so wrapped up in shit I haven't really kept up with them.......

Funny though...they got my color dead on....boooyah!

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life.
You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first.
You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker.
You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Mmmkay. Yeah, true.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 43% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Wow. It's deeeeeeeefinately me.

Your Irish Name Is...

Orla Clarke

What's your Irish Name?

O...tay.

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.
You focus on living a quality life.
You're not easily impressed with novelty.
Yet, you easily impress others.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

You Are a Henna Gaijin!

You're not Japanese, but you wish you were!
You can use chopsticks with your eyes closed, and you've memorized hundreds of Kanji.
You even answer your phone "moshi moshi."
While the number of anime videos you've seen is way higher than the number of dates you've been on, there's hope.
Play the sexy, mysterous gaijin, and you'll have plenty of Japanese meat.

What's Your Japanese Subculture?

Hey! I have a boytoy, thank ye' very much! And he's as much of a psychotic Otaku as I am!

You Should Learn Japanese

You're cutting edge, and you are ready to delve into wacky Japanese culture.
From Engrish to eating contests, you're born to be a crazy gaijin. Saiko!

What Language Should You Learn?

Buahahah. Ph33r my psychotic Otaku-ness! (^-^)

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

What Part of Fall Are You?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

I don't *always* decide against it (^-^)

You Are a Bloody Mary

You're a fairly serious drinker, who's experimented a lot with different drinks.
You're a drunk, but a stable drunk. You don't ever let your drinking get out of control.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

What.In.The.Hell? (O.O) I'm not a drunk. I barely even drink, wtfuxorz? And I'm not a Bloody Mary, I'm a Pina Collada, damnit!

Anyways.......................I'm trying to re-do my blog...*thinks* Hrmm....we shall see what happens....Oooo..

sigh Godamnit

2005-11-05T00:24:00.000-06:00

And here goes another one....my mom's cousin, Jason.....died October 31st of unknown causes. They're doing an autopsey to find out why. I....he'd finally gotten clean, him and his wife. His mom has his two sons but he had finally cleaned up....he'd taken his wife to the hospital for surgery....and went home....but he never came back to the hospital and when she got home he was dead....he laid there for four days.

What in the fuck is so god damn wrong with this world?

I give up....

2005-10-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired of being here....
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave...
I wish that you would just leave...
'Cause your presence still lingers here...
And it won't leave me alone....
These wounds won't seem to heal..
This pain is just to real..
There's just too much that time can not erase..

Sigh

2005-10-14T17:36:00.000-05:00

*Sigh* So yeah......I don't know if I mentioned about the guy who told me not to talk so much in Sociology, but some guy did weeks ago and it was a real bad scene 'cause I was really hurt and just tired of being told not to talk (got it all through HS and got it from some girl in English, too like, the first week of school).......anyways.....today (I dunno if it was my new meds that gave me the gutts or not), but I asked my Soc professor if there were any problems with my discussions and whatnot, and he said I was absolutely fine and continually encouraged me to talk and discuss in class. He said, honestly, he'd been trying to get my class to discuss more and they hadn't really been doing so. He then said that if anybody messes with me about discussing in class, to "quote me. Tell them you already talked to me and I said you're just fine. Seriously, quote me on that." He was really reassuring, and it was great.

When Mom picked me up (Long story involving Lexi cutting school and not bothering to tell me)......I was in a really good mood. Then we got into a fight because I keep trying to get her to not baby Mikey as much as she does.....*sigh* Oye.....so...then as we're pulling into the driveway she's like yelling "Worry about yourself and you and Adam! You have a trailer to work on, you have school to deal with, etc." and then she's like "And Adam has a job to find!" and I'm like "Um...what?" And she's like "They called today and fired him."

And it's all downhill from there. Humanity fucking sucks. People are fucking scum. I know for a fact that Adam does his work. No one has said anything about him not doing things he's suppose to or anything like this until NOW. The day he's suppose to go into work, they FIRE HIM. What in the BUNNY FUCKING GOOHOO HELL?

*Sigh* And what I love is his boss is supposedly this kindly, devout, true-Christian. Ha. My ass. A true Christian would have told him what he apparently *wasn't* doing....and asked him to improve.

I seriously don't get it. Everything they've told him to do, he does. I know, I go with him all the fucking time, and I know Adam. He gets his work done, then sits down with a book.

I think it's an excuse. They don't like him for some reason, and there's more than just him supposedly not doin ghis work going on here.

It gets worse...

2005-10-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

So it turns out there weren't 3 guys in the car plus Nicky....

There was another girl...her name is Rebecca....and I was even closer to her than I was to Nicky...

I even have a sweater sitting next to me that she gave me when I was 12/13ish......

*curls up in a corner* mom told me this afternoon while I was working on my essay n stuffs.

One was terrible enough, but two?

And apparenty today was Nicky's funeral and I didn't know until it was over. Apparently there's no many for a funeral or buriel or anything. All they did was put a board under her and lean her against the wall with a green drape over her.

They were...they were kids, just like my Uncle CJ was when he died. They were all like 25ish...

*curls up in a corner* They...they were wonderful people and it's so terrible that they're gone. It's not right.......sure they had their faults...but they were still good people. And who has any right to judge their actions but God? *sobs softly*

My head hurts so bad from crying...*snuggles her sweater from Becca*

And it starts...

2005-10-08T21:19:00.000-05:00

Okay....yeah in truth it started in 8th grade when David died. But....but I didn't....I mean, yeah I was devestated, we all were. Yeha i was "kind of" friends with his sisters. But oh...my...god..

I grew up with her little sisters. She looked after me at school. She use to be my big cousins best friend, and for years her mom was my Aunt Terri's best friend.

*curls up in a corner* Apparently....four kids were in an accident this weekend...all of them are dead, and Mom couldn't remember all of their names, but I knew two of them. One of them is the abovementioned. The other use to date my cousin, and my mom actually beat his ass at one point. She now feels horribly guilty..

And there's a good man, a State Trooper, blaming himself for something he couldn't help. They were drunk or whatnot, over-did a turn, ended up in the other lane, and the poor guy came around the bend and plowed them. I know the place...it's dangerous. *Sigh* My gawd....*sighs* Oh god....

And here it starts hitting close to home. And I just have to keep praying it doesn't get any closer. It's always tragic. I'm sitting here balling. But I don't know if I could handle it if it gets any closer than this. I mean, yeah, I was close to Nicole/Nicki....but not that close. I mean, close enough, but....*shakes head*

I just saw her the other day when I was at work with Adam. And I didn't even say hi, I didn't even think about it. And now I'm going to hate myself for not doing so....

Why didn't I just say hi to her?

Yeah....it's sad about Josh, I didn't know him well, but well enough. And....regardless of whether or not I like him....regardless of anything....it's still terrible.

I....I wish I could do something or anything...

*curls up in a corner and sobs softly*

La...

2005-10-02T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been an interesting weekend. Hehe...

Last night Ree & I fell asleep on the phone together and at different times we woke up, listened to eachother sleep, then fell back asleep...*laughs* It was cool....at 6:00 am though, the phone started dieing so I had to hang it up.

*feels icky* I need a shower...I'm going to get one before I go into work with Adam....I reaaaally need to start on my homework *whistle whistle*

Anyways, I'm going to go goof off some more, as always.

~Manda

It's heeereee...

2005-10-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

Halloween season has officially started, rawr!! I'm so excited! This is just my first entry to pop in and cheer khehehe. I'm going to try to do some Halloweeeeeny stuffs in my blog over the next few weeks. :) Whoot...

yawns

2005-09-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

Well, stuff is happening. *gasp*

I didn't go to class today because I felt like someone had run me over with a freaking cement roller, and then of course when I took some pills to try and make the pain go away, they turned me into a freaking idiot who can barely stand without feeling like she's going to fall on her face....soo...yeah. It was only acting class, though.

In other news, we're working on wedding planning. Mom keeps saying "oh you don't have to worry about this just yet, you have almost a year."

Yeah, almost a year. Not enough time if you ask me.

*Sigh* I feel like a complete failure when it comes to college. It just....I dunno, I never have enough time or resources to do the things I need to do and just yeah...

I wanted to have a Halloween party....but we don't have enough time to plan that this year. *yawns*

*sigh* I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so stressed, and I am so scared that I'm going to flunk out of college. *sighs and paces* I *seem* to be doing alright, I guess. I dunno.

*paces* I'm losing it *sigh*

Anyways, I'm going to go for awhile. Gonna talk to Adam in a little bit about getting our wedding-blog set up.

Woot.

~Manda

Sweet mother of God...

2005-09-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

>.< Alright, so! Instead of my blog being filled with interesting informations.....it's been filled with jack shit because I've been up to my ass in "college" and "life".

*Sigh* College was not quite what I expected, and while the work itself isn't hard, keeping up with the mass ammounts of work is. Especially when you miss classes due to illness and or your family dicking you around. (Long story involving my Uncle & my two girl cousins).

So....I'm a chapter or so behind in Sociology, I have an essay that was due today that is going to be docked by 10 points because I'm turning it in Wednesday, I have some Algebra work today (no problem) and my Acting I teacher is a flake.

To explain my classes.....when I registered for classes, it was very very very last minute and I was working around Lexi's schedule since I was going in with her. Unfortunately, I got saddled with a class I'd rather not have taken: Acting I. I was going to take introduction to Animal Biology (with a kick ass professor who I was really looking forward to learning under! I <3 Dr. Dry!) but...

*sigh* Here, let me go back to the beginning....

A week before school was to start, we went and registered for classes. Lexi did hers with her little advisor, showed me her little schedule, and I ran off to meet with my advisor, Doctor Kenrick Thompson.

Now, I didn't know at the time who the hell "Ken Thompson" was. He was just listed as an advisor. I didn't know he was a professor. When we arrived at his office, I found out that not only is he a Doctor, he's a Doctor of Sociology (one of the courses I was most looking forward to taking.) He pretty much owns the Sociology department. Rawr.

So, I get into his office, he asks me if I have any idea of what i want to take, I explain that I have a list typed up of courses I need to talk for my associates, as well as the electives I'd like to take, and he promptly informs me that I am his favorite Advisee and then tells me that while he has no problem helping me set my classes up, I might enjoy setting them up myself online more. He explained that through the school website, I could arrange my own schedule and check thing sout myself so that I could take a more direct approach and use him solely for academic advisory. He made sure to note that he was not trying to brush me off, and of course I understood and told him it was fine, I knew he was just trying to help make me self sufficient. He gave me a piece of paper that outlines the requirements for the Associate of Arts degree, told me my log in information to go down to the library and change my courses, and that was that. I was determined and hellbent to have at least one of his classes this semester. This guy made me feel at ease.

SO! I did all that, blah blah blah...

My class line up was as follows:

College Algebra - MWF 10:00 am - Ms. Shipman
Principles of Sociology - MWF 11:00 am - Dr. Thompson
Composition I - MW 1:00 pm - Ms. Young
Introduction to Animal Biology - TR - 1:00 pm - Dr. Dry

Things were going fine, I found out we would have to dissect in Bio and was going to stick it out...hated Ms. Young 'cause she's a good ol' Southern gal with good ol' Southern Attitudes. (C'mon ya'll, you know me, am I going to like a teacher who pops off with "that's so gay" on the first day of class? And NO I didn't make my sole opinion of her based on that. I really really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, I swear. But over the past 4 weeks, I've really come to dislike this woman.)

Anyways.....on the 3rd day of school *sigh* Mom calls to tell me that she went ot fill one of my prescriptions and the pharmacist wigged out and explained that two of my medicines were known to tear up stomaches and that if I had any kind of stomache problem, I shouldn't be taking either of them, let alone together.

So she makes me an appointment to see the Doc that afternoon and tells Lexi to take me to it. So we go *sigh*

Now at this point (the 3rd day of class, August 25th), I've been having horrible back pain since school started and it's so bad that I'm almost puking in class. Now, mind you, I've had a bad back for years and years, I always have back pain, I just never told my doctor because I didn't want to sound like a whiner. (I hate sounding like a hypocondriac, so I sucked it up and dealt with it all these years. And I'm talking from the time I was 10 or so....my mom use to have me lay on the floor and she'd pop my back to help me feel better and stuff.)

So....I finally tell him and he tells me he thinks that because of the pull of gravity on my spine because of my wieght, my vertibrae are mashing together and creating bone spurs which are very painful. (Sounds like my symptoms to me!)

So he send sme to get get Xrays, but the clinics xray machine was broken that day, and I had an appointment in two weeks anyways from a prior visit, so we'd do it then. Apparently that appointment got erased 'casue the office had no knowledge of it, so we just remade it.

Anyways.....I was told I needed to talk to him before leaving the office, with or without the xrays, so I go back and wait until he's done with his other patients, and then he and I talk alone 'cause Lex went outside to have a cig.

*sigh* He told me he thinks I should have gastric stappling done because we've tried everything else for my wieght, nothing is working, and my fat ass is killing me. I'm a sitting duck for diabetes, I already have PCOS, Hypothyroidism, and arthritic conditions, amongst everything else, and he said that right now, I'm a very healthy kid except for all the problems caused by my wieght and he thinks that if we did the surgery now, there'd be very few complications since I don't have many risk factors. He also pointed out that if we wait until, say, I'm crippled with diabetes, we're going to regret it. SO.....

I leave the office, go home, try not to cry the whole time in Lexi's truck and then Dan's car....and when I get home I tell Adam, and then mom. We decide to go for it.

This means dropping Animal bio because while I could handle puking during dissecting and was going to tough it out for the good of my education, if I puke after surgery....I can throw staples and die. SO....

That's how I ended up in Acting. I didn't want to be there, but it was a convenience thing because I have to have 12 credit hours at least to keep my scholarship.

Anyways, I'm up to my ass and work and I'm sick.

Adam and I's anniversary passed and was wonderful, he asked me to marry him, officially. No ring yet, 'cause I need a special size for my fat lil fingers, but, ya' know (^-^)

My birthday came and went, I can buy ciggerettes now. Yaye.

I'm working on getting my license, and mom told me that the Aztec is mine to take back and forth to school once I get my license (YEEEEEAH BABY!)

And....last Thursday I got my left over funds from my pell grant (still gotta finish up the stuff for my Stafford loan)......and Mom owes me 105, Lexi owes me 420......and I've got 300 left. *sigh* Out of 1200. Can we say ouch? But I got some nice things for myself, including a little bit of clothes. *Sigh*

Friday was X-Ray day. *sigh* We go in, they immediately ship me to X-Ray before I ever see the Dr. *sigh* We get them done, they stuff us in the room to wait, and I guess they process them and show them to him and a while later...he comes in.

*Sigh* I have the spine of a 65 year old woman at 18 years old. I have bone spurs out the ass, two of my vertibre are forming a V together and are fractured and shit and it's just bad.

So yeah, you can imagine my glee.

I really don't like college and most days....I don't even want to go. Don't get me wrong, College Algebra and Sociology, I usually really enjoy and am good to go with.

But on Mondays & Wednesdays, there's English afterwords. Except today 'cause I'm sick and I did *not* want to stick around to deal with Ms. Yuppie. And it was convenient 'cause Lex had to leave school early, so yeah, whatever.

So yeah....I dunno....Acting isn't so bad it's just not my thing...Comp I, I had expected to enjoy and instead hate because my teacher is a fucking reject....and....yeah..

My faith is off the wall, as always. That fuck upstairs is messing with my head again and keeps trying to get me to go back. *Sigh* Maybe if *points up* hadn't pushed me away to begin with, we wouldn't be HAVING this problem.

Kaitlin kissed me last weekend. (Not this weekend, but the one right after my birthday....the 9th and stuff). It kinda sent mixxed signals, but she keeps squacking about being straight when we talk about enjoying breasts and stuff...so hey. Love her or not, I'm not about to fuck with our friendship like that.

Not much else is up, just trying to cope as best as I can. *sigh* The electric in the trailer still isn't on, though UB is going to get the conduit for it tommorow (again), and I guess he's taking me to class while we're up there, so at least I don't have to hang around for hours afterwords or before class. Yaye. *sigh*

I've been sick for the better part of the last month, and it's getting old. I can't keep missing class, but going to school sick isn't helping either. I bombed my first Algebra test. I'm really tired of this and really stressed out. I wish things could just be you know....sane for awhile. *sigh* I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

*curls up in bed and goes to sleep and tries not to whimper too much* I'm really tired of hurting...*sigh*. Anyways....everything hurts, I want to cry. So I'm going to go.

Love ya'll lots.
~Manda

Well who would have thought?

2005-08-18T04:49:00.000-05:00

Who would have thought that in less than a week, my blog will no longer just be filled with boring, meaningless bullshit. I'm actually starting college Monday.

No, I'm not lieing. And if that's not enough to perk your interests, today we got stuck behind a House-Moving company that was illegally moving a house. We were there for two hours, snapping pictures of their stupidity.

I happily dubbed one of the guys as "Jiffyass".

Henry and i had some problems the past few weeks, but we got everything worked out and things are good now. It's going to be interesting juggling my life the next few months, but I can do it.

In other news, at Rorag, I was asked to be the Dragon Flying Professor, WOOT! After much work, I created what I feel is a suitable character that I absolutely LOVE. Matdredalia Aeriana Kalitara Taluviae, Dragonologist & Dragon Flying Professor of The Rorag Academy of Wizardry.

Woot (^-^)

Life is good. And I mean that. Things are getting better. Today I registered fo rmy college classes, and things went fairly well. I should be alright. Believe it or not, I think things are going to be really, really good.

In other news, I'm going to attempt to write a novel. I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, but before that, I'm going to try to whip a short one out before that. Heh, woot.

Anyways, *yawns* I'm going to go.

Oh! And I got EQ Platinum so I can play decently now. Weehoo.

Life is alright. Life is good.

11 Days until Adam & I's 2 year Anniversary.

~Manda

sigh Yaye for threats

2005-07-29T16:48:00.000-05:00

Alright, so the other night (Monday), my grama and I got into an argument. She was driving me absolutely nuts bitch, whine, and moaning all weekend whlie my mom was gone, and then she threatened to make Mikey sleep in the back of the house where it's so hot you can barely breathe (or at least, it was at the time...it's gotten better the past few days), if he wasn't quiet because Charlie was over here and had to go to the Doctors in the morning. (My cousins, Charlie & Jay were here, and their mom was picking them up at FOUR AM to take them to SPRINGFIELD which is THREE HOURS AWAY to get a TUBE shoved down Charlie's throat! What kind of Mother has her kid stay at someone else's house right before something like that? But anyways...)

Anyways, me and Gram got into an argument, I told her she was driving us all nuts bitching like a fiend, and you know, we argued. It was pretty loud, but nothing extreme.

Well Jay opened his big mouth and said "Great now we'll have to go home because Charlie won't sleep after this and he'll be upset". As soon as Jay said "He'll be upset", Charlie started sobbing. Or at least, according to Adam and Mikey. I went to my room and was in tears.

But....Mikey and Adam were both out there, close to Charlie than Jay was, and they said until Jay opened his mouth, he was fine. Well then Jay calls his mom, my bitch of an Aunt, and all hell breaks loose. They go home, and then Tammy had to come over at 4 am to borrow money from Gram and started causing trouble.

Well, then last night, I found out that my Aunt has been causing more trouble than I imagined she would. She called and told my grampa about it, claiming that I told Gram that "I hate her" and "I wish she was dead". Now, my grandmother is *DIEING* Of congestive heart failure. When I found out, I went absofuckinglutely nuts. I'm not sure if I wrote about it in here or not, but any of my friends know I was devestated when I found out. Luckily, my grama probably has quite a few years left with us, but that's not the point. Why in the FUCK after being so upset about her dieing, would I EVER say those things?

What *ENDED* Gram & I's argument was her brining my Uncle CJ (who died when I was 3 in a drunk driving accident) into it. I said "fuck that, that's not right. I'm out of this shit".

My cousin Nikki told my Uncle CJ "I Hate you" before he died and has always regretted it. That's why I rarely, if *EVER* utter those words, and if I do, it's to my mom. I've said it I think 4 times to my mother in my entire LIFE, and I *ALWAYS* apologize immediately after. Even if I'm still mad.

But...the fact my aunt did that is what really pissed me off. My aunt lied and told my grampa and my mom that I said that. My Aunt Terri (my godmother) told my mom about my Aunt Tammy telling my grampa, 'cause he tells her everything. So..yeah...*sigh* Tammy's running her mouth like a bat out of hell. My PAP (Grampa) even told my aunt Terri "She'll say anything to keep the subject off of her and her bullshit. I don't care that Manda and Wilma fought, what I want to know is why Charlie was at Bobbi's house when he had to go to the doctors the next day."

But just, GRRR. My Aunt wasn't even HERE, and when my mom asked Gram if I said it, Gram even said "No, she said some hurtful things, but I don't think she even could say that". And then, of course, Mom asked me, and I was like "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

THat just really upset me. Because yeah, grr. Me and Gram had dropped it and let it go the NEXT DAY. Tammy's keeping it going four days later? WTF? *sigh* I thought she'd 'cause some shit but this is ridiculous...oh and it gets worse.

Not only that, but my Grampa told my aunt Terri that Tammy had said, and I quote "Jay Michael had to grab Manda by the throat and bounce her off a wall to split them up". Now hold it....Gram & I *NEVER* laid a hand on eachother. When she threatened to hit me, I told her "Fucking try me, I won't hit you back, but try me".('Cause yeah, I definately would have restrained her ass).

But apparently she told my Pap it was a "knock-down-drag-out-brawl". And yada yada. She also had the fucking gutts to tell him that she's "counting the days" until I'm 18 so she can beat my ass. She just told my mom "She'll be eighteen in a month and I'll beat her ass, my mother's dieing of congestive heart failure, no one's going to talk to her like that!"

When Mom was explaining all this last night because Terri called and was talking to her about it, I drug her aside afterwords. She was talking about what Tammy said to her and then pointed out: "I asked Tammy to take mom to the doctors the other day, and she couldn't be bothered. Suddenly she cares that she's dieing?"

And Mom asked Tammy "Do you honestly think that she's so stupid that she won't press charges just because she's 18?"

So yeah. My Aunt is threatening to beat the shit out of me, and if she does, she's fucked. 'Cause I have no qualms about beating the fuck out of her and then pressing charges. Or getting a restraining order. And my front door will have a "No Trespassing" sign on it, and I will have Adam get a gun if she can't be civil.

It was none of her business, it was between me and Gram, and we settled it. Hell, even GRAM is pissed that she's doing this shit. When Adam and I woke up this morning, she was ranting to mom about how "So what, the Grama and the grandkid get into a fight, that doesn't mean you fucking attack the grandkid!"

So yeah, *sigh* I'm not a happy camper. I don't like my Aunt Tammy. Terri has always been my favorite. And that's not because I've spent more time with her, which I have, 'cause Tammy can't stand kids and never wanted me around. But....Terri's fun. She's honestly a really amazing person. When my former step-dad, John, was in jail and his father broke my mom's foot and tried to kill her...Aunt Terri came and got us. Now mind you, there were HUGE downed trees on the road. Gram had tried to take us out of the house the night before, but couldn't because trees were down both ways, tornadoes touched down, etc. So we were trapped out here with no electric.

Aunt Terri, who mind you, has had a terrible back my whole life. This woman has, I think, six or less vertebrae left in her back. She lives on morphine patches and pills to survive and be able to walk. Without them, she couldn't. Now, mind you, she's one of the few people in my family who doesn't do pot and stuff like that, and she hasn't in years. She's not a druggy, a pill popper, or an alcaholic or anything. But without her meds, she's crippled. She's in horrible pain all the time as is.

This woman wielded a chain-saw and hauled logs away from the road to be able to get to us on Easter. (She was staying at a friends place, long story. But the friends son was with her as well, but he even said, she did half if not more of the work).

She took us back to where she was staying, and we had Easter there. She'd made all the food, everything. Not to mention, my mom, brother, and I each had a little gift from her. And we'd brought Mikey's easter basket, and my presents along.

She even gave mom one of her morphine patches to help with the pain in Mom's foot.

Now, compare this with the woman who, from the time I was 10 years old, told me I'm a worthless, mouthy, little bitch. And who has continually trashed on me for YEARS. And you'll see why we don't like Tammy. (I can't even get into the bullshit that woman has put me through. She treated me like shit, even after she found out about my deppression and shit. She cares about no one but herself. She's even started drinking & driving since she left my Uncle Jay and took up with her boyfriend, "Coon". And she has a 7 year old son, plus my cousin Jay. Tell you anything?)

Anyways, I'm ranting 'cause I'm seriously pissed off at my Aunt Tammy. This is just ridiculous, and I'm sick of her starting drama just because she doesn't want Pap to know about her bullshit. She does it all the fucking time. *sigh*

Anyways, I'm going to head out. Cya'll later.

~Manda

Heh...

2005-07-23T06:24:00.000-05:00

Not again. Not fucking again. *sigh* Let me explain.......

When I was 8, my mom had an inoperable brain tumor. She was, literally, miraculously healed. It's a long story, but to say the least, she's a walking miracle. Well...

My mom has two older sisters, Terri is the oldest, my Godmother (my middle name, Lee, is in honor of her middle name). Tammy is the 2nd oldest. And then my mom is the baby. My Uncle CJ was between aunt Tammy & Mom. But, as we all know, he passed away when I was 3.

Now...my brother, myself, and my 4 cousins have been raised like siblings practically.

Now, here's how *OUR* generations little hiarchy goes:

Nikki - Oldest. 23. Aunt Terri's daughter.
Lexi - 2nd Oldest. 19. Aunt Terri's 2nd daughter.
Jay - 3rd Oldest. 18. Aunt Tammy's son.
Me - 3rd youngest. 17.
Mikey - 2nd youngest. 10. My brother.
Charlie - Youngest. 7. Aunt Tammy's 2nd son.

Anyways, now that you know the ranks....

You can tell...Nikki, Lexi, Jay, & I are the close ones. Mikey & Charlie are close to eachother, but not really the rest. Charlie's close to Jay, Mikey's close to me, but niether are real close to Lexi & Nikki.

For 7 years, it was just Nikki, Lexi, me, & Jay. Our little pack. Especially us 3 girls, since, from the time me and Jay were 3, my aunt Tammy stayed in Arkansas. Period. Aunt Terri bounced, and so did Mom. But Mom & Aunt Terri were usually in the same place. Well...

*Sigh* Nikki's done some fucked up shit. She molested me as a kid, and has had a lot of problems. She's been sexually abused and really hurt too, and yeah. When I came out about her molesting me, it was a nightmare, and yeah, most of you who read this know the story. So I won't get into it, but...

Earlier this evening, Lexi came in talking on her cell phone with my mom (mom's in Texas, obviously).....and *sigh* She's telling Mom how Nikki has 3 brain tumors....*bites lip* They were doing an MRI because she's been having problems with her neck being screwed up. And while Nikki is a hypocondriac, for once, she was worrying about the wrong god damned thing. *curls up in a corner* She also has Cushings Disease, which is what my endocrinologist thought I might have, but found out that no, I really do have PCOS.

*Sigh* Anyways, this would explain a lot of Nikki's deppression issues and shit and just yeah....

I hereby take back every mean thing I ever said, everything I ever did that was mean. Any hitting, name calling, or making of life miserable. I take it back. And I'm so fucking sorry and I just.....I wish to the Goddess that there was some way.....I could fix her. That I could make her better. I'd give almost anything to make her better. I don't know if they're malignant or benign, they have to do tests to find out. But, the one is right at the base of her brain, where it conects to her spinal cord and it's slowly cutting her nervous system off from her brain. Her doctor told her that the next thing that would happen is the loss of her arms and hands.

She has a two year old son, my "nephew", Cody to take care of. (I told you, we were raised like siblings).

Please, please....if you're reading this, throw up a few quick prayers to whatever the hell you believe in. And if you're an Athiest, just throw out some wishes. Please guys, she needs all the prayers she can get right now, and I really really really would appreciate knowing there's a few others out there hoping for her.

*Sighs* Adam found out from Nikki's neighbour who came in to buy a can of chew. He didn't know if it was true, and when I called this morning to tell him and basically finally break down sobbing, he told me he'd found out abou tit, but hadn't been sure if it was true. Well, I confirmed it and just yeah, he's really really upset as well. He and Nikki aren't good friends, and he gets pissed at her for being rude to me, but he still cares abou the rand loves her and yeah.

Please, please....*curls up in the corner* Do something, Lady...please...

*sigh* Like I said, please pray for her guys. And if you have the time, a few quick words for my family and their sanity (especially my aunt Terri & Lexi) would really be appreciated.

*wonders off to go to sleep before she goes nuts*

Loves,
Manda

O.O I'm getting a life, o. m. g.

2005-07-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

HOLY SHIT I'M IN COLLEGE!

Yes, that's right, yesterday we went and turned in all my paperwork and whatnot, and I can still get in, woot! I have to get my 2 proofs of my MMR imunizations in by August 8th (Freshman orientation) though, or I'm screwed. That shouldn't be too hard though.

Anyways, when we went to turn my FAFSA into the Financial Aid Advisor, she looked at my GED & ACT Scores and kinda looked at me funny and was like "Have you applied for the Academic Distinction Scholarship yet?" And my mom and I were like "errm, um...no?"

Apparently, anything over a 610 composite on the GED is considered "excellent" (I got 662), and my composite 24 on the ACT is considered so as well. O.O I was really kind of shocked that. I had no idea.

Anyways, she gave me the papers to fill out for the Scholarship, and I did so. And she said that basically, she's not sure if they've still got money in that scholarship fund (it's ASUMH funded), but she's pretty sure they do.

And what the AD Scholarship Does is this ---- All my classes, paid for. Period. O.O Except for an 8 dollar per credit hour fee, but like she said, government funding via my FAFSA will pick that up, as well as my books.

*Bounces around* And here I thought I was a dunce (^_^) Sorry, not trying to brag, it's just nice to know that I did in fact do well *weak smile*

I'm just really excited. I'm Academically Distinct, and I didn't even know it!

ROFL.....the woman was explaining the FAFSA to us, and basically explaining what my report will mean when I get it, and explaining the number in the top right corner. She said if we score 3800 or higher, I can't get the Pell Grant, but I can get other fin-aid.

But....we're broke, my dad is a DICK who refuses to give me any help (ha ha mother fucker, hope you like having to pay the 14 grand in back child support, ASSHOLE!), and I'm almost positive I can get the Pell Grant. And, if the Pell Grant is only picking up 8 bucks per credit hour and my books, there might be enough left over to help me put towards a car, though that's probably what the back child support is going to go to. (Please, Goddess, let mom get the back support filed in court before I turn 18!) Anyways....yeah...*breaths* A laptop and a cell phone would be nice...because, well...yeah, Laptop for work, obviously, and while a Cell Phone may not seem like necessity......it will be once I get my own car. See, for now, I'm car-pooling with Lexi back and forth. (Mom'll drop me off at her place in the mornings, and then I ride with Lex). Until I can get my license, that's the most convenient option. And I trust Lexi's driving & she's got a cell phone, so no problems there.

But once I'm driving myself back and forth.....I'll need a cell phone for emergencies, 'cause, yeah, I don't trust myself behind the wheel one fricking bit.

Anyways, in other news, we went out with Katelyn Wednesday night, which was a blast. (Katelyn is one of the girls that works at the Subway at the gas station Adam works at, she's a total doll, I love her to death). We were going to go bowling, but it was "League Night" and the "League" needed all 16 lanes. So, we went to the movies and saw the Fantastic 4. AWESOME movie!!

LOL awww..just as I finished that last sentence, Katelyn called from work to tell me congrats on getting into college and that she misses me (I spent Saturday & Sunday night at work with Adam, so I saw her a lot between then and Wednesday). lol Adam doesn't brag much, does he?

Lol. Katelyn is insisting that when mom gets back (she's gone for the Weekend in Texas visiting Chris) and we have transportation we *have* to call her and get together. Not that I'd complain, lol.

Oh, and last weekend, while I was hanging out in Subway with Katelyn, I met one of her friends, who in turn became one of my friends. His name's Michael, but we all just call him Shadow. He's a total doll. He's kind of the token black boy of Flippin, lol, or at least, the only one who doesn't hide. He's such a sweetheart. He's married and has a son, and while his wife drives him nuts, he's still really good to her and such. He works down at the little uh.."Drug Store & Soda Fountain" known as Sodie's, and apparently they sell different gifts and whatnot, and he found this Celtic necklace down there he's going to grab for me (he gets 50% off) and just have me pay him back. Woot. (He saw my Pentacle Ring that Ree gave me when he and I first met at Subway, and we got to talking about Wicca and stuff, and his family has been into it for years and years and stuff. It's pretty cool to know someone else around here like that. Anyways, moving on!)

That's the basics of what's happening as of late, and well, I'm also working on getting back into Wicca and getting my faith figured out. I know what I believe, but godamnit I need faith and I want it badly. And I know I'm going to need a lot of strength to get through college the next few months.

Anyways....I'm off for now, that's what's up.

*Hugs & Kisses*
~Manda

Harry Potterness!

2005-07-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well, we went to the midnight release party for HP last night, and it wasn't what we expected. I really didn't expect *our* area to have so many fans, because, well, most of the Christians I know think it's satanic, and most of the area is Christian, and well, yeah, it was bad.

Mom couldn't handle the people and was freaking out, and I saw this stupid little homophobic bitch from school, the one girl who ragged on me CONSTANTLY about being bi. I mean, this little bitch had the stupidity to IM me on MSN and chew my ass about me being bi. >.< And she saw me went "OH MY GOD" and like, ran. I was just like "*sigh* Oh how I'd love to beat the fuck out of you, and I'm a pacafist..."

I know, I know...I don't really want to beat her, I just wish I could shut her mouth because she's one of the most ignorant people I've ever met. And the scary thing is, she was one of my best friends in middle school before she moved away and came back. She's the one who got me into Tae-Kwan-Do and everything *sigh*

Anyways, it was a nightmare, we got there too late for any of the events, and just yeah. It was bad.

But we got our book, and some Pocky, and it was alright. Oh, and anyone who pre-ordered the book got a free giant Hershey's bar. Heh, woot.

In other, older...news....

The Plushie Quest is going exceedingly well!

On the 8th, when I was going bonk, I couldn't con mom into taking me, but she asked my cousin's boyfriend and my two uncle's if it'd be alright if they dropped Adam off at work and then rode me over to McDonalds, since they had to go that way anyways. They said sure, and we went.

I got one of each pet...#'s 1 - 4. (They didn't number colors, only species, to make them harder to collect, but no biggy, outside of Poogle's, I only wanted 1 of each species. Anyways...)

I got my Yellow Bruce, Yellow Kiko, Blue Flotsam, and Starry Kacheek that night. (^-^) That night, Mikey called on his dad's cellphone once they'd left Geauga Lake (a massive amusement park up North near where his dad lives now, and where we use to live....). Well, the cellphone kept cutting in and out, and when I'm trying to tell him about the Neopets Plushie's......it dies. He calls me back a fe wminutes later..."MANDA! THEY HAVE NEOPETS AT MCDONALDS!" I was like "I know that's what I was trying to tell you!"

I was bummed I didn't get to tell him first (his dad took him to McDonalds in between cellphone calls, that's how he found out ROFL)....but *shrugs* Oh well. Anyways, mom talked his dad into helping him collect the toys, and one day, him and Mikey drove around for a couple hours just collecting, that was so sweet.

Then...I was waiting patiently because I assumed my McDonalds would have them in order, and I know there aren't *that* many collectors around here, so....I waited patiently.

Wednesday night, the night before we're suppose to go pick up Mikey in Terre Haute from his dad, mom and I went to McDonalds. She bought TEN Happy Meals, partially for the food from them so we'd have food for the ride up to Indiana, and partially for toys....and I bought seven to feed Adam & I and to get Plushie's....we got lots of Poogle's, but some were double's...but....

By the end, I only needed the Blue & Yellow Poogle's! And I have one of every species except Grarrl & Pteri, which, I'll get to....

Anyways....Mikey had THREE Blue Poogle's, so he gave me one! (^-^) I gave him my double's, and all the tripple's went to our little cousin Charlie.

Now I only need the Yellow Poogle, a Pteri, and a Grarrl! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm going to try and get another Kyrii, Meerca, & Mynci probably, but my real goal is the elusive Yellow Poogle *shifty eyes* Lol

Anyways, going to pick up Mikey was an adventure. The trip up was fine, the trip back was good, somewhat. I'll continue later, as right now, I need to go to the bathroom, and I am very tired and don't want to think about the trip back.

Loves,
Manda

I'm on a quest!

2005-07-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

A *REAL* quest!!!

Now, anyone who knows me knows I love Neopets, specifically Poogles.

Well, yesterday I got the Neopets Newsletter, announceing that the Neopets Plushies @ McDonalds are BACK this summer! And this time it's a whole new group of Neopets! INCLUDING POOGLES!!!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEL*

I. Must. Have. Them!

So, I'm bribing my Mom to take me to the local McDonalds (half an hour away).....so that I can buy some of the toys....and some happy meals. Woot.

*shifty eyes* I will have them. Oh yes, I will.

Oh, and for any of you who are curious...I do in fact have a Poogle Plushie. I had two. The blue one, and the Faerie one. But, when I came home last summer, Mikey begged and pleaded for the Blue one. He now takes him everywhere. Mikey even got mom to buy him a Cloud Poogle Plushie recently.

*sigh* I need to get the Pink, Blue, & Cloud to go with my Faerie....

Poogles. Weeee!

I WILL HAVE THEM! I WILL!

Hrmm

2005-07-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

You know, I've thought about it, and comapred to last year, there's not quite that much to tell. On the first day, we went to PrideFest (me, Mikey, & Adam) and had a lot of fun. Mikey really enjoyed being around so many kind people, as did Adam and I, of course. We did some shopping, I talked to a lot of others like me, and also got a free massage! WOOHOO!

We didn't watch any events, and we headed home early do to the heat, and the fact we were pretty tired.

The next day we went with me, Adam, & Mom. We went later in the evening because we'd been up all night taking Mikey to Indiana where his dad was picking him up. We walked around and most, but not all, places were closing up. It was really really cool. Mom bought me some nifty stuff, like a ribbon crown (we got three for the price of two and we stuffed Adam in one! HA!). I got quite a bit of really nice stuff, like some new necklaces, a headband, etc.

Then, we went to eat, and as the Italian Sausage place was closing up, we caught them. They said we could have all the Sausage we liked for free! LOL So mom bought a pack of buns off of them, we filled each bun, woot! We also got a whole pizza for 10 bucks ROFL It was normally 2 bucks a slice!

Gotta love the community...

So...then we hear Ari Gold come on. And that was the show I really wanted to catch. And we headed on over and watched. It was phenomenal. Ari is an amazing performer. I don't want to prattle on too much, but I highly reccomend his CD, Space Under Sun. He has anothe rone I want to get, but I have that one and know for a fact it's great. I'm especially obsessed with "He's On My Team", "Fantastic", & "Bashert". Those are some of the ones he performed and I absolutely *love* them. Space Under Sun is beautiful as well. The whole thing is just awesome. Love Will Take Over is great, but sooo much better live. That's one of the things I loved about Ari ---- he was AMAZING live, unlike most artists these days who use voice dubbing on their CD's and suck live >.<

Anyways....that's what happened, it was l33t hehehe. I could get into every little detail, but it's mostly just....being there that's so wonderful.

The fourth of July was pretty cool, even if I didn't get to set off very much "big stuff" >.<

hehehe.

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail. Actaully, I picked it up from the post office. I've been anxiously awaiting this package since last Thursday.. It's from Ree.

Now, for those of you who don't know, we've been back together since December 31st >.< I could have swore I mentioned that, but I'm not sure..we had a brief bout where Adam asked that we break up because of a miscommunication (We got that all fixed, and those two are pretty good friends now..)

Anyways....my sweetheart sent me some wonderful gifts. Including a Japanese Language Course, complete with tapes on the course, a course book, & a Japanese to English dictionary. He also sent me "The Anime Companion", "A History of Japan", a box of "Special GunPowder" Imported Tea, a copy of the November issue of "The Onion" (It was the packing lol!), a beautiful Purple-leather Collar, complete with Celtic-Style Heart-pendant....(*purr*), his Pentacle ring *blush*, a CD of his X-Japan, Para Paradise, and Weiss Kreuz music, and another CD filled with yummy Hentai pictures (WOOT!)

He's such a sweetheart :) (^-^) I love him so much. *snuggles her Raven and smiles*

Things are going very, very well. :) In other news...

I've went back to Gaia, and am basically obsessed. I've come up with some very cute outfits for my Avatar, and have actually quested to get said outfits. I've had a few donations, and Aijo even let me borrow his Kiki Kitty Plushie.

A friend of Ree's quit Gaia....and gave him all of her things. One of those things was the Elven Ears I'd been trying very hard for, and he gave me those. He also gave me a Bammi hat she gave him, which, I hadn't started questing for, YET, but intended to in the future. Also, Emo Glasses, because he thought they looked sexy on me, and a Red 70's Shirt, because, when he gave me a bunch of stuff to sell for him (Since I have a Market Pass), I tried on the 70's shirt, and he thought it was teh sex. SO...

I have quite a bit stashed in my little inventory. I can change my look to a few different styles, which is nice.

I did earn the money for quite a bit of my things, and getting 1 Pink Giftbox & 1 Enchanted Trunk in the past week helped quite a bit :) Roughly 3,700 gold from the items recieved from those (a coconut bra & a red face veil). I also donated 5 dollars, which got me a Phoenix Circlet and my brother a Bone Helm. I sold the Phoenix Circlet for roughly 4k, as it's *really* not my style.

Selling those items is what helped me finish off the money to get the one item I've wanted since I started Gaia: The Wild Orchid Kimono!

I borrowed roughly 1.1k from Ree (since I'm holding all of the money from the items I sold for him lol), which, I'll have to pay back, but, that's no big thing. (^-^) So, I have a good chunk of "my list". My Rush Bag is the last thing on the list I really am craving, and after that, I think I'm going to work on furnishing my house :)

Here's my avatar at the moment:

KikiKitty Plushie belongs to Aijo (Gaia Name: Kaizeru), who is letting me take care of her for the moment.
Emo Glasses & Elven Ears: Donated by Ree (Gaia Name: Kntmikado), who is an absolute sweetheart.
Black Paint Brush: Donated by Teh Mei, a fellow Literate Spam Guildie.
White Stockings, Ocean Beach Sandals, & Wild Orchid Kimono: Saved for & Bought by Me (Gaia Name: Matdredalia)

Anyways, that's what's up for now!

Oh, I also am playing RO on the AeRO - Nocturna Server with the boys, as well as most of my family.

I also started a new game today, MapleStory, which I've heard a bit about here and there through the Anime Community Grapvine, and signups are finally open now, so me, Ree, and Adam are playing :) It's pretty cute!

Anyways, I'm off for now!

*Hugs*
~Manda

PrideFest & Aniversaries

2005-06-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

First off: Happy Anniversary Taiki-kun! Today is Adam & I's 1 year, 10 month anniversary. O.O in 2 months it'll be 1 year. That's nuts. Lol. Anyways...

Monday night I got back from PrideFest, and for some reason, even though I gushed about it to Ree & Manda, I have no real inspiration to explain it all here. Do I want to? Yes.

But I can't compile my shit all together and whatnot. I just feel dead *sigh* Maybe it's the heat or something.

Let me just let you guys know, that I will be posting about Pride very soon. I promise, if I haven't done it by July 4th, it *WILL* be done on July 5th, I *PROMISE*.

I'm just very tired and worn out, partially from the trip, and partially just from life.

I'll give you guys a few details now though: It was BETTER than last years. I got to meet, hug, and get pictures with Ari Gold (the man is a fucking doll. Not only did he take time to talk and spend time with his fans, but even though there wasn't an enormous crowd like at normal concerts (I'd say there were probably about 100 people there), he still treated us as if we were New York City. He rocked the place and gave his all, even though the crowd was small. He's extremely talented and is *BETTER* live than on his CD (which I bought after only having heard 3 of his songs, he was that good). He's an amazingly talented artist, who's done so much for the GLBT community, and my mom thinks he's hot >.< ROFL. We all know, I'm not big on men, so I wasn't really into him, but he is, without a doubt, a beautiful man. I'd rather go shopping with him than date him though /nods.

Anyways. It was so cool to have Mikey there on day one and Mom there on day two. And while we didn't go early enough on day two to see the parade because we were up all night taking Mikey to Indiana for his dad to pick him up to take him back to Ohio, day two was still awesome because of mom being there and the Ari thing. Most of it was packed up by the time we got htere, but it was still absolutely amazing.

ROFL....alright, now I've spilled almost half of it, I'll write more later :)

*Hugs* Happy Pride Month, everyone!

~Manda

No! I'm NOT DEAD!

2005-06-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

*gasp* Lol. I know that's a real shock for some of ya'll, eh? Hehehe.

I'm still here. I've just been absorbed by the Pixel World and Ragnarok Online *giggles* So much fun.

Anyways....I'm truly not dead. I'm even going to be uploading shit-loads of stuff into my DevArt today. Woohoo.

*yawns* I'm working on getting my website re-made, and hopefully that'll turn out well. I have no idea how I'm going to do it but *shrugs* gotta try.

Anyways, PrideFest is in a week, and I'm disturbingly excited (just like everyone knew I would be) and I can't wait *bounce bounce bounce* WOOHOO...

I spent NINE hours on a pixel work last night. NINE HOURS. I'm redoing my modern elf series, somewhat. Last night wasn't a re-do. Last night was ONE FREAKING ELF. A Gypsy Elf. Buahaha. I mean, I am part Hungarian Gypsy, ya'll knew it was coming eventually!

Anyways...I re-did the face for her specifically but I'm going to use it with the others too, I believe.

Anyways, here she is. I think I'm going to go work on some other stuff. I'll try to post more later or tommorow.

The flower crown, is, obviously, from my bears. Adam suggested I use it. Hehe

Anyways, cya'll!
~Manda

sigh

2005-06-11T13:38:00.000-05:00

So, I missed my shrink appointment this week because the alternator on the car blew and we had to replace it....

But I did go to the doctors yesterday for two reasons:

A) They never gave me the diagnosis on my neuralysis
B) I'm holding water like a cactus (I have adema, and it's very obvious because my feet, ankles, and legs are swelled up like balloons...it fucking hurts).

So....we go in there, tell him this, and he perscribed water pills for me, then I asked for my neuralysis results (3 months I've been waiting), and it's official. I have a terrible case of carpral tunnel syndrome in both wrists. I have to wear wrist braces, then get steroid shots in my wrists, then have surgery. The doc only wanted to put me in one brace for now, so I chose the right one....but it was hurting yesterday....so I'm going to try it again and see how it goes. In a few weeks, I gotta get the left one.

So...anyways...he also put me on IBUProfen 800's (the over the counter ones are only 250's)....because of the pain in my wrists and from the adema.

*sigh* So now I'm on 6 medications (1 for hypothyroidism, 1 for irritable bowel syndrome, 1 anti-inflamatory for my wrist, 1 for the adema, and 1 for the pain.) Plus a fucking wrist brace. And I still don't know if I have PCOS or Cushings disease or WHAT is wrong with me.

I hate doctors sometimes.

Anyways, in other news...PrideFest is in 2 weeks. WOOOHOOO! *sigh* Though we ran out of money so I couldn't get my pants and the rainbow material, or a cool shirt to wear *sighs* Oh well...I guess I'll just have to live with it.

Also, I've gotten back into pixeling. I've made *thinks* 5 entirely new dolls in about the last 10 days. Wooohoooo! I intend to pump out more. Oh, I've also been making pixel Teddy Bears and selling them at @ Eden Enchanted. I used an outline from Rinconcito Dolls, pixel shaded it all in, edited the outline a bit, and voila. Teddies.

And....being Pride Month...what is Mandy going to do but make Pride Teddies?

I really like these little guys, so be nice to them *giggles* There will be an explanation site for them sometime today....I'll link them to it when it's done.

Anyways, not much is up. I'm going to go hang out at EE and whatnot.

Cya'll later.
~Manda

sigh Hello everyone

2005-06-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

Well, so much for updating every day, eh? *sigh* I really don't know why I can't seem to do the things I want to. Oh well, I'll just try a little harder to get those updates in. That's all I can do.

Not much is up, just lots of stress, and lots to do. Pridefest is in 23 days! Woohoo! We leave in 22! *dances*

Anyways....sorry that's a big deal. Heh.

*sigh* There's always so much to do, never enough time to do it, and somehow, the harder I try to pixel, the less I do. I never have enough time to do what I want to. Most of the time is spent in prep, and I never finish anything. Grr.

I just want to finish something, darnit!

Oh well....better to do some of many things than nothing at all. *weak smile*

My LaunchCast subscription is down, which is a pain in the ASS....but....*shrugs* normal LC is better than, CRAP! I forgot....I only get 600 normal songs a month. Then I get stuffed with CRAP. *sigh*

What am I going to do? *pout* Must get my LC subscription back! I must!

Anyways....I found a new RP forum. A wonderful place known as "Rorag". While there are a few similarities to Harry Potter's world, there are more differences than not. Like, for example, Rorag is set in the midevil times. Also, you can be a Human, Pure Wizard, Dwarf, Faery, Elf, or any combination of those. There's a lot of differences, which is pretty cool. So far I'm having a blast, except for some reason, I can't get my starter kit. It absolutely refuses to give it to me!

Everyone else's is working fine, but mine's not! The Head Mistress is looking into it though and she said she'd give me my stuff manually if she had to. Unfortunately, I can't buy anything either. Blah.

Anyways....if anyone's interested, my character (and username) is Rhiannon Bel'Adori. Her middle name is Aimess. Maybe I'll post her bio? Everyone at the forums loved it and went absolutely gaga over it, so maybe I'll post it. *shrugs*

Anyways....not much is up, that's about it. I want to doll something. Maybe I'll doll Rhiannon. Hrmm..

Anyways, I'm out of here.

~Manda

Mew.

2005-05-23T12:52:00.000-05:00

Well, last night was my Graduation Dinner. Now, you all know I already got my GED and all that good stuff, so yeah...why was I having a Graduation Dinner a year and a half later?

Because I wanted to wait for my Class. And I did. And yeah, last night we had a little dinner to celebrate. Mom made massive ammounts of Shishkabobs, a Strawberry Cake (WOOT!), Klusky Noodles & Saurkraut, Klusky Noodles & Cottage Cheese, and she bought me Peach Ice cream!

She also bought me and my brother these little box planters, some special cactus-mix-soil, and 6 cacti each! (We've both been wanting these little cacti they've had at the Garden Center in WalMart and have been massively drooling. They're so cute!) So, I'm now growing Cacti! WOOT! (Mom has always had a green thumb, and me and Mikey inherited it...I've always loved growing stuff).

Mom also bought us all tie-dyed items. Me, Mom, & Gram each got full length spagetti strapped dresses (Me and mom got rainbows, Gram got Green & Blue), Mikey got a tank top (rainbow), and Dan got a t-shirt (blue & purple).

They were expensive, buuuuuuttt, sooo cool. I love my dress. Woot. I've been wearing it all last night. Yaye!

Mom's wearing hers to PrideFest, I think I'm going to wear a cocky t-shirt one day and my dress the other or something.

Anyways....I also got 60 bucks from my grama, several inspirational little nick-nack's from mom, a cool 2005 key chain, and a cute little Grad star. Yeah, I'll post pics. Can't right now though, have to finish this. My Grampa's coming over. Oye.

Forgot to mention that. Heh.

Will write more later.

~Manda

So...

2005-05-13T06:07:00.000-05:00

So, I saw Doctor Phil (My shrink....Phil is his first name, not his last, so don't think I'm visiting the famous guy. My Shrink is way better than that crackpot) on Monday, and he told me what everyone else told me: You can't change it. You've known all along your dad is a dick. You have got to learn to let it go. "It is as it is."

So yeah, I'm feeling a lot better about that and am dealing with that as best as I can. I haven't thought about it like I was, and lately I've been enjoying sinking myself in WoW. Woot.

Things are going pretty well. I'm leveling very well in WoW, getting my Guild back on track, and things are just in general getting a bit better.

I need to update my StarJar sometime soon, and I need to quit getting indigestion >.< LOL.

Anyways, I'm out for now. I'm going to try to get back to my every day updates. WoW sucked me in. What can I say? =P

Toodlies,
~Manda

sigh

2005-05-06T20:26:00.000-05:00

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

*sigh* Back to Deppression central. And Adam's at work. So...I'm all alone. *sigh* And I'm going to be all alone (except for sleeping) all of tonight, and all tommorow. And yeah, I know, Mom and them are around, but they're all so absorbed in their games, I might as well not exist. And yeah...*sigh*

I dunno, I'm just like, ready to jump out a window. Not that htat'd do much good...I'd get stuck in it lol. Our windows are tiny.

I saved a Humming-bird today..which was cool. I flew in through the back door and started beaming itself off of one of the windows....it was gonna kill itself...so I quickly scrambled over boxes and lots of shit to get to the window, grab it gently, and release it out the back door. It was really cool...

That bird was so soft, it was amazing. I was so terrified I was going to hold it too tight and crush it, lol.

It was so beautiful...*sigh* So gentle, and just, awesome...

It was so nifty.

Anyways, that was the highlight of my day. I really need a shower, but I'm so afraid of that fricking shower breaking *sigh* I'm afraid it's going to fall and I'm going to fall with it and break my neck....(the floor under it is rotten, and the tub itself is cracked and yeah, it's plastic, and just yeah, I'm terrified).

Anyways, I'm gonna go shower and whatnot. Hopefully that'll cheer me up..

Laters,
~Manda

Damn Him.

2005-05-05T12:12:00.000-05:00

*sigh* Who's Him? My damn-sperm-doner, aka my father. No, he wasn't really a sperm-doner. But that might as well be all he is for all the good he does.

For God f***ing sakes.

My Mom bought me a car...sure, it's not a 2005 Chevy or something really nice, but it does it's job, and that's what matters.

She put the down payment on my trailer, and has been making the payments for 5 months now.

And she's buying me a computer as my late graduation present.

And she didn't even get a chance to talk to him about *HIM* helping.

All she did was call and ask, very nicely, if he had any plans to help me in any way with college. And he went off on her. She barely got a single word here in there in edge wise.

All he could do was attack her and attack me, using her as the basis. He takes out all his anger at her on me, and basically makes me out to be *her*.

And yeah, he's irate that I'm with Adam, which mostly has to do with the fact that he was 24 and my mom was 15 when they got together, so he was almost 10 years older, and he's all pissy about it...and yeah, basically he's pissed that I'm with someone who's older, and he wants me to "break the cycle".

My father stopped speaking to me when I told him about Adam. I called him a week or so ago to have a chat, because I missed him and my brother and sister and step mom.

He accused me of "never telling him anything"....considering he doesn't talk to me unless I initiate the conversation, and he's dissapeared from MSN...wtf am I suppose to do!?

And I told him about Adam, and look what happened!

I'm ready to pull my damn hair out....my head hurts and I'm ready to cry my fucking eyes out, which I've kind of already been doing.

Why does he have to be like this? He told mom "I have bills to pay"...well, if he'd given mom a chance to talk, he'd know that I wasn't going to ask for anything drastic. Christ.

And his bills obviously aren't THAT bad if he could get a brand new pool. Yes. Brand new pool. And apparently, "It's huge", or at least, that's what my little sister, who'll be 8 in August, told me. And for some strange reason, I believe her. I'm pretty sure it's one of those above-ground ones that costs several-thousand dollars, 'cause Brenna said it was totally different from the old one they had, which was one of those blow-up ones.

I don't know, all I know is I'm ready to just...god..*sigh*

I mean, I don't care about the damn pool. It's not that much to ask for him to help me a little bit with school. And you know, it's not like I was asking him to drop thousands of dollars for my tuition. Hell, he didn't even let mom get out what she was going to say!

She was simply going to ask that he put it in writing that he'd send me $350 a month (almost 100 less than what he's paying now in child support, but of course, that's government regulated), and of course do so. That way I could pay for Gas to/from school, car insurance, etc.

I mean hell, in Pennsylvania, it's mandatory that parents pay Child Support until their kids are out of college. Mom was only going to ask him to do this until I finished my Bachelors (4 years), even though I'll probably be trying to go to school for 6 years.

But...hey, God forbid Mom even get anything she was going to say out! Heeelll no...god forbid! He wouldn't shut up! All he could do was hollar at her and attack her and me!!

*SIGH* And considering he owes her *thinks* almost 7 years worth of back child-support from when I was younger, you'd think he'd be a little nicer.

*pulls hair out and sobs*

God I really don't like him right now. I can not believe he would be like this. I mean, I can understand, yeah, he has bills to pay, but they're obviously not struggling if they can get a brand new pool. And those kids never go without a summer vacation, so I'm betting they've got money stashed for that. Not that that matters. My point is, he'd be paying less than he is now, and he could be helping me with school. Hell, even if if it was 50 bucks a month it'd be appreciated.

I could understand if he said you know..."Hey, well, we were planning on having more once Amanda turns 18, so we won't have that much to spare, but I'll try and help how I can"...or just you know...grr.

Why did he have to just suddenly attack mom and me when she asked, very nicely, if he had any intentions to help me out with school.

I mean, Mom was seriously being nice, and he went off like a rocket.

*sigh* I'm just ready to scream right now, and I'm just so pissed and just *sigh*

I think I'm going to go back to bed. I'll talk to you all later.

~Manda

Updates:

2005-05-04T15:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm alive..and I got up my gutts, and Mom saw that last post...and cried...and wasn't mad, and just yeah. Damnit. Lol.

I hate it when I get sentimental like that, but *shrugs* It needed to be said *silly grin*

Anyways...not much is up..

I added Synergy to my StarJar
I joined the "I Kiss Girls" Webring
Added a few things to the side bar

Other than that, not much is up. Me and Mom are getting along rather well, but that's about it.

I'll talk to you guys later...I'm sleepy...gotta go get Adam.

~Manda

With every last breath.

2005-05-03T02:06:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I discovered "Webands"---- a site dedicated to making Web-versions of the wonderful Rubber-Bracelets that are worn to help support a wide variety of causes, from AIDS, to Women's Rights, to Breast Cancer, to Gay Rights, to Cancer Support....to...everything. The bracelets have been worn for some time now in real life as reminders of the people who are fighting sickness, opression, hunger, hatred, etc. around the world. I have been trying to find these bracelets in real life to wear them with pride and give my support. Unfortunately, I have to buy mine offline, and no credit-card makes that hard to do, BUT...

Webands is completely free, and those of you who've read my blog have seen my rotating bracelets on each corner of my page. I originally was using the rotation, as I support all of the causes on the site, but....I am changeing that.

I do support every cause on the site (even abstinence, as I believe all women should wait---until they're with someone they love. In my opinion, marriage does not mean what it use to, and if you truly love someone, giving them yourself is not wrong. I just hope girls and boys alike will wait until there comes a time when losing their virginity will not be a loss, it will be a gift for them and the person they're with). BUT...

I made a suggestion to the beautiful Sydney, who has so generously started this program, that she make a web version of the "Count Me Pink" bracelet and the "Until There's a Cure" bracelet. She was kind enough to do so, and I'm honestly tickled pink (no pun intended). I am going to put those two on my site for the time being, as they are very close to my heart and I would like to show my gratitude to Sydney.

Sydney, and the others like her in the world, inspire me. I literally cried when I saw the CMP & UTAC bracelets. Because it reminded me of the reason I am alive.

People say "live for yourself" and "live your life, don't worry about the rest of the world". But, I live in this world, and there are many others who shall come after me. And I can not stand iddly by during my life.....and not work to better things for those who will come after me. And in honor of those who've come before me.

My life shall be spent doing the thing I believe most that I should be doing: Fighting...not for just myself, but for the world itself. I can not save the world, at least, not by myself. I can inspire others, I can fight along side others, and yes, we shall make the world a better place. I know I can not do it alone, but I can do it, just as every other person can.

And it reminds me that I owe this feeling inside my heart, this feeling that I can do most anything, this feeling of passion and love for the rest of the world, to my Mother.

My Mother taught me that fighting is the way to surive. You do not have to fight with knives, guns, or fists. You can fight with your heart, mind, and soul.

My Mother has survived sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse from step fathers, abuse from husbands(physically and mentally), the miscarriage of her first child, an inoperable brain tumor that miraculously dissapeared (no, I'm not lieing. She's in medical books because of that one), and much, much more. My Mother has considered giving up a few times....but she has not. She is without a doubt, one of my biggest inspirations.

She has fought her whole life, simply for the right to survive in peace. But, even when she had to fight to live, she fought for others. She fought for what she believed in, wether it was right, or wrong. And while with time, she has realized that sometimes she fought on the wrong side (like when she was very Homophobic), she's turned and fought back, this time for the right team.

My Mom probably wouldn't want me to tell you all she's survived. She's not one who talks about the pains of her past and brags about living through them. But the fact is, she did live through them. My Mummy left home at 14 and moved to South Carolina from Pennsylvania. She worked her ass off to keep herself alive and dealt with many, many drama's from the people surrounding her. She was married to my father at 16 years old. Before she was the same age I am now (17), she had already miscarried her first child, and was several months pregnant with me. I can't even imagine her horror. I am, for all intents and purposes, compared to her, a naive little child.

My Mother grew up a long time ago, and is yet, at heart, still a child. And I owe my life, my happiness, and the very being of who I am to her.

And while there are moments I hate my Mother, I love her more than I could ever hate her. Ever. She is the greatest woman I have ever known, and yet I've never opened my mouth to tell her this. Not in as long as I can remember.

When I was 5, I told my Mom she was my best friend, and she told me that while I was one of her best friends, I was not her very best, which is understandable. At the time, I was hurt. Just as I was hurt when I made her a picture of a blue-berry tree (yes, I know, blueberries do not grow on trees, I was 5, remember?), and told her I'd made it because blue was her favorite color. She informed me that blue was her 2nd favorite color...purple was her favorite. I was heart broken. Blue was my favorite color.

But...I look back now and realize....I was not her best friend because, while my mother told me many things about herself as a child, there are things she could not bear to expose me to so young. She has waited to share many of those horrors until I was of the same age she was when she experienced them. And I can not, in any way, imagine the pain she went through at my age. I could never be so brave.

Listening to her stories makes my heart break.....but I know she tells me because she wants me to learn from her past. She does not want me to ever have to bear those pains. Some of them, she could not save me from, and yet, she has saved me from many with her sharing of her knowledge.

I use to whine to her that I was upset with her for telling me too much, too young. This was a lie. I do not blame her for telling me young, as that has saved me in many ways. I blamed her because when I was 5, she told me about sex, and I was curious about it. And my curiosity lead me to being molested by several different persons as a child. It lead to certain scars I have yet to heal. I blamed myself for my curiosity, and I still do. And I took that blame in myself out on my mother because I didn't know what else to do. I loathed myself for being so stupid, even if I was young. So I took my secret pain out on her and blamed her for telling me too much too young.

But she taught me young to save me. And she has. If I could change things about myself and my life, there isn't a whole lot I would change. I love myself for the woman has raised me to be, and I love my mother for letting me be her side-kick in helping her grow. I love her for being her.

My Mom is still one of my best friends in the world, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs layout, my favorite color is purple.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for telling me "too much when I was too young". Thanks for teaching me to fight with my heart. Thanks for teaching me to love everybody, regardless of their wrongs. Thank you for teaching me forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for teaching me strength. Thank you for teaching me the value of books and knowledge. Thank you for loving me, regardless of wether or not you agree with me. Thank you for learning that all gays aren't bad, we're rather nice. Thank you for volunteering to sacrifice yourself to the emotions of thousands of people, just to show your love and support for me at PrideFest. Thank you for fighting for me all my life, even before I ever came out of the womb. Thank you for giving me this life, and for helping guide me to make the best of it. Thank you for being you.

I love you more than you'll ever know, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize just how absolutely amazing you are. You are the most wonderful woman I've ever known, and I pray to God, as much as I may not like him, that he does not take you from me for a very, very long time.

I'm fighting for the world and those who shall live in it for generations to come, yes, but Mom, I also fight for you. You've done your fighting. You're ready to do what you can from home and live the best you can. But I hope you know, that while you may not be out protesting or marching, you made me. You gave me the will to do so. You gave me a piece of you. Mom, I fight for you. So that someday, people won't have to go through what you've went through. I hope that someday, when my time is up, and I go to meet you wherever we go, you can hug me wherever we are, and you'll be proud of me. With all my heart, I want to die knowing I made myself and you proud of me. And knowing that you and I, together, at least did a bit of good for this world.

And though I may never have the courage to show you this, I hope you see it in my eyes every day for the rest of our lives.

Love always,
Manda-Panda.

sigh Quilting Bee turned me down weak smile

2005-05-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

Well....got the email today....was kind of sick to my stomache before I opened it, and obviously had a reason to be.

I worked for *days* on my blog trying to get it perfect before I submitted my page to the QBee. I worked for two days on my Quilt alone! *sighs and pulls hair out*

I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, yeah, my page is a Blog, but they said blogs are fine as long as they're updated regularly. Well...it's kind of obvious that I do that.

I coded my own layout, I made my own graphics, I made my quilt, I had the link to it up on the main page...

What did I do wrong? O.O

I mean, they said "Your page is not ready to join the Quilting Bee". What the heck does that mean? What did I do wrong? Tell me so I can fix it! *sighs and pulls hair out* I guess it's time to go back and re-read the rules or something, I don't know.

*sighs and bites lip* Oh well, can't let this get me down. I have to do my thing and get on with it. Life is good. Cheer up, Manda.

Anyways...the Beebo Brinker Chronicles are fantastic, even if I did find out that one of them isn't in the book (go figure), so I have a book to buy so I can get the full details.

I'm definately addicted to them. And here, they say that "old books" are all boring. Well the Beebo Books were originally published from 1957 to 1962, so obviously, Ann Bannon was doing something right *laugh*

Anyways, in other news, I'm starting to get a bit more at ease with that whole "being me" thing and starting to get onto terms with myself a bit more. Hopefully I can continue that.

Anyways, not much else is up...I'm going to go make sunset/sunup Emoticons and try to figure out why I got turned down.

Ttyl.
~Manda

sigh Condemnation..

2005-04-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

So, I woke up around three today, read some more of my book (it's no wonder The Beebo Brinker Chronicles are in Triangle Classics, they're fabulous! Ann Bannon is a Goddess!), and then go ton the computer. *sigh*

A few minutes ago my friend Billy told me that he's upset with his father because not only will his father refuse to let him speak to me or Ree, but also has the nerve to condemn me and Henry to basically the deepest pitts of hell.

Now, let me note...Billy (I call him that, everyone else calls him Bill), is a an 11 year old staunch conservative from hell. And he's a Christian. And yes, he has those typical traits, and while it can be hard to deal with him since any time we try to have any kind of debate with him concerning politics, there's the chance he'll think we're insulting his parents, even if we're not. But, the three of us have made a pact not to talk politics or religion.

But anyways....he apparently told his father about Ree being Pagan, and my being Bi, and his father forbade him from talking to us and told him he was too young to understand "Molestors and evil people in this world" =P Bill is an extremely intelligent 11 year old. Trust me, he's not too young to understand "evil". But Henry and I are no more evil than a caterpillar.

I mean seriously..yeah, I love women, but that doesn't make me *evil* or a "Molestor"....grr.

It normally wouldn't bother me, but this kid is a really nice kid. I mean, yeah, he's a Conservative, and very firm in some of his beliefs (Thankfully he doesn't feel like his father and think we're evil). It just...this kid doesn't deserve this. He's learning about things he shouldn't be much too young...and from his own father. Hatred, bigotry, hypocrisy (his father preaches of tolerance and equality and forgiveness), and intolerance, and it just pisses me off that this kid is having to deal with this, just because his father's like this.

I mean, yeah, it could be said that it's Henry and I's fault for being friends with him, but it's not like we can rightly just up and change who we are. *sigh* And I'm sorry, we shouldn't have to. Grr..

Anyways, I'm just very ticked off at the intolerance in this world. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about that at the moment.

Oh well...someday...someday I'll end it. Or die trying.

THANK YOU GOD!

2005-04-29T03:45:00.000-05:00

Thank you *GOD*! As much as I may dislike you (God, that is), you have finally let me finish this bloody thing, and I'm thankful for that :) Yaye :)

Anyways, not much is going on, other than that, I finished.

What does this mean for this itty bitty blog?

Well, it means I can devote more time into updating it daily and fulfilling meme's and take more pictures for you guys :)

Now, I'll still be adding things here and there, like links to blogs I read and buttons to my little "Button Box" to the right. Also, I'll be joining more pixel-swapping cliques (like the Quilting Bee, which I'm waiting to be approved for) or trying to!

Aaaaaaaaaand in other news...

As of Midnight, it is Adam and I's 1 year & 8 month anniversary :) Damn. Almost two years. Wholy shit.

Also, Mom told me the other night that she, Dan, and Gram have been planning to throw me a graduation party at the end of May and get me my computer. WOOT. I did the math and figured the parts out and stuff, and the PC only comes to about 400 bucks, and mom said I could spend up to 500 so I can get extra stuff like a Flash Stick to transport stuff to and from college and whatnot. YAYE. I will have a computer!! ONE OF MY OWN. FINALLY. I've waited *YEARS* for this!! *dances*

Also, mom told me theo ther night that she and Dan would help cover the gas to go to PrideFest, since all these extra expenses are coming up with the trailer and everything.

*sigh* I still haven't told Mikey I can't go to his wedding. I feel awful, but there's just no way. I mean, as is, Mom & Dan are covering part of the gas for PrideFest, and Adam and I may end up staying at Dan's parents (God, please, no.)

And I mean...yeah..*sigh* Going to Mikey's wedding would cost the better part of a thousand dollars....we'll be lucky to have two hundred saved up by the end of June (PrideFest).

So anyways...*sigh* I'm going to go...

Be happy. The blog layout is finished. Merow. *GLEE*

~Manda

Whew!

2005-04-25T04:04:00.000-05:00

Wow! I'm almost done! Yaye. So, what's new?

I got the side bar pretty much done when it comes to actual *layout* stuff. I have to add quite a few things in and fill a few things out, but the layout is pretty much officially done :) Unless I get some new crazy idea.

My emoticons are DONE! See that little picture above my imood on the side bar? That's them :) I worked my ass off on them. Thank GOD Aerieyena's base is so easy and wonderful to use. God I love that base (^-^)

Anyways....I have to add more of the evil little buttons that lead to different portions of my life in up at the top, and code a few "add on pages", but other than that...I'm almost entirely done :) I should be pretty close to finished by the time I go to bed tonight. Woot.

~Manda

Oye vey

2005-04-24T02:13:00.000-05:00

So, today I turned myself into Cam-Whore extraoridinaire. I'd been resisting using the Digital Camera that my mom's friend gave to us, because frankly, the software for it, and the camera itself, aren't that great. The software's "Preferred operating system" is Windows 3.1 for Chrisakes.

The point is, I kinda got inspired and just went on a rampage of Photos. And now I can't stand going somewhere without the camera. I even took it to WalMart with me.

Anyways, there is no way I'm posting 90-some pictures. That's f***ing absurd. SO...you get the highlights.

But first, let me just note: Today I got my DeviantArt subscription turned back on: 3 months baby! Woot. And I got 1 month of LaunchCast Plus. I'm testing the waters. If I like it enough, I'll keep it, if not, screw it. Anyways..

On to the pictures!!!!

Let's start with my front yard, shall we?

Welcome to the concentration camp, boys and girls. Our Neighbors aren't real bright. That fence is once sided. Yes, you heard me. One sided fence. WTF? *shakes head* Like we really needed a 9 foot metal dividing line between our property and theirs. And like it really needed 3 strands of barbed wire around the top. By the way: That's our propane tank.

The pretty view above the 9-foot-tall-evil-fence-of-Nazi-doom.

Meet my dog, Jean-Claude. He is half Pug, 1/4 Jack-Russel Terrier, and 1/4 Beagel. Wierd mix, I know. He looks almost just like his mother, the Pug, except his tail is short, and he's a bit larger. He really is small thought. Anyways, he's cute. I love the tongue shot.

Now: Onto the back yard!

That is my back yard. Great isn't it? I wish my mom wouldn't hack down half the trees. Grr.

And, up, up, up! The pretty view out back and *UP* :)

Let's go inside, shall we?

Here's Manda's desk (from the right to left...I cleaned it up after this, by the way..)

Beautiful mess, isn't it? It really looks much better after being cleaned.

And....my kitty decided to climb up a bit higher than normal (insane thing that he is):

OH..and because I know you all are just dieing to see:
Pheer the l33t bunnies of doomage!

Next we have......my Gay Collection! Yes, I have loads, and loads, and *LOADS* of GLBT related things (wether they're about GLBT's or just have articles about them, whatever). Books, magazines, wrist bands, you name it...oye...so..today I decided to take pics of my collection for Manda...and well...for her to see everything, I had to take a pic at a time of each different "sector" of stuff...ya'll just get to see the stuff lumped into a couple of pictures.

First off: PRIDE SOCK! I used puff paints to make myself a set of socks for PrideFest last year. I'm not saying they turned out well, but I love this pic.

Next up: Rainbow Wrist band. It took me forever to get a good pic of this:

And, what comes next.....The Gay Collection!: Group Shot!

And seperated into two more...viewable images:

And last, but certainly not least: The greatest sticker ever...

And, for the grand finale....my two favorite male's that aren't blood related:
My kitty:
(Isn't he so photogenic?)

And Adam!:

And, that's it for now. I'm off to work on some more stuff, and hopefully I can get the brunt of things done tonight. I want to get all of my Link-Buttons up tonight and get the color scheme finished. Tommorow I hope to get my "add-on" pages up and done. Woot.

Anyways, ttyl.
~Manda

I'm in love with my blog..?

2005-04-23T01:02:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided I want to be a bit more dedicate dto my blog.

This also means that I may be retiring my website. Permanently.

Why?

Because I can just assemble some add-on pages for my blog and use them to serve as things like my About Me page, pics of me, etc.

For my art, I have my DeviantArt account.

What's my point? I think my blog is going to become more of a priority and I think I'm going to try to start updating it daily. It's much easier to maintain than a webpage, and I really enjoy it. SO...I think that's what's going to happen. But, I'm not saying anything for sure yet.

Anyways, I'm off for awhile. I should be finished with all of the new changes by Monday.

~Loves,
Manda

GAH!

2005-04-21T07:10:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I spent pretty much all night working on my new blog template.

Yes, I know, it looks terrible. I haven't re-done the colors or anything like that, and right now, it's still half-done. The banner is done, the sidebar is being revamped, and the colors obviously need re-worked.

I should have it all finished by tommorow though (woot).

There are going to be some drastic changes (like a lot of the un-needed crap in the side bar is going to go), and obviously, the colors are going to be totally reworked to match the new banner. (I busted my ass on that, so I hope ya'll like it.)

Anyways, I will post again once things are finished tommorow.

~Manda

Alright, so I'm evil...

2005-04-02T04:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I've kind of been lost in space. Don't worry, my DeviantArt has suffered, as well. Oh, and not to mention, my website still isn't up. *sigh*

I never get anything accomplished except making my love life more and more complex.

But, that's what I get for letting my heart do what it wishes. It gets me into some fantast situations, let me tell you.

But anyways....my family's close friend / adopted family member, Chris has been staying with us for the past two weeks. I twas really cool to have him around. But he's leaving tommorow morning and I'm really devestated. I mean....in a way I'd gotten use to having him back around. It's so wierd having him gone in Texas. *sigh*

Though on the bright side, I did get to catch up on (most) of the episodes of Smallville. He brought seasons 1 - 3. I unfortunately didn't catch the first few episodes of Season 2, but I did catch most of Season 2 and all of 3. I already know Season 1 'cause I use to watch it religously before my mom screwed up our TV so nicely *sigh*

I seriously need to buy those 3 sets and start cramming them in again. I forgot just how good Smallville is. Buahah.

Chloe Boobies. That's all I'll say. Soooo nice. Season 3. Levitas. That's all I'm saying.

Anyways, I'm off to go search for pictures of one of the most beautiful girls on the planet to try to take my mind off of this....stuff...that's going on in my life.

Meow.

~Manda

So...

2005-02-07T10:33:00.000-06:00

I've been horribly neglecting my poor little blog. Especially since I had a bloody entry to write about, two of them, and just didn't get around to putting them in here. So, let me answer the question you all are asking:

What's up with Mandy lately?

Same shit, different day. Except she's gotten some cool new stuff lately.

Like what you ask?

Like Journey on Vinyl!! *dies* *Sqweee* Yes, that's right. Mom took me to this little store down town that she's been raving about for like a year now, and I found Journey on Vinyl, along with Styx & REO Speedwagon. I was so giddy I almost pissed myself.

Yes, I know, I don't have a record player. Shut up, I'm working on it. (^-^)

I also got lots of other stuff. (^-^) That day I got Adam's Valentines day presents, and some legal pads and pens for myself.

The next day when Adam got paid, we got to spend lots of stuff because Mom's finally paying back my birthday money, so we didn't have to worry about blowing his check really. So...what'd we get? We loaned mom about 150 bucks, and Adam took us out to A&W/Long John Silvers (yes, we have a joint A&W/LJS around here), and then we went to Hastings & Wal Mart.

At Hastings I finally got two of the Manga I'd been wanting, "PhD: Phantasy Degree", & "Psychic Academy", a somewhat under-ground lit magazine with lots of cool fiction and whatnot, a Happy Bunny Journal that says "You suck and that's sad" which is my favorite quote by him, and then a necklace of him that says the same thing, and then a Grumpy Bear necklace. Yayeness. Adam got the 3rd & 4th Chobits books.

At Wal-Mart, Adam got the new Full-Metal Alchemist game. We've never read the Manga or watches the series, though after playing the game, we definately want to. Aaaand....I got a cute little short/t-shirt PJ set, and some lingere. *blush* Yes, my first lingere. Go away. He thinks it's sexy/cute, that's all that matters.

Adam also got a Grumpy Bear Keychain & a Clip Board, and a pack of gel pens (which sucked) for us.

So yaye, l33t shizit. W00t. *mutters* But now I want the next Psychic Academy & Chobits books, rofl.

Not much else has went on, except my beloved Sawah-bewah got me pocky and some really killer Neon-Genesis Evangelion Playing Cards that all have scenes from the anime on them *GRIN* Weee....Pocky is Good. *licks lips* I'm having to ration it from myself. Heheh..and Evangelion is the bomb. Adam has quite a few of the DVD's & a couple of the tapes, so I've seen almost the whole series. It's absolutely awesome. We need to get the rest of the DVD's...but anyways, yeah, weee..Pocky & Evangelion! YAYE!

Anyways, I'm off. I just sneezed and about blew my head off. Yaye.

~Manda

cheers Go Journey sad smile

2005-01-27T09:44:00.000-06:00

This Saturday (the 22nd), I was sitting in bed listening to the radio while Adam slept beside me...and I heard the first notes of Journey's "Faithfully". (Journey is my all time favorite band for those of you who pay no attention to a word I say lol).....

Anyways...as it's starting, I hear the DJ Mention that Journey had gotten their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I started crying I was so happy, and I guess it wasn't quiet crying because Adam woke up and was like "What's wrong?" and when I told him, he smiled and started crying too. And we hugged and listened to the song (it's "our song") while singing it softly to eachother, and being happy as little clams.

I kept hoping Steve Perry (the former lead singer, who helped make the band the #1 band of the 80's, and who I might note, has the most beautiful voice in the world, and who is the only person besides Adam who can always put a smile on my face) was there...and today I finally decided I had to know, so I looked it up online...

And he was...he was there...and he got one of the replica plaques, and he signed autographs, and spoke to the crowd....and he got the recognition he deserves....

It pisses me off so bad that some people don't even know who he is. I mean, Journey fans who know the current band...some of them have no clue who Steve Perry is. It's like O.O >.<

Steve Augeri replaced him...and while he's not a bad singer...he is in no way shape or form *MY* Steve. Steve Perry has the most amazing voice ever, and it's such a horrible shame that he had to quit Journey. (He was a part of the group for 20 years...and he *had* to quit because of severe health issues, not to mention a lot of emotional things that went on around the time he got very sick).

*sigh* I just...hate the fact that people don't know who the greats are. The best "incarnation" of Journey ever was, and in my opinion, still is: Steve Perry on Lead Vocals, Neal Schon on Guitar, Ross Valory on Bass, Jonathan Cain on Piano, & Steve Smith on drums. (Which is why it was THIS incarnation that came back together to make Trial By Fire in 1996 =P

I'd like to note that that line up was there for the ceremony. All five of them. When I saw the picture, I couldn't help but cry.

I'm sure there are those of you going "WTF they're just a band, why do you get so worked up over it?" But....most people can't quite grasp what this band means to me. Their music reaches every inch of my body. Adam & I's joint present for our 1 year Anniversary was the "Journey's Greatest Hits Live" DVD, which was full of music video's and concert video's from 1977 to 1997 (the time period while Steve was at the helm). The first couple weeks we had it, I watched it non-stop, and I don't like watching movies. But I'd get up and dance and just have a blast watching the guys perform. And that is where I get my stubborn opinion of what the best Incarnation is. But anyways......if it tells you anything, Adam's first present to me was a burnt copy of his "The Essential Journey" CD's :)

I don't know if they're his absolute favorite band, but I know he loves them almost as much as I do....

They're a band that wasn't just for money or fame. They were about the music and the fans. And, I think deep down, they still are. I mean, most of the guys are in their 50's...and they're still doing concerts, making CD's, etc. They're really amazing. They all have the money to live comfortably forever....but...they still keep going..

Anyways....that just...was a huge moment for me...but then again, Journey is a huge part of my life. Laugh at me if you wish, I'll roll my eyes at you.

*smiles* I'm going to go sing along with Steve now. Ciao.

~Manda

godamnit

2005-01-19T09:14:00.000-06:00

She fucking knows. She knows how bad Jamie bothers me. Why does he bother me now that he's alive?

Because he was dead. And he came back. ANd I don't know what's lies and truth. And my mom just has to rub that in over and over and over again.....I don't need that rubbed in my fucking face. It tears me apart bad enough.

Me and all of my friends. I mean Jesus H., there were like 20 of us having to deal with that bullshit---JUST THE ONES I KNEW. What about the ones I didn't know who just read his diary? *Sigh* Mom tries to rub it in that it was one big falsehood. Wether it was or wasn't isn't the issue.

I can't fucking believe she'd bring that back up. She knows how bad it tears the shit out of me ....

Drops of Mercury

People! Can I get Five Minutes of SANITY in this zoo!?

To make a long story short..

*grumbles*

Bloody blinkin' hell..

-_- I'm such a failure at life

Mini LAN Party!

Hrmm...

Trial & Error.

It's About Time.

I Miss You...

It Only Took 4 Years.

Lay Me Down...

*sigh*

Choices, Choices...

No More Angst!

The Other Side...

*sigh* Activity. IN MY LIFE?

Catastrophe = Epiphany?

o.O Why am I not surprised? hehe

Wow...

Unglued

Woo, more excitement!

I've been waiting 2 years...

O.O Sometimes I startle even me...

Hurrah!

Could anything ever be this good again?

Greetings from Vacation-land!

The Trippage

-_- Time flies when you're alive

Is it just me

<3 Chrno Love <3

Chrno Crusade

Holy shit!

AIYA!!!

There are things that irriate me...

One more day, that's it.

Poor bloggy!!

*sigh*

Shit.

Friday MeMe's

Idiot of The Day

Alright...a couple of things...

And, once again, the Blogosphere beats regular news...

Just when you thought...

About Me

Proof that College Students own.

*Sigh* When it rains it pours...

O.O I'm a Net Snob.

Next To You

Why I want to meet Melissa Etheridge

I only have one thing to say...

Grr!

(^-^) Testing, testing, 1..2...Postage!

*Sigh*

What. In. The. Fuck.

*Sigh*

O.O Oh no...here she goes again! O.O

I'm not okay...

AAAH O.O I need to update more!!!!

Hrmm...

(^-^) Merow. Yeahhhh...50,000 Words, and counting..

It just occurred to me...

Yeah, I needed some cheering up...

*sigh* Godamnit

I give up....

*Sigh*

It gets worse...

And it starts...

La...

It's heeereee...

*yawns*

Sweet mother of God...

Well who would have thought?

*sigh* Yaye for threats

Heh...

O.O I'm getting a life, o. m. g.

Harry Potterness!

I'm on a quest!

Hrmm

grumbles

sigh

sigh Activity. IN MY LIFE?

sigh

Sigh When it rains it pours...

Sigh

Sigh

sigh Godamnit

Sigh

yawns

sigh Yaye for threats

sigh

sigh Hello everyone

sigh

sigh Quilting Bee turned me down weak smile

sigh Condemnation..

cheers Go Journey sad smile